Sick
by MarcoLover16
Summary: Lily/James. James Potter struggles to gain control over the life that has gotten out of hand. Where has the happy, care-free James Potter gone, and will he come back? Sometimes a person is in more pain that anyone can see.
1. In Pain

Author's Note: So, here's the deal: I had an idea based on this plot for a while…to be truthful, since I was in the sixth grade. However, considering I'm fifteen now, my writing has come a long way since then, so the story never got posted because it was bad and yada yada. I read a story just the other day that brought it back into my mind, so there is one similarity in the plot. I just wanted to go ahead and say that just in case the author reads my story and feels like I stole that idea, which shouldn't happen since the story will be quite different anyway. And, James is shown quite differently in this story—I mean, compared to the carefree way in which I usually write him. With that being said, my mind is free to write. Please enjoy. Oh, and anyone who is reading All You Wanted—this story will only affect the updates on that story a little bit. :) Wow, this author's note is probably the longest I've ever written. I just wanted to add that there is a slash pairing in this story. (The main pairing, however, is James/Lily.) If you don't like it, you don't have to read it, but it's not a big part of the story. Enjoy.

James pulled the sleeves of his robes down closer to his wrist self-consciously. He pushed his bangs out of his face, and took a deep breath.

"No big deal," he said slowly, exhaling carefully, staring into the bathroom mirror, absentmindedly observing every feature, good and bad.

A loud banging on the door interrupted his meticulous examining. "Prongs, you almost done in there or what?"

James sighed. "Yeah," he called out, letting his hand fall onto the counter.

James laid his head against the doorframe before mustering up the strength to walk out. When he opened the door, Sirius was standing in the doorway with his arms crossed. "_Finally," _he said, smiling teasingly.

James smiled back as best as he could. He noticed that, during the time he'd been in the bathroom, Remus and Peter had already gone down to breakfast. "I'm going down," he said, hoping Sirius would hear him the first time. He didn't much feel like repeating himself.

"I'll meet you then," he said, turning the water on.

James walked slowly down the stairs, taking his time. He caught sight of Lily in the middle of the room with her friend…Ann-Marie…no. Jennifer? No. How was it that he could remember every specific detail, including the names of Lily's aunts and uncles (Lily still had yet to find out he knew them), but he couldn't, for the life of him, remember her best friend's first name?

Gabriella. That's what it was. James was sure of it.

He walked through the crowd of people, smiling uneasily at the redheaded girl. Lily didn't return it, and simply turned to continue her conversation with her friend. Well, he'd given it a try. That was all that mattered, right? After all, he wasn't in the mood to be turned down again, so he supposed being ignored was better than being screamed at.

James walked out of the common room, his head held high, but his confidence low. Going to breakfast wasn't exactly a priority of his at the present time. He only wanted to go back to bed, and he was sick of people staring at him.

Running a hand through his hair, he smiled at each girl that passed him, deciding that keeping up appearances was really the best way to go.

Finally, he made it to the Great Hall. There weren't very many people there, as Remus liked to force them up early on Sunday mornings. Why James listened to him was a mystery, but James thought part of the reason Sirius and Peter agreed was due to their annoyance of having to deal with James staring at Lily, going on and on about her. They probably figured: if we get there early, Lily won't be there yet.

"Hey," he said unenthusiastically, sitting down next to Remus.

"Good morning, James," said Remus merrily, buttering a piece of toast.

"Morning," Peter said quietly. They were both in agreement that Remus was much too eager to finish eating so that he could read, do his homework, or maybe even some other utterly pointless activity.

"Where's Padfoot?" asked Remus, suddenly aware that James had come in alone.

"Showering. He'll be here soon. You know how he doesn't like to miss his food," said James with a small smile. Remus held out a piece of toast to him. He shook his head. "Listen," he began, "Lily's _still _not speaking to me."

Remus sighed, dropping the unwanted toast on Peter's plate. "You're surprised? Maybe she's trying to start the year off with no yelling."

James snorted. "Ah, of course, considering there was no yelling at all on the Hogwarts Express."

"She was shocked," said Remus, defending her. "She had a right to be."

"Mhmm," James mumbled.

It seemed they had only been there a few minutes before people started piling in, but he realized that Remus and Peter had already eaten quite a lot, so he must have been sitting with them for much longer than he thought. He felt completely distracted.

"_I _have arrived," said Sirius, smiling brightly before sitting across from James. "Did you all miss me terribly?" he asked dramatically.

Remus chuckled, rolling his eyes. He took his copy of The Daily Prophet out of his lap, and began to read. Slowly, their morning routine fell into place. As usual, Remus read, Peter ate, and Sirius talked. Most days, James would listen to his talking, even, on the rare occasion, respond.

But he wasn't in the mood for talking this particular Sunday morning…and for some reason, no one seemed to notice.

James watched as Sirius talked with _Peter, _which was quite an accomplishment, as James could barely hold a short conversation with Peter on any day about any subject, but Sirius chose to speak with Peter. He didn't even _try _to find out what was wrong with James.

Of course, there was nothing wrong with James at all. He was perfectly fine, but someone should have asked if he was so that, naturally, James could respond with, "Nothing. I'm fine." The only problem was, _no one _asked, and it really bothered him.

Sure, he could strike up a discussion with his best mate. There was no doubt in his mind that Sirius would easily abandon the talk with Peter (about…was it shoes?) to enjoy James' presence.

But, of course, James wouldn't do that because he didn't _want _to talk.

"James?"

It was Sirius that had spoken. Was he, perhaps, going to ask if he was all right? Was Sirius finally realizing there might have been, which there wasn't, a problem?

"Yeah?" asked James, coming back to reality.

"We were just getting ready to go back to the common room. You ready?" he asked, getting up from the table. Apparently, it didn't matter if he was ready.

_He _didn't have a problem that day. It was clear that everyone else did. It wasn't like his friends to ignore his pain (that he didn't have). Perhaps, they were respecting his privacy. After all the times he had told them to butt out, they'd actually listened.

James actually laughed out loud at that one. Respecting his privacy? The marauders? Yeah, right.

"What's so funny?" asked Sirius. "You're being kind of weird today."

Thank Merlin! His best friend was back. "Nothing," James replied, smiling. He'd been worried something was wrong with Sirius. How stupid that had been.

"The late practice last night wear you out?" he asked sympathetically.

James found himself rather dejected when Lily wasn't in the common room. Had they missed her? Had she not gone to breakfast? Was something wrong?

Wow, panic rose up inside him so easily lately.

"Yeah," James answered his friend distractedly. "Maybe she's outside!"

"Wh—" Sirius started, opening and closing his mouth, bemused. "You're kidding me, right?" he asked, thinking that the only 'she' James could be concerned about was Lily Evans.

"I've been meaning to talk to you about that," said Remus, spreading out onto the couch. James couldn't believe he'd stuck by his early Sunday rising rule the morning after a full moon. He looked much more tired than the rest of them, which wasn't completely surprising.

"About what?" asked James, choosing to stand while the others sat, no doubt planning to lecture him.

"Lily. Don't you think this obsession has gone a bit too far?"

James didn't answer. It wasn't the first time he was hearing all of this.

"You're seventeen," he continued. "With everything else you have to deal with, is the stress of Lily really worth it? She's even messing with you school work."

James rolled his eyes. First of all, James _was _stressed, and he was slacking on his schoolwork, but it wasn't all to do with Lily. And, even if it had something to do with her, that was _just _like Remus. He thought that James could just think it through logically:

You can't get her.

It's time to change your feelings.

It's as simple as that.

She's not worth your time.

Yes, it was quite naïve of Remus to think that way. He'd never been in love, after all.

Sirius never pushed him to get over Lily, but he didn't get it either. Of course, that might have had something to do with the fact that Sirius' interest didn't lie in girls, so Lily was just another person in his eyes, a girl with a temper, which, even if he were interested in girls, didn't make her appealing.

"I'll go out Lily-hunting with you, if you really want," he said, putting his shoes back on. "Nothing better to do except," he shuddered, "homework."

James tried to smile. "Thanks."

Remus seemed too exhausted to argue that they were invading Lily's personal space. "See you," said Sirius, waving at the other two boys before making their way out of the common room.

As soon as they made it out of the common room, James adjusted his robes, pushed his hair out of his face, pulled his robes tighter to his body, his arms crossed around his chest, and then began to walk normally again.

Sirius eyed him curiously, but didn't say anything. His actions had become more compulsive as of late, but worrying about it would surely get him only annoyance from James, and he didn't want to call him on something that might have been nothing.

"By the way," James said abruptly, "it's Lily-watching, not hunting. We're not in it for the kill, Padfoot."

Sirius laughed. "Oh, excuse me. Either way, it's probably bad."

"True." James agreed.

Lily hunting turned out to be, as Sirius had predicted, pointless, boring (except for once when she'd almost fallen in the lake), and quite difficult because she moved around frequently. James didn't mind at all, though. In fact, Sirius thought he seemed to enjoy getting up, moving, finding her again, and staring.

And stare…was what they did, for about four hours while Lily completed seven classes worth of weekend homework. She never once saw them there.

Sirius glanced at his watch. "James, I'm starving," he said. "Can we go now? Lily's leaving anyway."

Sirius was certainly right about that. Lily had been packing up her stuff for a few minutes, preparing to head back inside, and he didn't want to be caught. "Yeah. We can go in, I suppose."

They got up from their spot under the trees, racing each other back to the castle. James felt in a much better mood than he'd been in when he first got up.

"You know," he said, catching his breath when they both made it inside, "I don't much feel like eating as much as you do."

"Oh, James. I could _always _eat."

James forced a laugh. "I've noticed."

"You know what _I've _noticed," said Sirius, his expression becoming grave. "You've been all weird lately. Moody and stuff, I mean."

James shrugged. "It's like Remus said. I have a lot stressing me out…Head Boy…Quidditch, all that."

Sirius nodded slowly, wanting to believe him. "And now you don't want to eat? You must be r_eally _stressed," he joked. "I'll see you later then."

"Yeah," said James, turning down the right corridor while Sirius went down the left. "Later," he said to the empty hallway.

James didn't know how to feel. When his friends were seemingly oblivious to the differences in his behavior, he was confused and a bit offended, but when Sirius confronted him—actually told him, flat out, that he was being weird—he avoided it, told him a straight lie.

James fidgeted some more before starting his walk back to the common room. He fixed his robes again. There were a lot of things that long black robes could hide. He was afraid—or maybe not so afraid—that his guilt wasn't one of them.

Author's Note: Introduction chapter, of course. There will be more action as the story goes on, and hopefully, it wasn't too confusing or weird or whatever. The chapters will also be much longer. Please review.


	2. Shaking

Author's Note: Who wants to be my 500th reviewer for All You Wanted? You know you want to. ;) Enjoy, please. Oh, by the way, I'm assuming over there in England, Celsius is used. (Of course, we have to be _original _in America. Eww. Lol.) Anyway, so I think…if my calculations are correct, that 85 degrees Fahrenheit would be 29 Celsius. Anyway, if I'm wrong, just assume it's rather warm lol. Obviously, it comes up in this chapter.

James wandered aimlessly for a while, wondering how long he could be away from the common room before his friends started to look for him…if they planned to. How was he do know if they would take time out of their busy schedules to care?

No, that was wrong. He had to stop being angry with them. It wasn't _their _fault. It just felt so much better to blame them, to say that they weren't paying attention, that they didn't care. Maybe, lately, it seemed that way, but it wasn't true… It wasn't, right?

James had to admit he was pretty tired, but he didn't really feel like going to bed. Besides, if he ended up being out past curfew, it wasn't as if he'd get in trouble, being Head Boy and all. He'd be fine.

When James turned the corner, he was surprised to see Lily with her friend Alice, leaning against the corridor's window.

"Hello," he said quietly.

Lily pretended he wasn't there. James didn't blame her, but it was the second time he'd tried that day. Was he really that stupid?

"How are you, James?" Alice asked politely, her tone slightly pitying. That bothered James immensely, but he said nothing.

Alice nudged Lily. "Hi," she said rather grudgingly.

Wow. James was sure glad Alice forced her into that. He could tell it was straight from Lily's heart.

"Well, I won't bother you anymore. I'm just walking."

Alice nodded. "See you in class, James," she said. "And so will you, Lily." Lily didn't look like she needed reminding of that.

"Goodnight, Potter," said Lily, hardly showing any emotion. James saw Alice roll her eyes skyward.

James decided that the walk he took from the girls' spot by the window to the end of the hallway was about the most awkward he'd ever taken. He wasn't sure if he was just being paranoid, but he felt their eyes on his back the entire time, just waiting for him to do something stupid.

James found no enjoyment at the thought of more free walking time. The meeting with Lily and Alice had ruined it. Therefore, he made his way back to his room.

When he got into the common room, he felt that strange, sick feeling he'd been having from time to time. He pushed it out of his mind, which wasn't easy to do, forcing himself to believe that it was just the lack of sleep getting to him.

"Hey," said James, announcing his presence when he threw open the door to the dormitory.

Remus glanced up from his book. "Hey, Prongs. Where have you been?" he asked. Then, he went back to his reading, so James didn't think he actually cared.

James walked over to his bed, and climbed under the covers.

"Sleep's finally sounding good to you, eh?" said Sirius teasingly.

"Mhmm," James mumbled into the pillow.

"So, I was thinking," Sirius went on, oblivious to the fact that James was uninterested in talking, or perhaps he just didn't care. James could never tell anymore.

"About?" James asked, knowing he was expected to contribute to the conversation that he didn't even want to be having.

"We should go into Hogsmeade tomorrow night," he said. "Remus and Peter think it's a good idea, since we haven't yet. We've already been here two weeks, and we just have to make the most of our last year."

"I have to patrol with Evans tomorrow," said James, sighing.

"Before," said Sirius, shrugging. "Or after."

"Whatever, fine," said James. At the point, he'd have said anything to be allowed to get some sleep.

Sirius nodded, falling back into his own bed. "You sure you'll be up to the full moon this weekend? Lately, you're falling dead asleep at even seven or eight."

James rolled his eyes. "I appreciate your concern. I'll be fine."

"All right," said Sirius, holding his hands up in mock surrender. James couldn't seem him anyway. "Perhaps you should get to sleep. You're so…irritable."

James felt the need to apologize. He didn't know _why, _exactly, but he did it anyway. "I don't feel well," he said defensively. "I'm sorry."

Sirius shrugged. "I was just kidding."

Had James gotten so lost in his own world that he couldn't even tell when his friends were kidding around with him? He just automatically assumed that everyone was out to get him, and anything people did or said was to hurt him.

He was done trying to stay awake. At least, while he slept, he didn't have to think about the tribulations he was dealing with.

"I'm so cold," he said suddenly, unsure if he'd even spoken aloud.

"It's eighty-five degreesBe a man," said Sirius. "Kidding, by the way," he added, knowing James might become offended again.

"Right," said James quietly, sinking deeper into the pillows.

When James woke up, the first thing he did was go over his schedule for the day. He listened to his friends talking to the alarm clock, begging it to stop ringing. Unfortunately, it didn't work, and James got up to shut it off. It was pretty much routine.

"I'm showering," said James.

Same thing every morning. It wasn't as if he had to inform them.

"When I come back, you'll all be awake," he said firmly.

Sometimes, they were. Sometimes, they were, in fact, banging on the door for their turns. Other times, he'd have to wake them. James didn't mind, even if he sometimes pretended he did. He _liked _routine. It was what kept his life from falling apart.

James locked the bathroom door behind him, taking two steady breaths in and out before walking to the sink. The mirror above it was mocking him.

"Shower first. I'll deal with you after," he said, pointing angrily at his reflection.

The moment James had turned the water on, there was knocking at the door. He sighed, feeling the frustration from the night before come back.

"What?" he asked, not caring if he didn't sound happy or pleasant.

The answer didn't come quickly, which made James sure it was Peter. Neither Sirius nor Remus would have been frightened by James' tone.

"Yes?" he asked more patiently.

"Are you going to be a lot longer?" he asked hesitantly.

"Yes," said James, turning the water on much hotter. "I'm going to be a lot longer."

James' enjoyment in irritating his friends was ephemeral, though, for when he stepped out of his refreshing shower, his mood quickly changed to one of disgust. What was _wrong _with him? Why was he treating people this way?

His ill feelings became even worse when he, once again, took a look at himself in the mirror.

James frowned. His friends had obviously heard the water go off. At once, he could hear them talking about who should knock. Had he become unapproachable? Was he really being that nasty?

"I hope you're happy," James said quietly to himself in the mirror. He wrapped his towel more tightly around his waist, as it had started to fall, and leaned against the door. Same thing…every day.

"And here you are, blaming them for the way they're being. They've been walking on eggshells around you because you _pushed _them away, James," he said, talking to himself. "Good job."

"I hate you," he said bitterly. James wasn't sure whom he was talking to, whether it was his personality as of late or just his body. They were both haunting him anyway, so it wasn't like it mattered.

"James," said Remus, knocking tentatively. "Umm…"

"Yeah," he said. "I'm coming out."

He thought he heard Sirius sigh, relieved. Remus tried to cover it with his, "Thank you."

James opened the bathroom door, shivering involuntarily. Merlin, he was cold.

Sirius rushed into the bathroom first, closing the door in the other boys' faces. Remus, dejected, turned to James. "James…" he said slowly.

James finished dressing himself, and turned around to meet Remus' eyes. He tried to smile reassuringly. "Yeah?"

"Do you…do you really want to go with us tonight to Hogsmeade?" he asked. Peter sat down against the bathroom door, banging his head against it repeatedly, angry with Sirius for getting in before he did.

Anger flashed through him before he could stop to think. "Why? Do you not want me to, Remus?" he asked.

"No, no, no!" Remus quickly amended. "Of _course,_ I do! It's just, you didn't seem very happy last night with going."

James frowned, even angrier with himself than he'd been at Remus. Why was he jumping down his friend's throat for something he knew he mustn't have meant?

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I do want to go. Really," he added.

"Okay," Remus replied, looking down. No one quite looked him in the eyes lately.

"I'm—I'm going to go down for breakfast. Maybe, if you get down there quickly enough, we'll…see each other there. Otherwise, I'll see you in History of Magic," he said, getting up to leave before Remus could get in a word of protest.

Remus bit his lip. "Bye, James," he said after he'd gone.

Okay, so James lied. It wasn't the biggest deal in the world, really. He didn't feel like going to breakfast. In fact, he hadn't gone in a while, which was part of the reason his first-to-shower routine worked out nicely. Even staring at Lily Evans made him uncomfortable in the Great Hall.

James headed to the library, the only place he knew no one would come looking for him in, and walked to a table near the back. He placed his head down, and before he could rest, someone disturbed him.

"Fancy seeing you here, Potter."

James thought the voice belonged to Frank Longbottom, but he was too disoriented and tired to pick his head up to check.

"Hi," he said.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. It wasn't too often James showed up in the _library. _

"Why the hell does it matter?" James asked, picking up strength from God only knew where to sit up. "Why—why is everyone questioning me? I am doing _nothing _wrong. I can't sit in the damn library. So _what _if I'm not hungry?"

Immediately, James regretted what he'd said. It was almost as if he had no control over the words coming out of his mouth. Control. Funny, wasn't that what this was all about? Gaining control?

"I'm sorry, Frank," he said, positive now that he was, indeed, Frank. "I'm just not myself."

Frank seemed more shocked than upset or angry. He'd never heard James yell before. James had to admit that he couldn't remember ever yelling, at least…not more than once in a two-week period. He rarely lost his temper.

"That's okay, James." He smiled. "It happens."

Frank was treating him the way he should be treated. Well, he thanked Merlin for a friend like him. He heard James freak out, and yet, he wasn't acting as though James were a piece of glass or a bomb ready to blow.

"Can you do me a favor?" James asked.

"Sure," said Frank, opening his bag to take out the book he was planning to read.

"Don't tell my friends I was in here," said James. "It's really important."

Frank raised an eyebrow as if to question James, but he nodded. "Sure."

"Thanks so much," said James, getting up from the table. "I'm sorry aga—" He stopped, gripping the end of the table for support, and then shaking the feeling of weakness away. "I'm sorry," he said again, and then got the hell out before Frank could ask what was wrong.

Truthfully, James was surprised he even made it out of the library. He hadn't expected to leave so soon, and he knew there was now a chance he'd run into his friends. James' only hope was that he'd make it to History of Magic without seeing them, and rest. Binns wouldn't care. He probably wouldn't even notice.

James walked quickly when passing the Great Hall. There wasn't much he could see, considering the doors were closed, but he didn't think the marauders were in there, so he hurried on to Binns' class.

He opened the door slowly, checking to see if any crazy (Lily Evans type) student was in there so much earlier than class began, and he was pleased to see that he was alone. He collapsed into his seat, shaking slightly from being so cold. He ran a hand through his hair once before setting his head on the desk.

"James?"

James opened his eyes, raising his head slightly to see Sirius standing before him with his arms crossed. Merlin. He'd actually fallen asleep. He checked his watch, seeing that it was twenty minutes later than when he'd arrived, and the class was full of people.

"Prongs?" said Sirius. "Get enough sleep?"

James nodded. "I'm fine."

"Umm…okay, then can you move? You're kind of in the wrong seat."

"Oh," James said, embarrassed. "Sorry."

James navigated to his own seat only by following Sirius' lead. After all, they sat next to each other. He sat down next to him, propping his head up by his elbows.

"So, umm, you decided to give up your annual present this year?" said Sirius.

At first, James didn't know what he was talking about. He blinked, thinking. "NO! I totally forgot!"

Sirius sighed. "You forgot Lily's birthday. You _forgot. _James, that's never happened before. You know, I'm worried you're stressing yourself out or something."

Sirius being worried was never a good sign. It took a lot to get him concerned.

"Maybe you should just cancel Quidditch practice today, what with Hogsmeade, patrolling and a—"

"I forgot about that too," James muttered, holding his head up normally in order to rub his temples. "Kill me."

Sirius ignored Remus' plea for them to be quiet. They never paid attention in Binns' class. In fact, Sirius was sure even Lily stopped taking notes after second year.

"I'll have to get her something when we're in Hogsmeade tonight even…if she doesn't accept it," said James, glancing longingly at the love of his life who seemed unaware of his gaze.

"Don't," said Sirius. "I shouldn't have even reminded you. It's a waste of your money because she won't take it. And…you really want to go to Hogsmeade? Remus was talking to me after you left, and maybe—if you're really this exhausted and busy—you shouldn't go."

James stood up. "_Ma_ybe you should stop controlling my decisions. You're the one who basically forced it on me last night. Oh, James, we should go. We haven't yet. All that."

"James," said Sirius warningly. He was all for causing a scene, but not one that involved James giving away their secret into Hogsmeade.

"So, if you don't want me to go, _fine. _I won't."

Sirius laughed nervously. "That's not what I said," he said, trying to pull James back down.

"Don't even touch me," said James, pulling away from him.

He felt so weird, not right. And, even though his head was spinning again, it was more than just physical. He knew he was overreacting. Sirius was only trying to show that he cared about him.

"Don't be dramatic," said Sirius, now glaring.

As expected, every eye in the classroom was now on the two of them. James was shaking from head to foot.

"And you were right," said James. "I didn't want to go."

James wasn't stupid enough to shout out the word Hogsmeade. He picked up his books, and he walked out of the classroom.

Author's Note: Oooh, scary James, yes? Please review.


	3. You Wish You Hated Me

Author's Note: First of all, I want to say thank you. I forgot to mention that I had Lily's birthday changed for this story, and I was so afraid I was going to get reviews with people saying, "Lily's birthday isn't in September" and all of that. So, some of you didn't notice, and some probably decided not to say anything, so thank you, either way. James' birthday won't be changed. Please enjoy the chapter. Oh, and the beginning of this chapter seems a bit rushed because it goes from one point of view to another, but bear it. There's a reason for everything.

Everyone watched as James left the room. The _small_ attention a _few _students _sometimes _paid for Binns was completely gone.

"Did you _hear _that?" asked one student, turning to his friend.

Sirius and Remus exchanged glances. "What do—" Remus started.

"I don't know," said Sirius. "I just…let's go."

Normally, Remus may have objected to the idea of leaving class early, but he felt there was a time and place for everything. "Wormtail, you coming?" he asked quietly. It wasn't like his volume mattered because the whole class was listening intently enough to hear every word he said anyway.

Peter nodded, thankful to get out of class. He picked up his books, and then followed them out.

Lily Evans was used to strange happenings when it came to the marauders. She might have gone so far as to say that most things weren't even odd to her anymore…but this situation certainly was. There was obviously something going on with James that not even his best friends knew about.

She bit her lip thoughtfully. "Alice," she began.

"You think I have any idea?" her friend replied, staring at the door as if she were hoping James would come back in to explain.

Lily frowned. She didn't think she'd ever seen him so angry, and about what? Hardly anything. "I'm sure he's just tired or something."

Alice snorted. "Keep thinking that."

The three marauders walked down any corridor and into any room that James could have possibly been in. Truthfully, not one of them had any idea what he'd say to James when met with him, but it was important that he was found. James was known to do stupid things when he was upset.

"Maybe he brought the cloak with him," said Sirius. "Maybe he thought we'd go looking for him."

Remus sighed. "Well, that's just great."

Sirius agreed. "Maybe we should check obvious places…the dormitory? Common room?"

"You think he'd go there if he were hiding?" asked Peter logically.

"Perhaps, he's not hiding, and he just wanted to get out of class. I don't know," Sirius replied, frustrated. "It wouldn't hurt to look."

Having already looked in the kitchens, and through almost every classroom, (determined as they were) they decided they had no other choice but to go to Gryffindor Tower and see if James was there.

James heard, from inside the bathroom, his friends come into the dormitory muttering about him. He didn't move from his spot, lying against the door the way he liked it. He felt that he was calming down from his outburst in History of Magic.

"James?"

There went that _calm_ feeling he was beginning to have.

'Maybe,' James thought, 'if I don't answer, they'll go away.'

"Prongs, we know you're in there. Just come out of the bathroom," said Sirius.

James hated the way he spoke to him. It sounded as if he were talking to a little child that was frustrating him.

"No!" said James. He knew he was adding fuel to the fire. If he didn't want to be treated like a child, he probably should have stopped acting like one.

James heard Sirius sigh. He knew, even though the only voice he heard was Sirius', that the other two were standing right there with him.

"You know we can get in if we really need to, right?" said Sirius.

" If you want to invade my privacy," said James. "It's not like you seem to care much about that, after all."

Sirius surrendered. "Fine. Stay in there _all _day for all I care because, once you get out, we are _going _to interrogate you."

"Padfoot," said Remus gently.

"Don't even start, Remus," said Sirius, irritated. "He's being ridiculous, and we deserve to know why."

"We came all the way here to stare at the door while James sits in the bathroom?" asked Peter incredulously. "What has life come to?"

Though James knew that Peter was partly joking, it still hurt a bit to think about what they thought of him. He was ridiculous, was he? He led them on a goose chase, did he? James didn't ask them to follow him!

"Stop. Go _away," _he demanded.

James had resorted to whining to get his way. Peter was right. What _had _life come to?

James took a deep breath before speaking softly. "So, are you barging in or leaving me alone to rot?" he asked. "I really need to know."

He could practically feel Sirius rolling his eyes. "I'll do whatever I damn well please, and I don't have to warn you about it."

James didn't respond. There was really no reason to. All he was asking for was a polite, "I'm sorry, James, for bothering you in History of Magic. I know you're screwed up right now, and I don't care if you're taking things too seriously." Of course, James was pretty sure they didn't know he was screwed up.

It didn't show, did it?

James rubbed his eyes, hoping to make them appear less red, wrapping his arms around his torso to warm himself.

James knew the way Sirius sometimes reacted. Sirius just didn't know how to show concern or compassion without anger and frustration. He felt that by yelling at James, he could help him…beat out whatever was wrong. James appreciated the attempt (even if it made him want to strangle Sirius to death), but Sirius had to learn that, more often than not, problems couldn't be solved that way.

_**Not **_that James had a problem or anything. But…supposing he did…

_**Not **_that he'd even want their pestering help if he _did _have a problem…

…but it might be nice if they made a generous offer, instead of deciding to yell at him.

James reluctantly opened his door. "I'll go back to class," he said softly.

Remus and Peter, as James had expected, hung nervously by the exit while Sirius stood right in front of him.

"Not so fast," said Sirius, crossing his arms.

James was too tired to try to get past him. "What do you want?"

"To know where the _hell _my best friend went," said Sirius crossly. "The way you've been acting—"

"Oh, you mean, you've noticed?"

James wasn't sure if he was pleased that he had been wrong about his friends' knowledge or worried that he was being confronted about it. And…didn't he say that he didn't want them to notice the problem he **wasn't **having, in the first place?

"Noticed?" said Sirius, raising his eyebrows so high that they disappeared under his bangs. "How could we not have?"

Suddenly, James was alarmed. How much had they noticed? "But I—I didn't—you didn't seem…"

James decided to go with the tactic that had never quite failed before. "You didn't seem to care then!" **Making him feel guilty. **"If you noticed I was being strange, and you didn't ask if I was all right, then obviously, you haven't been being the most wonderful friend, have you?"

"You know what you're acting like?" said Sirius, laughing to conceal the affect James' words had had on him. "You're acting like my cousin Narcissa. She doesn't know what she wants. She says one thing, says another…"

"Oh, _really? _Well, your cousin and--"

"Guys!"

James and Sirius turned to look at Remus. He cleared his throat. "Don't turn this into a fight about something completely different. I think he," said Remus, referring to James, "is leading you there."

Sirius nodded. Looking as though it was extremely difficult for him, Sirius lowered his voice, and laid a hand on James' shoulder. "We did care," he said. "We thought that if we left you alone for a while, you'd work out whatever was bothering you. Obviously, we were wrong."

"I'm fine," said James. "Really. Just stressed."

"You know what," said Sirius, again turning to Remus. "You two can go. James and I are going to have a long talk."

Peter didn't look thrilled about going back to History of Magic, but Remus certainly looked happy that something with James might have been on the mend.

"I'll see you two later," said Remus.

Peter waved good-bye, and they closed the door behind them.

James and Sirius stood for a few moments in complete silence. Finally, Sirius said, "You want to sit down?"

James glared. "No."

Sirius sighed. "Do you want to look up at me, James?" he asked.

"No."

"Do you want to go back to class _or_ discuss this?"

"No."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that answered my question. Do you think this is funny?"

"No."

"Do you want me to lose my tem—Yeah, I can't ask questions anymore. Sit down on the bed, look at me, be quiet, and act like a seventeen year old," Sirius demanded, pointing to his bed.

James raised an eyebrow. "Most seventeen year olds aren't told to sit and be quiet by friends."

"Act like James Potter then," Sirius corrected, practically pushing him down onto the nearest bed, which happened to be Peter's.

James, in the weak state he was in, knew that Sirius could easily overpower him. It was a silly thought, thinking Sirius would hurt him, but hey—he'd been having a lot of silly thoughts. Besides, when one almost knocks himself to the ground just by trying to walk in a straight line, he begins to fear the strong.

Whatever the reason, he was quiet enough to let Sirius speak.

"James."

"Yes?"

Sirius had just about had it. "What happened to you?" he asked, sounding almost hurt. "You're like a zombie all the time. I just…I want to know what the hell happened."

"Nothing," James said immediately, standing up. "I am FINE."

"Since when did we start hiding things from each other?" asked Sirius.

"That's funny…I remember you hiding something from me for a very long time," said James. "I had to find out accidentally."

"Don't even—completely different!"

"How do you know if this is different? You don't even know what it is!"

Sirius groaned. He sat down next to James on the bed. He didn't tell James to look at him again. "You know I don't like to say it, but—"

"Then don't."

"—I'm worried about you," said Sirius. He pretended to wipe sweat from his brow. "That wasn't enjoyable."

James shrugged, too annoyed to recognize Sirius' obvious attempt to lighten the mood.

"You told me just a few minutes ago," said Sirius, "that you were angry that we didn't care how you were because we left you be. Now, you don't seem to want my attention. I'll make a deal with you. You tell me what you want, I'll oblige."

James remained silent, looking down at his shoes with contempt. He couldn't bear to face his friend.

Sirius nodded. "And that's what I thought. You don't _know _what you want."

"I hate you," said James furiously.

"You wish you did."

"I wish you'd get out of my sight."

"So do a lot of people," Sirius answered easily, picking at his fingernails.

"I—I'm disgusted by your…interest in my cousin," he said, unable to come up with anything else.

"You're really trying hard to make me mad, aren't you?" said Sirius. "It was working when you weren't trying, mate. Right now, it's rather amusing."

"Why would I be trying to make you mad?" asked James innocently.

"It's pretty obvious that you are. As for why, well, you're anxious that I won't leave, otherwise."

"Not true," James denied.

"Definitely true."

"Do you _want _to be depressed and self-deprecating for the rest of your life?" asked Sirius, throwing his hands in the air.

"I'm not depressed, and…self-deprecating? I thought I was arrogant! How the hell can I be both?"

"Get up," Sirius demanded.

"Exc_use _me? I believe I was told to sit down, Sir."

Sirius ignored him, grabbed him by the wrist, and took him out of the dormitory.

"Where are we going?" asked James when he realized they were going nowhere near the History of Magic room.

"Outside."

"Why?"

"To take a walk," Sirius answered simply.

"Why? Do you think I _need _a walk?" James accused, taking two deep breaths. "Is that what you're saying? I can work this out _right here. _I don't need to walk. Maybe you think I…"

"Woah, calm down, James," said Sirius, stopping before the door. He gently shook him. "This is why you're scaring me. You shouldn't be afraid of a little walk."

"I'm certainly," said James, opening the door, "not afraid. I just don't think it's necessary exercise. I mean, perhaps it is, but I don't need you telling me that I need…okay."

James stopped complaining, realizing that Sirius neither cared nor understood a word he was saying.

"I'm done."

"Good," said Sirius, keeping a bit of space between them as they walked around the grounds.

Sirius knew they wouldn't be interrupted. All students were in class, and, at least, for a little while, they had the grounds completely to themselves.

James and Sirius both stayed quiet for a while. James concentrated on his counting. He'd walk twenty steps, adjust his robes. Walk ten more, do the same. It looked and sounded odd to others, but it helped him keep calm, and, after all, that really mattered the most.

James caught Sirius watching him out of the corner of his eye. "What?" he asked self-consciously, adjusting the robes on the eighteenth step by mistake.

Sirius shrugged. "Nothing," he said, perfectly content with the silence.

James, however, decided to push the matter. "You know what's funny?"

Sirius was sure that whatever James said, it wouldn't be very humorous. "Hmm?"

"That everyone in the world is allowed to have a problem except for James Potter. Maybe if you can't accept me, I shouldn't accept you."

Merlin, there was something wrong with him. He felt fury boiling up inside of him. He could barely breathe.

"I told you I hate you, so go."

Sirius didn't react, knowing that James' main goal was to be left alone, and he would try as hard as he could to hurt him.

"Maybe I do have a problem with gay people," said James.

Once again, Sirius didn't react. Dealing with the lack of reaction made James even angrier.

"And there are other things that bother me about you," James went on. "What about your _arm? _Beautiful artwork."

Evidently, James' plan had worked because Sirius couldn't take it anymore.

"Go to hell, James."

James crossed his arms, watching Sirius walk away from him, back into the castle.

What really made him angry was how hard he tried to get Sirius to leave when, in fact, he actually wanted him to stay. He'd never been so confused in his life.

James felt dizzy again. He balled his hands into fists, as usual, ready to walk straight back inside. Only…he couldn't do it. He tried to walk even a step further.

Before he knew what was happening, the dizziness took over, and he fell.

Author's Note: Review. :)


	4. Chocolate is Disgusting

Author's Note: Some of you say you have some guesses about James' illness. I'm sure that, after this chapter, a lot of you who have no idea will probably get it. Anyway, please review. :)

"James—James Potter."

James vaguely heard his name being called by an unfamiliar voice. He opened his eyes slowly, carefully sitting up.

He was surprised to see a crowd of about ten girls surrounding him. Had he been unconscious for a while? Did he just slip in and out after only a few minutes? Had he been gone so long that his friends were worried?

No. James remembered, with an uncomfortable drop of the stomach, that his friends were probably anything but caring, as Sirius had probably told him the nasty things James had said.

"Give him some air!"

Whoever she was, James was thankful for her. She moved everyone else further away so that James could stand up. He was still shaky, and therefore, he was a little afraid to walk back into the castle alone.

"Are—are you okay, James?" Melissa Thompson asked. James recognized her as one of the girls who wrote him love letters back in their second year.

James nodded. "Yeah. Thanks," he said, beginning his walk back into the castle without so much as a goodbye.

James felt that, if he could just get in and into bed, he'd be fine. He could rest and relax with no more worries of passing out. He concentrated on nothing but his footsteps as he got closer to the school.

He breathed a sigh of relief after opening the door. It seemed that everything was more complicated. A simple walk, once taken for granted, had become equivalent to running a marathon.

What James had not expected was a swarm of students in the corridor, which had been pleasantly empty when he and Sirius had walked outside. Everyone had been in class at that time.

Sirius. James let his mind stray from the students in the hallway and his footsteps in order to think about what an arse he'd become.

James knew the problems Sirius had faced that had led him to eventually running away from home. He remembered when he showed up on James' doorstep, blood rushing down his arm, saying, "I cut it off."

James shuddered at the memory. At the time, he didn't know what Sirius was talking about, but he learned, later that night, that Sirius had been unwillingly branded with the Dark Mark.

James had told him it didn't matter, that he knew Sirius didn't want it, and there was no way it would change their friendship.

It took a lot of lying to hide it from everyone else, though. When Sirius showed up to school at the beginning of sixth year, he still had the marks of the knife he had used, and there were rumors going around that he'd been cutting himself.

James knew that implying Sirius _had _been cutting himself was a stupid idea, but when his attack on Sirius' homosexuality didn't work, he knew that would.

Purposely hurting your own best friend. That's when you've gone lower than low.

James hadn't gotten very far into the school when he was called back by one of the girls.

"James! James, come here!" she said anxiously.

James slowly turned around. He'd only gone _fifteen steps. _He could still practically see into the girl's eyes!

Fifteen damn steps.

"What?" he asked, motioning for her to run over to him. The easy manner in which she did it made him envy her.

She looked so happy to be standing close to James. He had to fight the urge to roll his eyes. "Here," she said, handing him a large piece of chocolate. "Amy says you should eat this. It helps."

James shook his head, handing back the chocolate. "That's—that's more of a Dementor thing."

But the girl was persistent. "It should help."

James sighed. "You won't leave until I take this, will you?" he asked. James admired determination, but if this was how Evans felt, he understood her annoyance.

She handed it to him again. "I won't leave until you eat it because you're so stubborn."

James wasn't sure if she was kidding or not, so he took the chocolate she offered him, slipped it into his pocket, and began to walk away.

"I was serious," she said.

James tried to smile when he turned around to face her, showing her it wouldn't be an issue. However, it turned into more of a scowl when he put a small piece of chocolate into his mouth, chewed, and swallowed. James continued with small bites until he was finally done with the whole slab she gave him.

The girl nodded, looking pleased. "And you should probably head down to the hospital wing to see what's what."

James nodded, though he planned on doing nothing of the sort. "See you later." Merlin, he hoped he wouldn't.

James was more miserable than he had been a minute earlier. With that damn piece of chocolate, all of his hard work felt ruined.

He tried to think of anything but the chocolate in his stomach. Even thinking of Sirius made him feel better. "Just a bit more," said James, counting the steps silently. "Getting closer."

James was so angry the girl had forced him into that. Honestly, who did she think she was? Remus? Chocolate doesn't solve everything.

In fact, in some cases, it makes things worse.

"Much worse," said James, kicking the staircase to take out his rage.

Finally, he made it to his common room. James pushed past any student who got in his way, ran faster than he had in weeks (courtesy of how furious he was), up the stairs to his dormitory.

However, as soon as he got to his room, he put his ear up against the door, hearing his friends' voices.

"I can't believe he would say that," said Peter softly. They were obviously discussing what he had said to Sirius earlier.

"I know," said Remus. "The other day, I asked him if he needed help with his homework…because he looked completely frustrated, and he practically screamed at me, accusing me of telling him he was stupid and all of this crap."

"Oh, yeah…and the other day in Potions, his sleeping draught turned the wrong color, and he like started crying, and he asked Slughorn if he could _leave,"_ said Sirius incredulously.

James breathed slowly in and out, trying not to be heard.

"Who is he?" Sirius asked. "He's certainly not James anymore."

James knew he couldn't walk in at that moment, so he went back into the common room, thanking his ill feelings again for his sudden strength. He ran back through the curious groups of people, and he left the common room in search for another bathroom, obviously unable to use the one in his dormitory.

Finally, he walked into the one near the Transfiguration room, wobbly from all the running.

There was a boy he didn't know standing by the sink, but James didn't care. What did it matter if one boy heard him vomiting inside a stall? Maybe the kid would just assume he had the stomach virus.

James didn't particularly care what the kid thought. He was just glad to have finally found the bathroom. After going so long without a bite, he wasn't about to let that chocolate ruin all of his progress.

He slammed the stall door shut, and he pushed the lock over.

"Hey," said Gavin, coming up behind his girlfriend, kissing her on the cheek.

Lily smiled. "Hello," she said.

Lily moved over on the couch, making room for Gavin to sit down beside her. He gladly did so, putting his arm around her shoulders. "What are you reading?" he asked curiously.

Lily laughed. "I don't think you want to know," she said, pulling the book farther away from him.

"If you tell me it's _Hogwarts A History_, I'm taking it away," he warned, attempting to grab it from her hands.

Lily hid it under the cushions, shaking her head. "Nope," she said. "It's uh—it's _Hogwarts A Future," _she said, attempting to keep a straight face.

"Oh, really?" said her boyfriend, raising an eyebrow.

Alice looked up at them from her chair while she attempted to do a crossword puzzle. She rolled her eyes, but had a small smile on her face. Though they were disrupting her, she had to admit that they were kind of cute.

Gavin leaned over her to grab the book, pulling it away from Lily's grasp. "Hmm, just as I suspected," said Gavin, shaking his head in disappointment. "Lily, Lily, Lily, haven't you read this enough?" he asked rhetorically.

"No," she said, trying to grab it, but he held his arm too high. "Give it baaack!" she begged, laughing.

Gavin smiled at her, leaning in for a kiss. "Tell me you love me," he said.

"I love you," said Lily easily, kissing him quickly. "Book?"

"Tell me you love me _more _than reading about Hogwarts."

Lily bit her lip. "Honey, I don't know about that," she said teasingly. "It might be a stretch."

Gavin pretended to be disappointed. He cleared his throat. "Well, I guess you won't be getting this back then," he said, running away with it.

"No!" said Lily, getting up to chase him.

Lily followed him up the stairs to the boys' dormitories, into Gavin's room. He jumped onto his bed, shoving the book under his pillow.

Lily rolled her eyes, sitting down on his bed as well. Gavin pulled her effortlessly into his lap.

Lily, forgetting about her book momentarily, got lost in the feeling of being in Gavin's arms. She leaned her head on his shoulder.

Only a few moments later, she remembered what she'd come up for. Reaching skillfully behind him, she grabbed the book. She stared back at him triumphantly, and she stuck out her tongue.

"Maybe—just maybe—you're tied with the book."

Gavin laughed. "I can deal with that."

Gavin's roommate, Frank, walked out of the bathroom, faking disgust. "You two make me sick," he said, shielding his eyes.

Lily laughed. "Well, I've got to get back to my reading anyway," she said. "See you later, Frank. You coming down with me, love?"

Gavin looked thoughtful. "So I can watch you with your other boyfriend," he said, glancing at that book. He laughed. "I guess so."

Frank rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "He can't bear to spend five minutes without you."

"How long has it been since you and James took your walk?" asked Remus suddenly.

Sirius continued flipping through a Quidditch magazine, intending to ignore him. "I know it's been a while, Moony," he said eventually. "He's probably just avoiding us."

Remus supposed that was probably true, and he decided to continue with his homework, assuming that James would come back right before curfew, and he would tell them he was tired, and that would be the end of it. However, Peter said something that really hit him.

"He thinks we don't care about him."

Remus turned to Peter, who had been sitting on his bed, knees to his chest, worrying about James since the moment they came back from class.

"Remember?" Peter went on, turning to Sirius. "When you told him that we had noticed his problems, but we didn't say anything, he said that we didn't care about him. How could he think that?"

Sirius shrugged. "He was just trying to make you feel bad, Wormtail. Don't let it work."

Remus looked concerned, though. "Sirius, what if that is what he thinks? Maybe that's why he's been being weird."

"No!" said Sirius loudly, shocking his friends. "Listen, I know James like the back of my hand. If there's anything he's good at, it's this. He's being manipulative. There's something wrong with him, and he doesn't want us to know, so fine. I say we leave him alone."

"I didn't know you were so easily defeated, Padfoot," said Peter, angry that Sirius was turning James out when he obviously needed him.

"I didn't say I was giving up. I'm _going_ to find out what's wrong," he said. "I'll just do it in my own way. Don't worry."

Remus and Peter didn't protest. As long as they knew the situation was under control, they figured they'd leave it be.

"So, are we still going into Hogsmeade tonight?"

All three boys turned in the direction of the doorway, where James was standing, clumsily leaning against the doorframe.

"Where—where were you?" asked Peter.

"Your face is all…flushed," said Remus.

"I know," said James, shaking his head. "I was taking a walk outside, and the wind was unbelievable."

"Wasn't when I was out there," said Sirius.

"Yeah, I know," said James, staring at Remus and Peter while he said it. "That's why it was weird. You know when you get those weird, _random _rains? Well, that's how it was with the wind. It's pretty calm now."

James walked over to his bed, falling down onto his stomach comfortably. "So, yeah? We going?"

"We thought you didn't want to…" said Remus slowly, glancing at Sirius.

"No, I do," said James, his voice muffled slightly by his pillow. "I just want to rest for a while. Then, I'll go."

"Okay," Remus replied uneasily. "We'll let you get your rest then."

James hated throwing up. He hoped he never passed out again. Not eating completely was much easier than getting _rid_ of food, especially a huge slab of chocolate. Who the hell did that girl think she was?

"We just have to be back in time for me to patrol with Evans."

Author's Note: So, I'm hoping most of you know what's going on with James now. Hopefully? Lol. Aww, it's rather sad, isn't it? Please please pleaseeeee review! Oh, and I'm craving a really good, possibly fluffy, but it doesn't matter, really, Lily/James story. I tried looking for one today, but I wasn't very successful. If anyone has a suggestion, I'd love it! Thanks. :)


	5. Scary End to a Long Day

Author's Note: Okay, the major panic attack in this chapter is based on a real life situation: my _own _panic attack. :0 Oh my. Lol. So, yes, I know what I'm talking about. I also know a hell of a lot about anorexia, as I have been studying it for…about three years. Anyway, enjoy. :)

James was beginning to regret his decision about going to Hogsmeade with his friends. Even after his nap, he was still tired, his bones were aching, and his mood hadn't improved much from the morning. He could hardly pay attention to the conversation going on.

"You know, we should definitely do this more often," said Sirius, chowing down on a box of Bertie Bott's Every-Flavor-Beans. "It is our last year, after all."

James struggled to keep up with his friends, but they, under Sirius' orders, were politely pretending they didn't notice.

"Yeah, I guess," said Remus, looking at James curiously out of the corner of his eye. He raised his eyebrow when he heard him softly counting the number of steps he took. James tried not to be bothered by it.

Remus shook his head. James just needed his space, so he'd let him have it.

"Before the quidditch season begins, of course," said Peter. "You excited, James?"

"About what?" asked James, startled. He hadn't been addressed directly for a while.

"…quidditch," said Peter slowly.

"Oh," said James, stopping when they reached The Three Broomsticks. "Yeah."

"Come on. Rosmerta will be so happy to see us," said Sirius, opening the door for James after the other two went inside.

"Do you think I'm incapable of pulling a door open with my own hands?" asked James, irritated.

Sirius blinked, trying not to be hurt by James' nasty attitude. "Okay," he said. James distinctly heard him mutter, "Insane" under his breath.

James sat down at the table Remus had chosen by the back.

He had forgotten all about quidditch, and, contrary to what he had said to Peter, he was not excited even a little bit. Classes were hard enough for him to get through, and with the extra weight of a sport, which he happened to be captain of, wasn't something he looked forward to.

Quidditch, James knew, required extreme concentration. He could only concentrate on important things at the time being, and he was sorry to say that quidditch had lost its magic.

"James—hello!"

James shook his head, shocked that he was spacing again. "Sorry," he said immediately. Sirius rolled his eyes. "Hello, Madam Rosmerta," said James, smiling.

Madam Rosmerta smiled, but she looked concerned. "You okay?" she asked. "You look ill."

James shook his head. "I'm just tired," he said.

Madam Rosmerta looked as if she were about to question him more, but Remus gave her a look that said it was being taken care of, and she stopped. "Having anything, James?"

James ordered a butterbeer, but he was sure he wasn't going to have to drink it.

Madam Rosmerta left to get their drinks. As soon as she left the table, Peter turned on him. "She agrees!" he said.

"I said not to," said Sirius, aggravated. "Just leave it."

"No," said James. His voice was soft and weary, but still angry enough to sound forceful. "If you want to yell at me, Sirius, go right ahead."

Sirius shook his head, looking bewildered. "You want a reason to be mad at me, and I'm not going to give into your stupidity." On second thought, Sirius added, "If you're not going to treat us like your friends, you might as well leave."

Remus looked as if he desperately wanted to jump in and defend James, but he restrained himself.

"Look," said Sirius, "you aren't fun to be around anymore, and I _know _you've been quietly thinking up excuses to get yourself out of here—"

It was true. James felt ashamed. How could Sirius see through him?

"—so I'm going to relieve you of that by just letting you leave."

James looked at Remus, trying to see his feelings about it, but Remus moved his eyes to the floor.

"Fine," said James, swallowing painfully. He'd never heard Sirius talk in such a way before. He'd been eager to get away before, but now—he couldn't get back to school fast enough.

"And don't," Sirius continued, "dare start feeling sorry for yourself because, from the moment we got to school, you've been completely antagonistic, and I'm sick of it."

"Fine," James repeated, trying to ignore the words coming out of Sirius' mouth. "I'll just go back now, and you can talk about me while I'm going." He gave a false smile.

Sirius watched as James walked out of the pub, disregarding that burning feeling of regret. He would not feel bad about what he had said after everything James had done and said to him for weeks. Besides, James would have more time to relax before doing rounds with Lily, which was probably something he wanted.

Madam Rosmerta returned with their drinks in hand only a moment or two after James disappeared.

"Where's James?" she asked.

Sirius sighed.

"It turns out he really was sick," said Remus, taking a sip of his drink.

By eleven, James was glad he'd left his friends because they weren't back yet, and if he had stayed with them, he would have been late for patrolling.

James told her he was ready, and he waited for her to say farewell to her boyfriend by the staircase. When Gavin had gone upstairs, Lily came over to him, looking almost as tired as James was.

"Let's go," she said.

James nodded.

James and Lily walked out through the portrait hole silently, as they did most days, both in another world.

James stared straight ahead, his eyes drooping closed. Nobody was around, so he thought it was rather pointless to be searching. Even Lily seemed to think it was ridiculous. The only boys were ever out were in Hogsmeade.

His cloak! James had taken it with him. He chuckled.

Lily turned to him as if he had screamed. "What?" she asked suspiciously.

James had never seen such paranoia (except in himself). "I just realized I left something somewhere."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Funny," she said, clearly confused, but she didn't question him.

James tried to keep his mind on simple things, but everything (quidditch, Lily, and classes) that had once been easy had become incredibly painful. The fact that he couldn't turn to other subjects only made him feel worse. He decided to risk beginning a conversation. It would be better than falling asleep in the hallway.

"So, how are things going with Gavin?" he asked quietly. A part of him hoped Lily wouldn't hear his question.

"Good," she answered, smiling for the first time.

James felt better after she smiled at him. It was contagious, and she was so damn beautiful. James could tell she was trying very hard to come up with a question to ask him.

"How is your family?" she asked.

James laughed softly, knowing she'd asked just to show she couldn't come up with anything better. The feeling of laughter had become so foreign to him, and it was strange that he was being rather free with Evans, of all people, but he couldn't feel good around his own friends.

"Okay, I suppose," said James, shrugging.

Lily's smile faded a little. "What was up with you in History of Magic?" she asked bluntly.

Lily looked as if she couldn't believe she'd asked him such a question.

"Sirius was angry with me," said James, hoping he sounded nonchalant. "He's being overbearing."

Lily looked thoughtful. She was probably going to ask Sirius later on, considering they were 'friends' and all.

"Everyone's been a bit concerned about you, James, even Gavin."

James didn't really know what to say to that. He didn't realize Lily had been noticing.

"It's my friends who have been acting weird," he said. "Look, I don't feel like talking about this anymore."

Lily sighed. "Okay then," she said.

It was obvious to anyone with ears that she was annoyed. He didn't blame her, of course. Almost every single time the two of them patrolled, James would get defensive about something or another, and they'd end up fighting. This was possibly the reason Lily was usually hesitant to talk to him.

James slipped his hands into his pockets, concentrating on the steps. He noted every crack in the floor and wall. From time to time, he felt Lily's eyes on him.

"You going to be in class tomorrow?" Lily asked cautiously.

"Yes," said James, paying more attention to the ground than to Lily. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Lily winced slightly at his harsh tone. "Just wondering."

"Don't," said James. "I don't need _Gavin's_ concern. I don't need _your _curiosity. Evans, I'm fine, okay?"

"And they say _I'm_ mean to _you_!" said Lily angrily, raising her voice. "Why do I bother acting like I care?"

"Don't ask me," said James quietly.

Lily looked disbelieving. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she asked. "You act like you want to be friends one second…"

"Time flies when you're screaming," said James.

They had arrived at the portrait of the Fat Lady. James couldn't be happier to be done.

"Thank God!" said Lily, happy to get into the common room. "Even when I try to be nice, you don't appreciate it, Potter."

James rolled his eyes. They'd become quite predictable. Patrolling ended in pretty much the same way each time. The two of them walked up, Evans fuming, James wondering when their rather pleasant conversation had gone bad.

James, when he opened the door to his dormitory, went over to his catastrophic day. He had been practically ignored by his friends. He'd made an idiot of himself in History of Magic, fought with Sirius, passed out, eaten _chocolate, _and he'd just made Evans angry with him.

Surprisingly, his friends were there. Then again, it wasn't that surprising because they knew his patrolling schedule, an they knew where he went first, so they would have avoided him easily while getting back in.

James wasn't stunned when he saw Remus reading and Peter sleeping. It was pretty much normal for their schedule. Sirius was sitting cross-legged on his bed, staring into space, as if he were deep in thought.

James didn't say anything, deciding to just get into bed. Sirius turned his eyes from the ceiling to James.

"James," he said softly.

James kept his eyes closed, pretending he didn't hear him. He knew it was silly because Sirius wasn't dumb. He knew James was awake. Still, he kept silent.

"James," Sirius repeated patiently.

"He won't stop until you answer," said Remus, looking up from his book for a split second.

James groaned. "What?" he asked reluctantly.

"Why don't you trust me anymore?" Sirius asked in a strangled sort of voice. On second glance, James realized he looked terribly depressed.

James knew that this was a side of Sirius. He'd seen it before. Remus pulled the hangings closed around his bed, as he often did when he felt he was intruding on some important conversation between the two.

This strange, insecure, purely neglected, innocent-like side of Sirius came out from time to time, but James knew, this time, he had triggered it. James was the one person in the world Sirius knew he could always count on, and James was letting him down.

James sat up, even though he was sincerely unwilling to, and spoke in the strongest voice he could manage. "I do trust you, Sirius." James wasn't sure if he was being truthful or not. "You may not trust me anymore." He was no longer using that as a defense. He truly believed it.

Sirius shook his head, looking as if he were ten years younger, but speaking as if he were ten years older. "I don't know how I can. Please tell me what's going on."

James felt his mood swinging easily back and forth. He was going to control it, and he wasn't going to let himself get angry. "I promise there is absolutely, positively, nothing wrong with me. I'm stressed out, and that is all. If there were something wrong, I would tell you."

James was lying through his teeth, calmly and seriously. And, for a moment, James thought Sirius believed him.

Then, he smiled sadly and shook his head. "Wow," he said. "You've certainly perfected those skills. You can lie effortlessly while looking into my eyes like that. I am impressed."

James should have known Sirius wouldn't have believed him, but he didn't want Sirius to worry about something that wasn't important. James could admit that, no, he wasn't particularly happy, but he wasn't diseased or anything.

He almost laughed. Anorexia? Him? James could only imagine what people would say if they heard that, and James knew that was what Sirius would think he had if he told him the truth was he hadn't been eating.

But he wasn't anorexic. That word was certainly too strong. In fact, James didn't have a problem, but maybe—in someone else's eyes—it could be seen as one.

"I'm not lying," said James.

Sirius, however, wasn't being understanding anymore. James had not earned it. "Why won't you let me help? James, I'm not asking for much here."

"You're asking me to tell you I have a problem when I don't!"

Sirius must have seen he wasn't going to get through to James, but he continued anyway. "Is it Evans? Did she say something that put you into this depression? Um…something with your parents? Your sisters? Me? One of—"

"I'm not depressed. Don't you get that?"

James suddenly realized he was standing, and so he lowered himself down to the bed. He was so tired due to the crazy day he'd had.

"I think…"

Sirius was still talking, but James had begun to drown him out. He took a deep breath, but he didn't feel it go in the way it normally did. James was dizzy again, and he was beginning to see stars, but it was different from earlier on. It felt worse.

"Ow," he said, putting his hand on his chest.

It must have been the yelling, James decided. The anger and yelling combined with how weak and tired he was. That was the reason.

James abruptly began to worry he was dying. He started to wonder if his friends would miss him after he died. Then, the panic set in. They hated him at the moment. They wouldn't miss him at all. And…was James having deja vu or had he really thought the same things earlier on? He tried to focus more on the real world, but he really didn't feel like he was there anymore.

James vaguely heard Remus saying his name, but he thought that could have been his imagination.

For a moment, everything came back into focus, and James was aware that he was on the floor, gripping the bed above him. Strangely, he believed he was crying. How could someone start to cry without realizing it?

"James," he heard. This time, he wasn't imagining it, but he didn't want to answer because his breathing was so irregular.

Remus had long since gotten out of bed, and Peter was at his side. "We have to get him to Madam Pomfrey," he said, looking anxiously at James. "I guess we have to…help him out. And, what's the best way to do that?"

Remus tried to reason out the most efficient way to help James from their dormitory to the hospital wing. "If I had only mastered that ch…"

"Remus!" said Sirius. "I don't care what's best." Sirius wasn't concerned with thinking. Not wanting to waste time, he did the first thing that came to mind. He first helped James to his feet, and he wrapped one arm under James' legs to lift him up, and he put his other on James' back.

"Damn, he's light," said Sirius, who had obviously been expecting a heavier load when he took the chance of picking him up.

"No," said James, still trying to figure out a way to breathe more easily.

"Don't say anything," said Sirius. He turned back to Remus. "This works. Well, let's go!"

"You go ahead. I'll wake Peter, and we'll catch up."

It didn't take very long for Remus to wake Peter, and Peter rushed out with him the moment he heard James was in trouble. They were able to catch up with Sirius in no time.

"James, don't struggle," said Remus, looking worried by James' thrashing.

"Has he been doing that…constantly?" asked Peter.

Sirius looked relieved when they reached the hospital wing. James, however, was not. "Let go," he said, his voice barely audible.

"He's sweating like crazy," said Remus.

Madam Pomfrey came out of her private quarters after hearing all of the noise the marauders were making.

She ordered him to be laid down on a bed, and she went to fetch him a glass of water.

When she returned, she glared at them immediately. "Well? What are you waiting for? Out."

"But," began Sirius, "we—"

"Out!" she interrupted. "You can wait outside."

Having experienced her wrath, the boys knew better than to protest. They left the room unhappily.

Madam Pomfrey gave James his water as well a relaxation potion. It only took a short while for his breathing to return to normal. However, he was still a bit shaken.

"What…umm…what was that?" he asked, managing to get the words out.

Madam Pomfrey walked over to feel his forehead. "Panic attack," she said calmly. "You should be all right now."

James nodded.

"Are you quite stressed, Potter?" asked Madam Pomfrey as she bustled about, taking care of things she'd need in the morning. "I mean, more so than usual."

"No, I'm okay," he replied.

"Hmm." James wasn't sure if the noise meant that she didn't believe him or that she was just thinking.

"Are you absolutely sure?" she asked. "Stress is nothing to be embarrassed about, Mr. Potter," she said. James was surprised by her compassion. Perhaps, it was because she was tired.

"I'm _fine."_

Madam Pomfrey bit her lip. His defensiveness must have flipped a switch on in her head. "How's your diet?"

"My diet?" James asked, confused.

"Yes. How, I mean, what have you eaten today?"

James knew it would have been easy enough to lie, but his heart was beating so fast, and he was still sweating so badly that he wondered if he needed the extra bit of guilt on his shoulders.

"I had bacon and eggs for breakfast with Remus. I'll admit I didn't have the best lunch, consisting of mostly candy and chocolate—" James figured it couldn't hurt to throw in some sugar into the lie, "and then I had some steak for dinner."

Madam Pomfrey eyed him suspiciously. Was it possible that she saw right through his lies? Did he look as guilty as he felt?

"Shall I bring your friends in then?" she asked.

James nodded. "I suppose."

Madam Pomfrey left James in his bed to go collect Sirius, Remus, and Peter. When she opened the door, they all jumped at the chance to be allowed in.

Madam Pomfrey held up her hand. "I have a few questions for you," she said, closing the door to the hospital wing so that there was no chance of James overhearing.

"Has James been acting differently lately, by any chance?"

Sirius and Remus exchanged looks. "Well…" said Remus, "yes, to be honest."

"What happened to him?" asked Peter, only troubled about what had happened. "Is he okay?"

"At the moment, he's fine, but it's very possible this will happen again. He had a panic attack, and I'd like to keep him overnight, only because he's still a bit shaken by the whole thing, and I think there will be less of a chance of it happening again if he feels…close to help, if you know what I mean."

They all nodded.

"My first thought was that the attack might have been brought on simply by stress, but I then realized that…food deprivation could be a possible complication. James tells me he's been eating all right, and I'm assuming this is true."

Once again, the friends looked at one another, and then Sirius looked down, ashamed. "I—well, I haven't noticed anything different," he said in a voice barely above a whisper.

"No," said Remus confidently. "I know he has been eating fine. Anytime that he didn't eat with us, it was because he'd already eaten in the kitchens."

Sirius gave him a look that clearly said James could have been lying to them, but Remus shook his head, and he said strongly, "James has been eating whenever he said he was. I know it."

Madam Pomfrey told them that she would, of course, get back to the conversation if need be, and she let them come in.

"Don't say anything about it to James," said Remus under his breath, taking care not to let Madam Pomfrey hear him as they followed her. "If we just assume he has an eating disorder, and he doesn't, he'll be furious. Just—you guys came up with some crazy ideas about what was wrong with me, and in the end…well, I just think we need to be patient with him."

"Patient?" asked Sirius incredulously, stopping just after they'd gotten through the doorway. "Remus, I just carried my best friend to the hospital wing while he was crying, which I have never seen him do, by the way, barely breathing, trying to push away from me, and using the only air he had to try to insult me in order to be let down because he didn't want to come here. Patience is getting us nowhere with him," he said, moving toward the room again.

Remus understood Sirius' side, but he pulled him back again. "Think about it this way. If you freak him out again, he might have another panic attack, and we don't want that."

Peter nodded along with Remus' words. "He's not stable right now."

"Exactly," said Remus.

Sirius took a deep breath and nodded. "He scared the _hell _out of me, you know?"

"Oh, me too," said Remus. "And we will keep an eye on him and all. I just don't want to try to scare him into telling us anything."

"How can he still think he's fine?" asked Peter. "He practically died in your arms…" Sirius shuddered at Peter's choice of words, "and he's still going to say to us that he's fine, that he's angry we made him come here."

"Ungrateful bastard," said Sirius, shaking his head.

Remus grinned slightly. "Get those mean words out of your system."

After a bit of discussing what they could and could not say when they got to their friend, Sirius, Remus, and Peter made there way over to James' bed.

Remus glanced at his watch. "Twelve-thirty," he said.

"Long day," said Peter.

Author's Note: Okay, so review please. :)


	6. Better and Worse

Author's Note: Well, you know my story. I've been so busy, but here I am.

James' friends approached him cautiously. Sirius looked at him with an expression of worry mixed with a sudden realization, as if he had just figured out everything that should have been so obvious to him.

James smiled uneasily at them. Madam Pomfrey was in her office again, but she was listening to everything they said.

"Hey," said James. "Scary, huh?"

There were dried tears on his face, and he was quite pale. He tried to act, however, as if he looked completely normal.

"Yeah," said Sirius, remembering the promise he'd made to be patient about it. "Yes, it was pretty scary."

Sirius looked as if being quiet about his frustration was taking an enormous amount of effort.

"I'm okay to go back now," said James. "I really feel fine."

Sirius glanced at Madam Pomfrey before answering James. "Pomfrey wants you to stay the night."

Remus bit his lip, scenting danger. "And I think she's going to get something for you to eat."

James looked confused. "Why?" he asked. "I already did."

"I know," said Remus immediately. James could tell he was slightly intimidated, and he obviously didn't want to say anything that might set James off. "She just…thinks you should like…" he looked to Sirius, desperately, for help.

"Build up your strength, you know?" he finished.

James seemed to believe him, but he didn't look pleased. "Everyone is judgmental. They have to assume I'm starving myself if I have some stupid panic attack."

"I agree," said Peter. He always had complete trust in James' word.

Sirius was still staring at James with a look of pure astonishment. "Do you not realize we're trying to help you, Madam Pomfrey included? Not hungry? So sorry to inconvenience you."

James winced. "Okay," he whispered. He wasn't interested in arguing with him further.

Sirius sighed. "I'm going to bed."

"Even if I don't fight back, you leave," said James, throwing his hands in the air, exasperated.

Sirius ignored him. "Bye," he said to the three of them, strolling out of the room.

James looked helplessly at Remus. "Am I wrong?" he asked. "Tell me."

Madam Pomfrey walked out of her office and smiled at them. "Be back in a moment," she said.

"Where—"

"I don't think there's a right or wrong with this," said Remus, cutting off James' question to Madam Pomfrey. He was sure it would have been abut where she was going.

"He's concerned. That's all."

"But he's yelling at me for every damn thing!" James exclaimed. "I don't deserve that!"

Remus sat down on the end of James' bed, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "James, you were not breathing. You just…practically… Look, Sirius isn't good with situations like this, and you know that."

James nodded. He sat up slowly, hugging his knees. "I really am okay," he said, looking away.

"I know," said Remus, sounding understanding. "This is just to be safe."

In truth, Remus didn't know what he believed. He was sure that James wouldn't lie to them, and he was also quire certain James couldn't have an eating disorder. That was just ridiculous. He didn't understand why anyone, but especially James, would risk everything for something so…unimportant.

But Remus didn't know anything about eating disorders, so he supposed he wasn't one to judge.

However, the circumstances were rather suspicious. James had barely been with them at meals. His perfect grades, though he had no idea Remus was aware, had been slipping. As Sirius had said numerous times, he wasn't acting like himself. Was it possible that this had been going on, and no one had been able to tell?

One thing was for sure. James didn't look good.

Sirius tried not to think too much about losing his temper on James again. He'd been trying so hard to keep from questioning him about his eating that he'd been close to blowing up.

James had just made it im_possible. _He just continued complaining about wanting to leave, not wanting to eat, being treated as if he couldn't handle himself—and he couldn't—and so many other things.

Admittedly, Sirius had been unhappy with the way their friendship had been going for quite some time, so he took part of the blame, but James' attitude—the "I don't care if I scared you to death. I'm all that matters in the world" view wasn't going to work for Sirius.

And, of course, it wasn't as if James truly realized the effect all of this had been having on Sirius. The thought of being without him was unbearable.

Sirius shook his head. He was not going to think about it!

When he walked into the common room, Lily, as always, was leaning over the table in front of the couch, doing homework.

"Hey," said Sirius, walking immediately over to her, needing interaction with someone who wasn't going to make him crazy.

Lily looked up from her open textbook. "Hi, Sirius," she said, giving him a small smile. She picked up some of her books that were scattered on the couch, and threw them to the floor.

"Sit," she said.

Lily didn't ask where he'd been or where his friends were. She never asked questions.

Sirius gladly sat down in the place she had made for him.

"It's late," she said conversationally.

"It is," he said, sighing. "Why do you take so many classes, Lily?" he asked. "It's insane."

Lily nodded. "Yeah, but—something wrong?"

Sirius shrugged. "But seriously. These classes will be the death of you, Lil."

Lily laughed, not willing to push Sirius into something he didn't want to talk about.

"James and I got into another argument before," she said. "I was counting on him to help me with Transfiguration, but—as it is—since we're not on good terms…" She raised an eyebrow, "and he's not the one wiiiiiith me."

Sirius laughed. "Subtle. Yeah, I'll help."

Lily smiled gratefully. "Thank you," she said, throwing her Transfiguration textbook in his lap. "I didn't finish even two yet."

"Great," said Sirius, rolling his eyes.

Madam Pomfrey had gotten the House-Elves to cook up some food for James, and Remus and Peter had eaten along with him to make him feel as if they weren't watching his every move.

James hesitated, it seemed, before every bite. Remus tried to pretend he wasn't paying attention, but he was aware of every suspicious pause. James declared himself uncomfortably full after only four bites.

"I honestly wasn't hungry to begin with," he said. "Apparently, though, I still needed food shoved down my throat."

"I think it's time you two went back to your room," Madam Pomfrey suggested. "Mr. Potter needs his rest."

James rolled his eyes. "Am I _done _now?" he asked, referring to his food.

Madam Pomfrey didn't answer him. "Say good-bye."

James was annoyed that, once again, he was being treated like a baby. "Bye,' he said.

Remus exchanged a meaningful look with Peter. "Will we be able to come in the morning?"

Madam Pomfrey nodded, and she shooed them away.

Sirius and Lily found they had a lot to talk about. Sirius spent most of his time complaining about all the awful stuff that had been going on, but Lily didn't mind at all.

"And then there's James," said Sirius.

Lily, now very interested, raised an eyebrow. She had been hoping Sirius would spill what they were fighting about.

"Lily, he's gone completely off his rocker. He's defensive, angry, tired, weak, downright unfriendly, and worst of all, we now have reason to believe he may not be eating," said Sirius.

He didn't seem to feel that he was giving too much information. In fact, Lily thought he was rather enjoying exploiting James, which proved her theory that James wasn't the only one acting differently.

Sirius had been treating James badly before James had even started being odd. However, Lily didn't really feel comfortable voicing that particular opinion.

"You think he hasn't been eating?" asked Lily, looking thoughtful.

"Remember the first week of school? When I found out you guys had been secretly going into Hogsmeade?" Sirius nodded. "After I found you guys, and I was on my way back to the common room Gavin told me James was throwing up like crazy in the bathroom. Gavin asked him if he needed help going to the nurse or something, but James said he'd been eating too much Honeyduke's candy with you, and he'd be fine."

Sirius laughed disbelievingly. "I remember we pretty much forced it on him."

"You thought something was wrong?" asked Lily sympathetically.

"Not really," said Sirius, laughing slightly. "We always did that to him. He was never a crazy eater."

"Really?"

"Yeah, well…I guess that's why I didn't notice much of a difference," he said, looking at his hands.

"Well, where is he now?"

Sirius looked back up at her. "Hospital Wing," said Sirius. Lily raised an eyebrow expectantly. "I shouldn't be telling you this."

Lily sighed, having known already that was coming.

She put her book down on the table, surprised to find how tired she suddenly felt. She leaned easily against him. "Is there something wrong with you as well?" Lily doubted he'd answer in the affirmative.

Sirius shrugged. "How could I not notice my best friend wasn't eating?" he asked.

Lily wasn't so sure the question was for her to answer, but she figured she would anyway.

"It's not your fault. James can be…" she searched for the right word, "sneaky."

Sirius looked at her. Lily was practically asleep on his shoulder.

"Besides," she continued, "I think he would only eat when he thought you were getting suspicious."

Lily had never thought about it before, but now that it was on her mind, she realized that must have been what James was doing. He would make tons of excuses to not eat, and when he realized they were worrying about his odd behaviors, he'd eat, though not a decent amount. Obviously, even what he did eat, he wouldn't contain.

"It's not your fault. That's my point."

Sirius wanted to believe her, but he couldn't help feeling somewhat responsible for ignoring his friend's issues. He'd constantly overlooked them, thinking they'd all go away, but they didn't.

Not eating. Sirius had never stopped to think that his friend would have something so wrong with him that he'd simply stop eating. What could have caused it? An eating disorder…he just could not believe that.

Sirius looked down at Lily, realizing she had fallen asleep.

Just as he was moving to put Lily's head on the pillow, Remus and Peter came in through the Portrait Hole.

Sirius stood up, deciding that it would be best to let Lily sleep. He had helped her finish almost all of her homework, and she could always touch on the little she hadn't finished during breakfast.

Damn girl. Saturday class.

"Hey," said Sirius.

Remus and Peter, careful not to be loud enough to disturb Lily, walked over to where he was.

"He umm…" Remus said, lowering his voice, "ate a bit."

"I thought you thought he'd been eating just fine," said Sirius, crossing his arms.

"I do," said Remus. "I don't think James would do that to himself, Sirius."

Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose, exhausted. "Well, he _is."_

"It's bad enough Sirius and James are fighting," said Peter, stepping in between them. "Don't start something between you two."

"We're fine," said Sirius, though his eyes showed something different. "Let's go to bed."

"Fine by me," said Remus, agitated.

They went upstairs to their room, not speaking another word to each other. There was so much left to say, but not one of them was brave enough to talk anymore.

Lily awoke to the rather strange sound of someone knocking over a lamp. She didn't even _have _a lamp in her room. She groaned, exhausted, and she heard someone curse.

Lily slowly opened her eyes, and she was shocked to find she had fall asleep on the common room couch.

"I'm sorry!"

Lily looked over to see James pulling up the lamp he'd knocked down. "It didn't mean to wake you."

Lily sat up completely. "Aren't you supposed to be in the Hospital Wing?" she asked apprehensively.

James stayed where he was, his hand still on the lamp. "Let me guess. Sirius told you in order to make sure you had an eye out." He rolled his eyes. "Madam Pomfrey let me leave. I was planning on taking a walk, but my shoes were upstairs." Lily didn't ask why he hadn't brought his shoes with him. She supposed there hadn't been time. "I had to get them."

Lily was glad he didn't mention the fight they had had. She didn't see why he would have, but she was pleased nonetheless.

"A walk," Lily repeated. "A walk outside." She looked at her watch. "A walk outside at four-thirty in the morning."

"Mhm," James answered easily. "You have your Saturday class today, right?" he asked.

Lily nodded. "I'll let you sleep then," he said, smiling.

Lily was so tired that she wasn't going to ask him anything else, but she just had to wonder.

"She let you leave at four-thirty?" she asked. It just seemed so strange.

James frowned, probably hurt because Lily didn't trust him.

"Yes," he said. "I'll see you later, Evans."

Lily didn't dwell on any of it, and she let herself fall right back to sleep.

James had, in fact, gotten permission to leave from Madam Pomfrey. She wasn't terribly happy about the idea, especially after being woken up at four in the morning, but after making sure he'd eaten a decent amount and setting up some check-up appointments (because James had promised he'd been eating, and to prove it, he decided on his own to eat in the hospital wing under her watch two days a week), she reluctantly let him go.

James had barely a problem getting rid of the food he had been forced to eat. Even if he preferred not having to rid of anything, he supposed, since they were now onto him, James would have to simple move onto plan B: Small, soft, carefully cut, foods that were easy to dispose of.

And running. Lots and lots of running.

James walked out onto the quidditch pitch, deciding that if any other student happened to be up before five on a Saturday, he or she wouldn't be able to accuse him of doing anything wrong.

Then…why did he feel so guilty?

James pushed his bangs out of his eyes and ran. Running around the school grounds had always made him feel better, no matter what, and now it would also help him with his weight.

Running felt good. He could feel the cool morning breeze of late September blowing in his face, and his two sweatshirts under his robes kept him warm enough.

But, no matter what he did, he couldn't stop his guilty thoughts from coming through.

James stopped running just to catch his breath. He bent over, laying his hands on his knees while he tried to steady his breathing. Deciding it would take more than a couple minutes to feel ready to move again, he dropped to a sitting position on the field.

He hadn't exactly gotten far.

James tried to ignore the thoughts, but there they were again. He guessed it was because he knew his friends would disapprove of what he was doing, but he had no reason to feel guilty. There was nothing wrong with a bit of control in a person's life. Nothing wrong at all.

And he _did_ have it all under control. Well, maybe not everything. He couldn't, for the life of him, control his mood swings or his sudden lack of patience. He couldn't control why he was treating Evans so badly when she didn't deserve it. Most importantly, he couldn't go back in time.

However, James could control his weight, and he could control it from going too far. He really could. If he thought it was hurting him, all he'd have to do was…eat a bit.

It wasn't going to come to that point, though. James wouldn't need to start "eating a bit," and by that, one could really say "digest" the food. He wouldn't need to because his current method was working, and he was happier than he'd ever been.

James wasn't sick. Anyone who thought he was just didn't understand that James was different from those anorexic and bulimic people. _He _didn't have an illness. He was managing just fine, and he wasn't hiding it because he was in denial, or because he was ashamed or guilty. No, he did it because he knew they would think he was ill. They would think something was seriously wrong. James just happened to have amazing self-discipline. There was absolutely nothing bad about that. Was there?

James stood up, reading to run again. If he could get in another two and a half hours or so without collapsing, perhaps he would allow himself a piece of toast at breakfast…if he promised himself he would run again afterwards. It was all about control, management, and the ability to make others see that he was sort of eating now. If he had to change his method, it didn't matter. His friends would be satisfied, and he would be as well.

"James Potter is a manipulative, arrogant, self-obsessed, immature, unnecessary to the earth, ungrateful, uncaring, conniving, two-faced bastard."

Remus didn't look up from his book. "Well, I actually disagree with how necessary he is to the earth," he said, trying to hide his smile.

Sirius was not in a mood to be teased. They had just spoken with Lily, and she had been more than happy to tell them that James had gone for a walk at around four-thirty. Since then, she hadn't seen him.

After Lily had gone to her Saturday Divination lesson (as there was no room left in her Monday to Friday schedule), Sirius hadn't stopped complaining about all the things he hated in his own best friend.

"Oh, trust me. He's done more bad than good," said Sirius.

"To you or the earth?" asked Peter, stifling a laugh.

Sirius paced in front of them while Remus, Peter, and Alice sat on the couch. Sirius had been the one who originally was going to go in search for James, but since they wanted him brought back in one piece, they decided to send Frank Longbottom out instead. Though they didn't give him all of the information, he had been happy for the job.

"Both," said Sirius, only catching a bit of the sarcasm. "I know you guys think it's absolutely hilarious he's out there killing himself, but—"

"He is _not," _said Remus. "James is just going through something we don't understand."

"You're always making excuses for him," said Sirius, frustrated.

"Woah, have we switched roles? _I'm _the one who mothers. You are always on his side."

"I'm not mothering," said Sirius through gritted teeth.

Alice rolled her eyes. "It's just concern," she said, standing up to pat his shoulder. "But I'm a little concerned myself with yo—"

Alice didn't finish her sentence because Frank walked into the room with James by his side.

"Here he is," said Frank joyfully, chuckling as he sat down next to Peter.

"Guest of honor," James muttered sarcastically under his breath.

Sirius, surprising them all, walked quickly over to him, looking incredibly worried. "Are you okay?" he asked.

James nodded, also looking surprised. "I'm fine."

Sirius seemed to be struggling with two plans of action. One involved hitting him until he was able to knock sense into him. The other was smiling, moving on, and hoping that he really was wrong about James.

"Good," he said, going with neither plan. Alice raised one eyebrow in his direction, but he pretended not to notice.

"Let's go to breakfast," said Frank.

"Yeah." James agreed. His friends seemed happy he made no excuse, and he was looking forward to his toast.

He already had his day planned out. If he ate his toast, and he ran it all off, he could then skip lunch entirely (with a good excuse), and he'd make sure the dinner he ate would be easy enough to…well…get out. There. If he did all that, his friends would get off his back.

Lily smiled as Gavin sat down beside her in the Great Hall.

"Hey," he said, kissing her cheek. "Why must your class be so damn early?"

"Get it over with before I eat," she said smiling.

Gavin nodded. "Good idea. So, how was it?" he asked, knowing she hated the subject, but being stubborn, refused to drop it.

"Eh," she said with a shrug. "Professor Mirandum predicted the fall of our relationship."

Gavin sighed sadly. "I guess we'll just have to end it now to save us any future pain," he joked.

Lily laughed. "Considering she also predicted that I'd one day marry James Potter, I think we're safe."

Gavin rolled his eyes. "What a mental case."

Lily played around with her oatmeal, but she didn't feel much like eating it. "I need to talk to you about him actually."

"Potter?" he asked. Lily nodded. "Sure."

"Keep a secret?" she asked.

"Of course," he said, leaning closer eagerly.

"Sirius thinks he has an eating disorder," she said.

"Wow," said Gavin, glancing over at James. He was breaking a slice of toast with a knife. "That's not good."

"No," said Lily, shaking her head. "How's he doing during practice?"

Even though the quidditch season didn't officially begin until towards November, James had decided that practices would begin as soon as he'd composed the team. Lily's boyfriend had been chosen as a beater.

Gavin shrugged. "To be honest, I haven't noticed a difference, but if you want, I'll keep an eye out."

"Please," she said, watching as James looked around at the students in almost every seat and even at the teachers before taking a tiny bite of his toast.

Lily turned back to him, and Gavin took that as an opportunity to kiss her.

Lily happily kissed him back. "What was that for?" she asked when he pulled away.

"You're amazing," he said, nodding toward James. "So caring."

He pushed a stray hair behind her ear and kissed her again.

"_That_ was because I love you."

Lily smiled. "Love you too."

"Stop watching them," Sirius ordered, not looking up from his plate.

James turned back to him, embarrassed that he had been caught. "I—I wasn't," he denied.

"Stop," said Sirius, more softly this time. "You'll hurt yourself."

"Don't worry about it, Padfoot. He's okay," said Remus. "But you really shouldn't stare, James."

Sirius ignored Remus' comment. "You'll drive yourself crazy watching her, knowing that she's in love with someone else."

"I'm not stupid," said James.

"Look, it's for your own good," said Sirius. 'If you continue thinking and thinking about it, your relationship with her will get worse," said Sirius. "And it's bad already."

"That can't happen," said James, breaking off another small piece of bread.

"Trust me," said Sirius, looking away from him. "It can."

James didn't ask what he meant by that.

Author's Note: That was pretty long, yes? I worked very hard to make this how it was, and it turned out…okay, I think. So, pleeeeease review.

P.S. Katie, if you review, remind me (in it) that I have to talk to you about something, but I'm too lazy to start an email chain lol.


	7. Failure

Author's Note: I'm really excited about my newest story _Just Passing Through_. It's sort of a companion to this, but it's a lot about Sirius. I would love it if any of you decide to read it. Oh, another thing: you may notice James is having rather repetitive thoughts. For example, last chapter (or maybe even the one before) he was worried Sirius hated him, and he'll have the thoughts _a_gain. It's intentional.

"Poor job, Mr. Potter," said Professor McGonagall, shaking her head when she put his recent test down on his desk.

James turned it over, hoping Remus hadn't seen the bad mark.

"How'd you do?" James asked his friend.

Remus shrugged. "Umm—okay," he said, looking uncomfortable.

James raised an eyebrow. It wasn't normal for Remus to be embarrassed about a grade.

Remus sighed, showing him the paper. He had done perfectly, of course, and as a good friend, Remus didn't want to rub it in.

"One test," said James, "isn't a big deal."

Remus didn't say anything else about James' test.

"How much longer do we have?" he asked, glaring at the clock.

"About five minutes," said Remus, looking just as tired as James.

Since James' panic attack two weeks previously, James had noticed a significant change in Remus. He had become so careful not to offend James, and that itself was rather offensive.

"Mr. Potter? Mr. Lupin?"

The two boys looked up at Professor McGonagall guiltily. "Perhaps, Mr. Potter, if you paid attention instead of talking, you wouldn't have a problem."

James would have given anything to have prevented McGonagall from bringing attention to him, particularly in a negative way. Everyone knew Transfiguration was James' best subject. He had always excelled in it, and he didn't appreciate people knowing he had failed an exam, especially Sirius. He didn't need more of an excuse to bother James.

James nodded quietly, and Remus looked a tad embarrassed. They decided to pay attention for the last four minutes of class.

Finally, after the longest two hundred and forty seconds of James' life, the sound of the bell gave them freedom.

James smiled at Remus. "Crazy day, eh?"

"Oh, yes," said Remus. "First, I make my potions exam explode, then you fail a Transfiguration test. Something new every minute."

"It is just one test, Moony," said James, feeling rather defensive about the poor mark he had received.

"Mr. Potter?"

James sighed.

"May I have a word?" she asked, but James knew he didn't have a choice in the matter.

"I'll see you later," he said, rolling his eyes skyward.

Remus smiled weakly, meeting Sirius and Peter at the door. Sirius looked at James unsurely, but James waved him off.

James watched the rest of the class leave, and then he walked to the teacher's desk.

"Yes?" he asked, realizing his voice was cold.

Professor McGonagall sighed, not pleased with his tone, but she let it go. "James, I want you to know that you are failing my class," she said sternly. "You haven't passed on quiz or exam. You have not given me one assignment…"

"Sorry," said James. He wasn't sure what else to say.

"Don't apologize to me," said Professor McGonagall. "This isn't my problem, Mr. Potter."

James didn't understand why she would be bringing it up again. Then, he got the idea.

"I won't graduate, will I?"

"It's early," said McGonagall softly, trying to be understanding. James' grades were never a problem before. "There is plenty of time to bring the grades up, but that's not what the problem is."

"Hmm?"

"I'm worried. This—this isn't like you, James." She only used his first name on special occasions. "You are a great student. I—"

"I'll bring it up, like you said," said James. "Problem solved."

McGonagall raised an eyebrow. "Is it?" McGonagall decided to take a different approach. "How are you doing in your other classes, Potter?"

"Fine," James quickly answered.

"Indeed?"

James nodded.

Professor McGonagall shook her head. "That's not what I've heard. Some other teachers are concerned, James, and we—"

James could not take it any longer. "Stop talking to them! What? Do you think I am failing for fun?"

"Do NOT shout, Potter."

James felt a detention coming on, but surprisingly, McGonagall said, "You may go now," wearily.

James turned around. Before he made it to the door, McGonagall called him again. "If you need anything," she said, letting the words hang there.

James nodded, but he seriously doubted he would go to his teacher if he needed someone.

James left the room without another word.

"Do you see?" asked Sirius, flipping through his textbook pages absentmindedly. "McGonagall noticed it too."

Remus rolled his eyes, resisting the urge to close the hangings around his bed, blocking Sirius from sight.

"I'm not saying there's not something weird going on, Padfoot," said Remus. "I just don't think it's anything serious."

Sirius sighed. "Whatever."

Peter looked anxiously at the bedroom door, knowing that James would walk in at any moment, and Peter didn't want him to hear they were discussing him again.

Sirius continued flipping through the textbook. "So, you know why she wanted to talk to him."

Remus shook his head, not willing to expose James' secret.

James opened the door. "I'm here," he said, closing the door behind him. "Last time I went for a walk, you sent out a search party. Can I go now?"

Sirius knew James was speaking directly to him, but he didn't answer. He simply turned to a page in his textbook, pretending to be doing homework.

"I'll take that as a yes," he said, shrugging.

James grabbed his cloak. "I'll be back soon enough."

"Yeah, maybe for dinner," Sirius mumbled.

James had learned quickly to ignore any comments from Sirius. He put his cloak on, and he went down to the common room, prepared to run off his toast from the morning.

James looked at his watch. It was already three-fifteen. He had wasted valuable time with Professor McGonagall. James had been strangely surprised when he heard that he was failing the class. True, as McGonagall said, he would be able to pull up the grade if he tried harder, but…for some reason, he could not bring himself to give a crap if he did fail. Even graduating did not seem to be such a big deal for him.

But if James were failing Transfiguration, he could not imagine how badly he must have been doing in his other classes. Transfiguration _was_ his best, and that was probably why McGonagall was worried.

James sighed, taking a deep breath before starting to run. It wasn't fair. Nobody was understanding. Professor McGonagall was angry with him. Sirius practically hated him. Sirius hated him. Sirius was mad at him.

James stopped, putting his hands on his knees. No. He had to keep going.

What the hell had he been thinking, eating breakfast? Did he really think he would be able to rid himself of his splurge by a bit of running and skipping lunch? That wasn't going to be nearly enough to satisfy him.

He just _had_ to eat. He hadn't been strong enough to resist temptation. "No," said James. "I'm doing this to make it less obvious." He wasn't weak. He could easily resist food. He had been doing it for weeks!

James stopped running after spotting Lily and her boyfriend walking down to the lake. Afraid of being seen, he ducked back behind a tree. He was close enough to hear them talking.

Lily sat down on the ground by the water next to him, laying her head on his shoulder. James shuddered. What a _beautiful _couple.

Lily had her hair curled in ringlets, much tighter than her normal waves, and she had decided against robes, dressed in light blue jeans and a t-shirt. James shivered just looking at her, pulling his cloak more tightly around himself. It was cold.

"Quidditch Wednesday?" she asked.

Gavin sighed. "I don't know," he said. "Potter has been canceling practice all the time. It's almost like he doesn't like it anymore."

Lily laughed slightly. "That's ridiculous. He is going through a tough time, isn't he?"

James smiled. He loved her. She could be so kind and understanding. She…. Understanding about what?? Lily couldn't—Lily didn't know anything that was going on. Did she?

No. James shook his head. She probably meant because of all the petty fights they had been having more frequently than usual.

"Lily, I haven't been able to notice anything different during our very _few _practices. Maybe…Sirius was wrong."

"It's possible."

Sirius? Sirius had been talking to them? What did they know? What had Sirius said?

…_Maybe Sirius was wrong. _Maybe Sirius should just mind his own business from time to time!

James was tempted to shout at them, to tell them that nothing was wrong, and they had no right to talk about him that way, but he couldn't. Lily would know he had been spying, and that would be it for him. He had somehow been comforted by the fact that Lily knew nothing about his problems; it had made him feel less humiliated. Now, she knew, and it was all his friend's fault.

Again, and this goes without saying, James didn't have a problem. But, if he did, it wasn't Lily's business.

James took a calming breath, knowing that if he got himself so worked up, he would probably end up with the nurse again.

"Potter?"

James jumped, wondering who had caught him.

"Spying, are we?"

James knew that voice. He turned to his right, seeing Severus Snape was beside him behind the tree.

"I'm not—I…"

James raised an eyebrow at Snape. He had no books with him, as he usually did if he ever went outside, and he seemed to have walked behind the tree under the assumption he'd be alone. It didn't look like he had planned to come torture James.

"What are _you _doing?" James asked suspiciously.

Snape cleared his throat, looking as though he hadn't thought James would think to question him about that. Finally, he said, "Well, I had to figure out what you were doing, of course," he said. "Everyone knows you're…" his voice dropped to a whisper, "fragile nowadays."

In James' right mind, he might have seen that Snape was just trying to enrage him, so James would forget to embarrass Snape, who had obviously been spying on Lily as well, but Snape clearly knew that something was going on with him, and that got rid of every bit of common sense James had.

"What do you mean 'fragile'?" James asked, hoping that maybe Snape didn't know. Perhaps, he was just bluffing.

Snape smirked. "Oh, everyone knows, Potter."

James blinked. Lily and Gavin knew. Snape knew. Snape couldn't have been lying. There was too much proof.

"Kno—knows what?" James asked. He knew he was fighting a losing battle. It was clear that Snape wasn't stupid. Intelligence was probably one of the only things he did have.

Snape chuckled. "Aww, has Potter been gaining weight?"

Unable to control himself, he glanced down at his stomach. _Snape was just provoking him. _

"No," he said.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "The first match of the season is coming up, and the stress of the game could be causing you to gain unintentionally."

"I don't have a problem gaining weight," said James, laughing slightly. He thought he pulled off a rather convincing look. "I'm not a woman, thank you."

Snape's amusement only seemed to increase. He walked even closer. "I'm aware of that, Potter," he said slowly.

What if Snape were right, though? What if his stress was causing him to gain weight? He could have sworn he had felt different when he got up.

But that was ridiculous. What an idiot! Stress couldn't make a person gain weight.

Snape, however, was rather intelligent, wasn't he? He would be the one to know those things…but he would also be the one to lie to James.

Better safe than sorry. Quidditch was done. He was through with it. A little game, however enjoyable he may have found it, wasn't worth ruining every bit of progress he had made.

However, he didn't tell Snape about his decision. "If you don't mind, I'd like to get back to what I was doing."

"Which was what, exactly?" asked Snape, speaking more loudly than he had intended.

Both Lily and Gavin turned in their direction. Lily sighed, getting up.

"Hello, boys," she said, sounding irritated. She shook her head when they didn't respond. "What's the problem?"

"You ought to be a teacher, Evans," said James, feeling strangely hostile toward her after he had seen her head on Gavin's shoulder. "You've got the whole, 'I'm pretending to care about both of you' act down nicely."

Lily looked as if she had no idea how to reply to that. "Well," she said simply. James wasn't sure if she was going to say anything else. "Gavin," she said, turning to her boyfriend. He still hadn't moved. "Gavin, we have to go in now. These two idiots have some sort of vendetta against me."

Neither boy protested, knowing Lily wouldn't listen to whatever the two of them said anyway.

Gavin stood up, never once thinking to question his girlfriend. "See you, Potter," he said. He nodded at Snape.

Gavin then took Lily's hand, which caused both Snape and James to glare (who knew the two had anything in common?), and Lily and Gavin walked back into the castle without another word.

"So, freezing, are you?" asked Snape, making fun of James' large cloak. It was obvious that he was intending to be as nasty as possible, as he was under the impression that it was James' fault his plan to watch Lily was foiled.

"Yes. Problem with that?"

"Oh, no. It's just sad," said Snape. "Can't handle a bit of cool weather."

"Shut-up," said James under his breath, so close to boiling point.

"Not so friendly," said Snape, rolling his eyes. "I think I see a bit of extra skin there, Potter. You had best go back to running it off."

Before James could react, Snape had walked away.

James shook his head. _When did everyone get so fast? _James felt as if he were living in a world where everything was being played in fast motion, and he couldn't keep up. Or, perhaps, it was the other way around? He had become too slow?

"I WASN'T RUNNING IT OFF!" he shouted, hoping Snape could hear him. He didn't care if he sounded stupid. "AND THERE IS EXTR SKIN…A LOT!" Snape didn't turn around. "I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT!"

"Damn," he said to himself after Snape had gotten inside.

He was planning on going straight back inside, but he couldn't after what Snape had said to him. Had he really put on weight since his stress came in?

James ran for a bit longer, deciding that if he had put on weight, he had to take every action possible to get rid of it, especially since his friends were onto him. Eating in the hospital wing was affecting his ability to rid all food from his body, so he would just have to try much harder to dispose of it. Apparently, he hadn't been trying hard enough. Snape was right. Snape was so right. All the stress was getting to him, wasn't it? Damn Quidditch. How had he ever let a game get the best of him?

Finally, James felt ready to go in. He was freezing, but he felt sweat dripping down his face.

He walked around groups of giggling girls, ignoring their obvious desire for him. He rolled his eyes, walking into the school, and eventually, reaching the Gryffindor common room. It seemed to take forever.

However, when something was not wanted, it always came faster. The same held true for James' walk up to his dormitory. He didn't want his friends to bother him.

James walked in, surprised to see that Sirius was alone in the room. He was on his bed, lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. When he heard the door open, he turned to James with a smile on his face. Sirius actually looked so happy to see him that James almost forgot his anger. Almost.

"Hey, mate," said James sitting himself down on the end of his friend's bed, forcing a smile.

"Hi," said Sirius, sitting up. "How was your walk?"

It had been so long since Sirius and James had been so nice to each other, and James was wondering if it was a good idea to bring up his ill feelings. He decided to take advantage of Sirius' good mood to talk about his Quidditch decision.

"Umm, Padfoot," said James slowly. "Well, you obviously know I have had a lot on my mind, lately."

Sirius nodded, and he looked very interested.

"Okay," said James, realizing this would be harder than he had originally thought. "McGonagall said I have to quit the team…at least…for now."

Sirius looked beyond shocked. James couldn't believe he was so cowardly. He could have just said it was stressing him out, at least, but no; he had to lie.

"Why?" asked Sirius incredulously. "Did you—is that what she wanted to talk about?"

James nodded guiltily. "I'm doing terribly in…Potions," James lied. He was too humiliated to admit that it was really Transfiguration. "Yeah, and she reckons the stress is just too much for me right now, what with being Captain, Head Boy, and all of that."

Sirius looked so sad for him, and James felt even worse. "You're taking this all rather well," he said. "Maybe—hey, maybe I could help you in Potions!" said Sirius. "I don't want you off the team."

"It's okay," said James, exhausted. "I doubt it would help."

James then got off his bed and walked to his own. He pulled his shoes and cloak off before collapsing against his pillow.

"Can I rest and shower before dinner?" asked James, turning onto his side to face Sirius. He didn't like asking permission for everything, but he was pretty sure that it was helping Sirius trust him, and if Sirius trusted him, everything would be a lot easier.

"Yes," said Sirius, smiling again. "Of course, James." James could tell he had made him happy with the "before dinner" comment because it proved that he was planning on going. This felt good. Sirius was in the palm of his hand. Perhaps, he wouldn't bring up his anger with him just yet.

"I saw Evans and Gavin down by the lake," said James, his nose crinkling slightly on the boy's name.

Sirius nodded. "No surprise there, huh?" he said. "Prongs, I'm telling you this as a friend: don't go out there just to watch her."

"I wasn't," said James. That was actually true. "I went out for a walk, but then she happened to show up."

Sirius shrugged. James wasn't sure if he believed him or not.

"Just don't get into anything with Gavin, okay He is very kind to you, considering how much you stalk his girlfriend." Sirius put up a hand as James opened his mouth to protest. "Don't ruin that. Now, go shower. You're all sweaty." He laughed.

James nodded, heading into the bathroom.

After James had fallen asleep, Sirius went down to find his friends at the library. To his relief, it didn't look like he was going to have to go all the way there because Remus was on the couch.

"Where's Wormtail?" asked Sirius, sitting down beside Remus.

"He said he'd meet us at dinner," said Remus, immersed in a book. "He was just finishing up, but I said I was going to come see if James came back."

" He did," said Sirius. "He was all sweaty and gross, so he showered, and now he's taking a nap…"

"Interesting," said Remus. "Vigorous walk," he muttered. "I do hope you didn't bite his head off."

Sirius shook his head. "I was good, and so was he. I said I would wake him up before dinner."

Remus nodded. "You know how he likes his sleep."

Sirius nodded. He certainly did.

After giving James a good amount of time for sleep, and after Peter had shown up, Sirius realized he had to wake his friend for dinner.

Sirius told the others to go on ahead, saying he would be there in just a bit. Before Sirius went upstairs, he heard Remus telling Peter that he and James were getting along nicely. He also heard Peter's scoff. He frowned. It wasn't _that _unbelievable that they would get along. They were, after all, best friends.

Best _friends. _

Sirius went up the stairs, always afraid of what he would see when he walked into his room. It seemed that James always made him worry so much more than anyone else, not that he would admit it to him.

Fortunately, when he entered the room, James was doing just as he promised he would be. Sleeping. Peacefully, too. That wasn't something that he had been doing lately.

Sirius had tried not to notice the many nights James had restlessly moved around, practically having fits in his sleep. On many occasions, James had woken up, crying, and Sirius had pretended to be asleep, not wanting to embarrass his friend.

This calming sleep was good for him.

Sirius sat down on the bed, careful not to disturb him, and he laid a hand on James' forehead, pushing his bangs away.

The decision of whether or not to wake him was proving to be difficult. On the one hand, James had to get up to eat. On the other hand, James had never slept so bea—_peace_fully in weeks.

And he had been being so good about eating. Maybe, it wasn't much, but Sirius had seen him at breakfast every morning, and no—not at lunch, but he would always eat a small dinner with them before going off for his walks, which he needed a lot of lately.

In fact, James was being _very _good.

'Okay', Sirius decided. 'He can sleep.'

Apparently, Sirius' hand had woken James, and he stirred slightly. His eyes were still closed.

"Sirius?" he said tiredly.

"You want to stay up here?" asked Sirius.

"Yeah. I'm not feeling so well," said James, sitting up a bit.

Sirius nodded. "Okay," he said sympathetically. James felt bad for lying again, realizing how damn _caring _Sirius sounded. "I'll bring something back for you in case you feel better."

"Thanks," said James, smiling, still half-asleep. "You'll need to take your hand with you."

Sirius was confused for a second, but then he pulled his hand away from James' forehead quickly, clearing his throat.

"Be back soon."

"Uh-huh."

_Piece of freaking cake. Oh, cake. That sounded so good…_

"And, by the way," said Sirius, "you're amazing, you know that?"

James had to open his eyes for that one, completely confused. "What?"

"The way you're dealing with this whole Quidditch thing. You should be proud of yourself," he said.

James could tell that, though Sirius was being truthful, he was mainly trying to make up for the distance between them.

"Thanks, mate," said James.

Sirius closed the door, and James groaned. For a minute, he _had _been proud, proud of how he had fooled his friend into letting him skip dinner. He was proud to be a conniving, manipulator.

James snorted. "Some gift."

Since he really was exhausted, James let himself go back to sleep, ignoring his self-deprecating thoughts.

Author's Note: Please review! Please! Anddddd, read _Just Passing Through_. Thanks. :)


	8. Before Step One

Author's Note: Well, not too much to say. Read and review!

"James?"

James groaned, pushing his friend away. "Don't want to," he mumbled into his pillow.

"Charms, James."

James only groaned again. "Fine," he said, irritated. "I'll be there in a bit."

"No," said Sirius, his tone stern. "You will come with us to breakfast first. Up."

James seriously did not wan to, but he thought, by going to breakfast with them, he would be able to discuss quidditch with McGonagall.

"Okay," he said, slowly getting out of his bed.

"I've got to go to talk to Lily," said Sirius, "but you guys make sure he is out of here in time for breakfast."

Remus mock-saluted his friend. "Yes, Sir," he said. It was clear that Remus was not keen on the idea of babysitting.

Sirius walked downstairs, seeing the girl he had needed sitting by the window with Frank, Alice, and Gavin. He made his way over to her, sitting himself down by Alice's chair. Lily jumped off the windowsill when Sirius arrived.

"Hey," she said. "You wanted to talk?"

"Yes," said Sirius. "I was hoping…alone?" He stared meaningfully at Gavin, who raised his hands in defense.

"I'll go," he said, kissing Lily good-bye. "See you at breakfast."

Frank and Alice got the hint as well or, rather, Alice got the hint, and she pulled Frank along with her.

"What's up?" she asked, now that they were alone.

"I was wondering if you could help keep an eye on James for me," he said.

Lily closed her eyes and slowly shook her head. "Don't do this to me. I _knew _you were going to dra—"

"Lily," said Sirius, placing his hands on her shoulders. "Lily, I am so worried about him."

Lily sighed, opening her eyes. "Look, I admire your friendship, but don't get me involved."

"But I figured," said Sirius, "since you're so caring and all, that you—"

"Don't DO that to me!" said Lily. Sirius could tell she was trying to keep her aggravation to a low level. "It's just not fair."

Sirius knew she was right, in a way. He had always been convincing her to do things for him by taking advantage of her need to constantly help people. He knew it was wrong, but it was for a good cause, wasn't it?

"Can you just tell me if you notice anything strange?" asked Sirius desperately.

Lily smiled. "That's a given, sweetie," she said. "I've even got Gavin on the case. However, don't put James in my—don't make me responsible for him. I won't follow him around both day and night."

"Mhmm," said Sirius. "I let him sleep through dinner last night."

Sirius wasn't honestly sure if that decision had been right or wrong. After all, James was supposed to be eating well, but sleeping was also good, especially for a boy like him, right?

"Just make sure he eats breakfast," said Lily, shrugging like it was no big deal. Perhaps it wasn't. Sirius had been very over-protective, and maybe, as Remus had requested, they all could show James they had faith in him. Maybe they could trust him? He had been sweet as hell the night before, asking Sirius' permission for everything, wanting to shower and rest before dinner, and…

Sirius' heart fell into his stomach. James had manipulated him once again. What a bloody surprise. He would just have to calmly talk with him about it.

"I'm going to go now, all right?" she said. Sirius had almost forgotten she was there.

He nodded somberly, feeling stupid.

"Hey," said Lily, noticing his helpless look. "It will be fine, and if you need me, I will help. I'm just tired of people having that assumption that—"

"—you automatically will," Sirius finished for her. "I understand."

Sirius knew exactly what she meant. He, too, was tired of being taken advantage of.

Lily smiled. "Relax," she said, leaning up to kiss his cheek.

Sirius only had to wait for a few more minutes, after Lily left, for his friends to come down the stairs, dressed and ready to go.

"Hi," said Peter cheerfully.

"Hey," said Sirius, trying to smile convincingly.

Sirius tried not to focus on James' walking patterns on their way to the Great Hall, but it was extremely difficult for him not to. He was so exact, whispering so quietly to himself that only Sirius, who was practically connected to him, could heard his counting.

It honestly drove Sirius insane, the way he counted and made sure that the same amount of steps were taken in each square, how many steps he took in all, and made sure he was always behind the others and next to Sirius.

"So, we need to discuss something," said Sirius.

James did not look fearful, as Sirius had expected. In fact, it seemed as if he had been waiting for it.

"Yes. We must talk about what you told Lily," said James.

"What…do you mean?" asked Sirius.

Remus opened the doors to the Great Hall, glancing back at James and Sirius behind him. "Guys, we're here. No fighting."

There was no mistaking the plea in Remus' voice. He sounded ready to get down on his knees and beg.

James stopped counting when he entered the hall. James and Sirius stopped talking during the walk to their seats at the Gryffindor table, but Sirius began again as soon as they had sat down.

"_I _wanted to talk to you about last night. I really don't know what the hell I told Lily," he said, helping himself to a plate, a biscuit, and a muffin.

"What about last night?" asked James, afraid that he had done something and blocked it out. It had been known to happen.

"James," said Remus loudly, interrupting the soon-to-be argument, "have some oatmeal," he said, not bothering to ask if he wanted it. "Good for you."

James took the bowl from his hands and put it down in front of him. "Well?" he asked, looking expectantly at Sirius.

"James," said Sirius, putting his biscuit down. "You tricked me into letting you skip dinner."

"What?" James asked incredulously.

"I was asleep; you did not wake me up. How did I 'trick' you?"

Remus gave Sirius a significant, 'he's right, and you're ridiculous' look, which Sirius ignored.

Sirius did, however, clear his throat, slightly embarrassed.

"You were all…nice and cooperative, so you knew I would let you sleep."

"My evil plan," said James, grinning, knowing he had won.

Sirius sighed and shook his head, feeling his appetite suddenly decreasing.

"Well, what did I do wrong?"

James' grin faded away, and he resorted to staring down into the bowl of oatmeal Remus had given him. "You told Lily I had something wrong with me," he said pathetically. "There's nothing wrong with me."

Sirius did not miss the way that tone in his voice that showed how betrayed he felt.

"Sirius," said Remus warningly. He had never wanted Sirius to get involved in the first place.

Sirius ignored him again. "Eat your breakfast, James," said Sirius, going back to his own food.

James crossed his arms, finally looking up at him. "Don't even dare. 'Eat your breakfast, James.' Prat."

James went into a sudden rage, throwing the bowl of oatmeal to the ground, somewhat glad for the anger that gave him an excuse to walk away from Sirius without eating. He didn't clean it up.

"Jackass," he said, deciding to throw another insult in his friend's direction before turning to Remus kindly. "I'm going to go talk to McGonagall about my quidditch situation. See you in class." He waved.

James got up from his bench and walked up to Professor McGonagall at the staff table. Remus shot Sirius an annoyed look, but Peter looked confused. "What situation?" he asked.

Sirius didn't look at Peter while he answered. He stared at James' back as he walked to the front of the hall. "He's been kicked off the team," he said softly, stabbing his muffin repeatedly with a fork.

Remus reached out an open hand, expecting him to drop the fork into it. Like an extremely obedient two-year-old, Sirius gave it to him without a word of protest.

"Why?" asked Remus.

Sirius sighed. "The talk with McGonagall he had after class yesterday," said Sirius. "I feel so sorry for him, at I'm still so angry."

Peter looked from one friend to the other. "Remus, remember when we had to count the days James and Lily could go without a fight?"

"Yeah," said Remus. "Looks like we'll have to do the same for these two idiots now."

"Exactly," said Peter.

"Would you stop?" Sirius asked, not bothering to hide his frustration.

"You know he is failing, right?" asked Remus, lowering his voice. "I want to help him, but I don't want to let him know I know."

"I'm well-past caring about what he wants over what he needs," said Sirius.

"We know," said Remus and Peter simultaneously

"Hi," said James awkwardly, fiddling with his hands. McGonagall looked at him with a small amount of concern.

"Hello, Mr. Potter," she said, raising an eyebrow.

James did not know exactly how to tell her what was on his mind. Giving up quidditch—willingly—had possibly been a rash decision, so sudden that he hadn't thought it over at all. What if it was a bad idea? Maybe he needed it. What if…

No. Stress was bad for him. Therefore, quidditch was bad. 'But I would be letting my team down,' he thought to himself.

'But…if they only want me for quidditch, what good _are _they?'

No arguing. He knew what he had to do.

"Professor, I'd like to resign from my position o—on the quidditch team," he said. He was fairly proud of himself. He had said it with barely any hesitation at all.

For a good twenty seconds, the Transfiguration teacher merely stared at him with her mouth hung open wide in shock. Finally, she recovered.

"Well, this is certainly…I did not expect…"

James saved her from rambling. "I need to do this, Professor," he said. "It's the only way I'm going to be able to concentrate better on my studies. I'm very stressed."

"This is certainly a sacrifice for you. It's going to mean a lot of sadness for your team," she said with a frown, "but I still think it's very mature."

"Thanks," said James, looking away from her.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to think it over for a while longer?"

"No," said James. If he thought it over, he would only become depressed. "I want to quit."

"All right," she said. "Madam Hooch and I will have a talk."

James nodded. "And, would it be possible for you not to tell people I quit? Maybe you can say—"

"I will not lie for you, Potter," she interrupted. "If someone directly asks me what happened, I will tell that person the truth. Otherwise, I won't—shall we say—spread it."

"I'll tell the team," said James. Therefore, only he and McGonagall would know the truth.

"Conveniently enough, James' talk with McGonagall prevented him from eating," Sirius explained to Lily on the way to dinner.

"Sirius," said Lily, placing a hand on his shoulder. "You are too stressed."

"Don't change the subject," said Sirius irritably, pushing her hand off.

Lily stopped mid-conversation to pull her long hair up into a ponytail. Sirius waited impatiently for her to finish, and then he started speaking again. Lily liked complete silence whenever she had to fix her hair.

Then, they started walking again. "He told me he was getting help in Potions during lunch, so he didn't eat then either," said Sirius.

"He wasn't lying," she said. "Frank was talking about meeting him."

"He could have taken food with him!" said Sirius, pushing open the doors to the Great Hall. "I'm so damn sick of this place," he muttered."

Lily tried not to laugh at his anger with the Great Hall. "Ah, and you wouldn't have been saying things like, 'he's probably not eating it' all day? You would have been satisfied?"

At first, Sirius did not answer. Was Lily at all concerned about his friend? "Lily, he is not eating."

"And you are not breathing," she said, laughing slightly. "What I'm trying to say is…you killing yourself over this…it's just going to destroy two people."

"Wise," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"I'm sure he will come to you. Just—"

"Lily! Hey!"

Lily held up a finger, letting her boyfriend know she would join him in a moment's time.

"As I was saying, just give him time."

Sirius nodded, unsure about whether or not he was going to listen to her advice.

"And if he says anything suspicious during our patrols tonight, I'll let you know," she said teasingly.

"Bye," he said, letting her run off to her boyfriend.

Lily was able to somewhat calm him down, but it didn't change the fact that she knew absolutely nothing about eating disorders. Taking a deep breath, he made his way—slowly as possible—to the Gryffindor table to sit by his friends.

The three of them were oddly quiet. Remus was immersed in a Herbology book, Peter was eating and barely looking up, and James was…eating. True, he was taking his sweet time, looked like he would rather have been anywhere else in the world than at the dinner table, and cutting his pieces into grain-like sizes, but it didn't matter. All that mattered to Sirius was…he was eating.

Sirius smiled widely at him when he saw this. James, however, glared and looked down at his chicken.

"He still mad?" he whispered to Peter.

"Yes, and I'm not deaf, thanks," said James.

"Well…yes, he's mad," Peter went on as if James hadn't said anything, "but he's also not here by choice."

"We can be forceful when we _need _to be," said Remus, making sure Sirius didn't fail to realize what he meant by the word 'need.'

Sirius could have sworn he heard James mumble something along the lines of, "not my parents…" but he let it slide. He was simply too happy with James' eating.

"I'm done," said James, dropping his fork and knife onto the plate loudly.

Remus flinched. He looked over the top of his book skeptically. He bit his lip while examining the contents of the plate carefully. He nodded.

"You're fine."

"Thank you," said James sarcastically, getting up from the table.

"James," said Peter slowly, "you know you can just hang out with us. We won't have to eat anymore."

"And why," said James, running his hand through his hair, "would I want to spend any unnecessary time with you guys?"

"Maybe because we're your friends," said Peter, sounding hurt.

"Oh, really?" said James. "I thought friends—especially the marauders—were supposed to trust each other."

"Don't be melodramatic," said Remus, rolling his eyes.

"I don't think I am being that way, Moony. See, I was all but chained to my chair while you stared and told me how much I had to eat. I mean, my _God_. When I say I'm fine, I mean that!"

"I don't have a fucking eating disorder. All right? If I did, I would tell you. I mean, where the hell is your proof?"

"Stop cursing," said Remus.

James shook his head. "I am going back to our dormitory. Have fun talking about me."

"James…"

"If I were sick, I'd tell you!" said James, practically shouting. Many other students had turned in their direction curiously. "But I'm not. And I really hate that you don't trust me."

Sirius kept telling himself that James was putting on a show. His eyes were glistening with tears, and he was being—as Remus had said—melodramatic. Sirius would not fall for any of his manipulation techniques any longer. James needed help, of course, but he didn't need Sirius to completely give in and, say, let him sleep because he looked so…innocent.

Yeah, people always look innocent sleeping.

"See you later," said James, walking out.

"It's very difficult for me not to run out to comfort him now…" said Remus, watching James leave the hall.

Sirius had been thinking along the same lines. "He needs to learn that this isn't the way to go about things," he said. "We can't give into this. If we do, he'll slowly get to the point where he wants to be."

"Which is?"

"Controlling us."

"Damn," said Remus, forgetting everything he had ever had against cursing. "I really do feel like we're parenting him."

"We kind of are," said Peter regretfully. "We don't even know for sure if he has an eating disorder."

That statement was so true, but so forgotten, that it caught Sirius and Remus off guard.

"I mean, he made some excuses, skipped some meals, and has been acting weirdly. Madam Pomfrey asked how his diet was and if he'd been eating well. Now, all of a sudden, we're positive he's got anorexia or something? He did just swear he doesn't have it. James doesn't lie a lot."

"But lately…" said Sirius.

"Yeah," said Peter.

Remus closed his book and looked down at his own untouched food. "We're all going to be losing weight," said Remus. "It seems every meal one of us gets so fed up with him we lose an appetite."

Sirius laughed. "True."

Remus attempted some applesauce, but he decided it wasn't worth it. "I'm going to go to the bathroom and then head upstairs to get some more reading done. It's difficult with all this noise."

"Okay," said Sirius, sighing.

For one measly second, he had been happy with James, but now he just felt awful. Unless Peter was right (which Sirius doubted), James was lying to their faces about his problems, and Sirius could not understand why. Didn't James want to get better?

Remus walked into the second floor bathroom wearily, making sure his book was safely secured in his bag. He winced as he realized a boy in one of the stalls was vomiting, something no one enjoys listening to.

The boy was obviously unaware of the fact or simply unconcerned that someone had come into the bathroom because Remus heard him talking to himself in between…well 'letting it all out.' As soon as Remus heard the voice, he knew who it was. He closed his eyes.

"James," Remus whispered to himself, but the boy in the stall didn't hear him, too preoccupied with vomiting, crying, and talking to himself.

Remus listened closely to what James was saying, and he even locked the door so that no one else would come in and possibly make James stop.

"I'm sorry," said James.

Remus raised an eyebrow, waiting for more.

"I'm sorry," said James, choking on his tears. "…no…screw-up."

There was more vomiting after this, and Remus bit his lip, not so sure why he didn't run from the bathroom immediately.

"Didn't want—you know I didn't…miss…"

What was James talking about?

He uttered only three more words, much stronger and clearer than everything else he had said. "Forgive me, please."

This was followed, unfortunately, by more vomiting, and Remus knew he had to leave quietly before James opened the door to see him standing there, listening.

Remus had only one thought on his mind as he made his way back the Gryffindor common room.

There was no mistaking it. He had an eating disorder.

"Well, great," said Remus sarcastically. "The first step is admitting you have a problem…what are we at? Pre-step one? Your _friends _admitting you have a problem?"

He rolled his eyes at his own comment. James had said it right to their face that they had nothing to worry about, that he was fine, that he wasn't sick, and that they needed to trust him. It wasn't as if any of them had believed it, but it still hurt to know he would do that to them. Besides, if he could and would lie that way, then who the hell was he anymore?

Author's Note: Please please please review! I really hope you enjoyed this one because…yeah, well, I'm never too sure.


	9. Some Truth

**Author's Note: Here it is, my loves. Ugh. I'm so embarrassed. I don't know what it is about it…but I truthfully hate this chapter. It doesn't matter what I did to change it…it was just awful. I really despise it. Maybe it's just me being my toughest critic; maybe it's actually not as bad as I've made it out to be. I'm okay with the beginning and the end…there's just something in the middle…and okay, whatever. I'm sure it's not that bad lol. Just ignore this author's note entirely, and please review. You can tell I need it badly today. **

Remus attempted to process what he had heard in the bathroom. There was no way he could avoid the truth anymore, but admitting that James was in so over his head was hard for him. James was always on top of everything, wasn't he? If James didn't know what to do, _Remus _wouldn't.

"Thinking about myself again," said Remus.

Remus had a habit of doing just that. When someone else was in trouble, he only thought about the impact it would have on himself, and he was trying to work on that.

He wondered if telling the others was a good idea. Maybe telling a teacher or Madame Pomfrey? But…his friend would never forgive him if he did, and Sirius and James were already fighting. If he got involved in the fight as well, it was likely, with James' sudden sensitivity to any help, that the marauders would lose James' friendship completely. They would have absolutely no contact with him, and they would not be able to help him.

Remus decided that he would only tell someone higher in power if the matter became unmanageable.

Still, no matter how hard he tried, he could not block out the sounds of James forcing himself to throw up. He couldn't stop hearing those words…what had he been talking about? He had said 'no' many times. Remus also heard him say he was a screw-up. Well, that was something James said many times; it wasn't exactly _new_, though hearing it again wasn't exactly easy.

He said more words that didn't really make any sense together, and then Remus distinctly heard "Forgive me, please."

For doing this to himself? Probably. Maybe he wanted Sirius to forgive him. It would make sense. He'd been complaining about Sirius since before the school year even began.

"_He just doesn't understand me, Remus. God. Sometimes, I really hate him."_

_"You don't hate him," said Remus, sighing._

And Sirius wasn't much better. He was constantly criticizing every little thing James did.

Remus finally made it to the common room. He sat down on the couch, too exhausted to try to make it up the stairs.

It wasn't fair. Why couldn't everything be absolutely perfect for like…a day?

The full moon was coming soon enough. Remus did not have the time or the energy to help James with his own issues.

"Hey, Remus." Remus recognized the voice as Lily's, and he turned around with a weary smile.

"Hey, Lily."

Lily sat herself down next to him. "Do you know where Sirius is?" she asked.

"I left early from dinner. He's either still there or upstairs. I kind of got held up on my way here."

"Oh," said Lily, sighing. "Gabriella and I aren't speaking."

Remus tried not to roll his eyes. "What else is new?"

Lily did not take this offensively. "Everything I do bothers her, right? She says I'm using Gavin for his money. Please, like I would do that."

"Mhmm," murmured Remus, distracted. He was not in the mood to deal with any more drama.

_"Sirius, you hardly eat anything when you're home," said James._

_"Not my fault," said Sirius, looking uncomfortable._

_James and Remus knew that Sirius' parents practically starved him._

_James frowned. "Here, have the rest," said James, handing him the dinner his mother had given him. "I'm not that hungry anyway, and my mum will kill me if it doesn't get eaten."_

Had it been happening during the summer as well? There had been so many signs, but they had all just ignored them.

"Remus?"

"Huh?"

"I asked how your mum's been doing," said Lily. "Is she still with that guy…Fred?"

"Frank," said Remus. "Yeah, she's still with him…unfortunately."

Lily laughed. "Come on; he's not that bad."

"Sure," said Remus, laughing with her.

Before either one of them could say another word, James came running into the common room, out of breath.

"Help," he said.

Lily and Remus exchanged looks. "What happened?"

"Tell them I'm out playing quidditch or something," said James, running up the stairs to his dormitory.

"Who?" Remus shouted, but James had already shut the door.

After James had gone up, two girls rushed into the common room. One was Ellen, a fifth year that had been following James around since her very first, and the other was Jenna, her twin that had no interest in James; she just followed Ellen everywhere.

"Where's James?" said Ellen. Jenna took a moment to catch her breath.

"I—"

"Flying," said Lily, smirking. "He's outside flying."

"But we just…we just saw him," said Jenna, confused.

Lily shrugged. "That's where he is."

"Oh, okay," said Jenna. "He must have turned right after we stopped to pick up your shoe."

"Pick up your shoe?" Remus asked, confused. "Where was it?"

"Well, I threw it at him," said Ellen, looking at Remus impatiently, as if he ought to have known.

"I hoped that, considering how far away he was, it would have hit him so hard he'd have knocked out. Then, he would have stopped running."

Lily put her head in her hands, unable to control her laugher. "Wow," she said.

"He's such a bad runner, anyway," said Jenna. "He just…stops every two seconds. For such a strong guy, he can seem pretty weak."

"Yeah," said Remus. James had weakened his body tremendously.

"So, we're going to go find him," said Ellen.

"Bye," said Jenna.

Remus, unlike Lily, had enough self-control to hold in his amusement until the girls left.

"Oh, my goodness," said Lily. "What is _wrong _with them?"

Remus shrugged. "Who throws a shoe to knock someone out?"

"Didn't I tell you?" asked Lily, pretending to look hurt. "That's how I got Gavin!"

Remus and Lily laughed even harder. "They're unbelievable," said Remus.

"Psst!"

Remus laughed. "Come on down, James."

"Thank God," said James, getting down from the staircase. "I thought they'd never leave.

James sat down on the end of the couch, next to Remus, carefully avoiding Lily.

It was quite an uncomfortable ordeal. After what Remus had heard, he did not want to say anything to James—even looking at him was difficult. Lily and James were not on such good terms, so the two of them almost never talked, and Remus did not want to strike up a conversation with Lily because he was sure she would be bothered by James listening to any 'private' conversation between the two of them.

They sat in an awkward silence for seven minutes, by Remus' watch, before one of them was brave enough to say something.

"We have to patrol tonight," said Lily, looking anywhere but at James.

"I know. What, did you think I'd skip out on you?"

Lily flinched at his harsh tone. "No," she said softly. "Just reminding you."

"Whatever," said James.

Remus felt even worse in between them now that they had spoken. He would have preferred the silence. Cautiously, he glanced at James, watching his hands twisting in his lap. It seemed he could not keep still.

For some reason, it bothered Remus. He wanted to force him to just sit still and talk with him, the way he used to…or at least _bother _Lily. Snapping at Lily was not the way to bother her. James was supposed to beg her to dump Gavin, tell him what a good choice _he _would make as a boyfriend, try to kiss her, kick her chair in Potions…_something._

He had become the most defensive person Remus had ever spoken with, and it seemed that everything one said to him would be taken as an accusation of some sort.

"Why didn't Gavin come back with you?" asked Remus.

"Oh," said Lily. "Well, after Gabby and I got in the fight, I kind of just left dinner, and he—well, you know how he is—decided to talk to her about it."

"Oh, boy," said Remus.

"He probably won't be back for quite some time," said Lily.

"Really don't want to be here when Sirius returns," said James, "so I'm going upstairs."

"James—"

"Continue your little talk about Gavin. Oh, and if you see him, Evans, please let him know I've been kicked off the team."

Without another word, James went back up the stairs, which was probably a good idea, considering the twins would soon figure out he was not outside.

"He's off the team?" said Lily.

"Yep," said Remus, having already forgotten about that.

"He's…he's very hostile and defensive," said Lily.

"Really? Haven't noticed."

Lily sighed. "Well, apparently, so are you."

Lily got up to leave, but Remus grabbed her wrist. "Wait," said Remus, "I need your advice."

"I'm listening," said Lily, sitting back down on the couch.

The students that had been at dinner were started to file in, and Remus wanted to get as much as he could out before Sirius and Peter came.

Remus decided not to mention what he had heard going on in the bathroom. "I just…I know nothing about—okay, I'm not…"

"Remus," said Lily, "take a minute to get your words together."

Remus sighed, leaning closer so that he wouldn't be heard. "Do you know anything about eating disorders?"

"Oh, no," said Lily. "Do you guys seriously think he has one? I mean, have you just asked him about it."

Remus laughed humorlessly. "Oh, yes. We've asked him."

"And he's said no," said Lily. "So…why don't—"

"I have my reasons for believing it's true," said Remus. "I don't want to spread it, so just trust me. Anyway, so do you?"

"Well," said Lily, "enough to write a report, but not enough to save a life."

"Can you come to the library with me tomorrow?"

"Oh…come on, Remus."

"Please?"

"I doubt… Why don't you just ask Madame Pomfrey about it, if you're so worried?"

"I can't!" said Remus. "She'll know why I'm asking."

Lily sighed. "If you were truly James' friend, it wouldn't matter to you that other people were getting involved."

"You told Sirius to back off and do what he wants! Now, you're telling me to—"

"No," said Lily, rubbing her temples. "Have you actually seen something suspicious?"

"No," said Remus immediately. "I mean, not really. I…"

Remus had no idea what to do. Lying to Lily was so difficult, especially when he knew she was seeing right through him. As hard as it was to lie, though, it was even harder to tell the truth. Admitting to Lily that he had heard James making himself sick was enough to make Remus, himself, sick.

Besides, Remus knew that James already felt betrayed by Sirius' talk with Lily. If Remus said anymore about it, he knew James would kill them.

"No," said Remus.

Oddly enough, Lily looked sort of disappointed. Perhaps she had seen he was lying, and she was disappointed that he hadn't told her the truth. However, maybe she was just saddened by the fact that James wasn't sick.

That was ridiculous. Lily wasn't crazy about James, but she didn't hate anyone _that _much.

As forcefully as a stampede of animals, Sirius, Peter, Gabriella, Alice, Frank, and Gavin came into the room. They were all talking over each other, arguing about something, and when they got to Lily and Remus, all was silent.

"I need to talk to you," said Gavin.

Remus could tell by the sound of his voice that he was angry about something.

Gabriella moved her way out of the crowd. "I'm going upstairs," she said, giving Lily an apologetic look.

"Uh, no, you're not," said Lily. She had no idea what was going on, but it was obvious that Gabriella was behind it.

"Yes, I am," said Gabriella, glancing worriedly at Gavin before going upstairs.

"Gabriella told me something very interesting," said Gavin. On the outside he was angry, but his blue eyes were shining with pain.

"O—oh?"

Lily was no longer oblivious. She had a very good feeling of what her boyfriend was talking about.

"Lily?" Remus said, confused.

"We shouldn't talk about this here," said Lily.

"Oh, we will talk about this here," said Alice, joining the conversation.

"Do you have any idea what's going on, Lily?" Remus asked, looking intimidated by the crowd that had formed around them.

Lily ignored him. "It was a little mistake, baby."

Frank suddenly looked uncomfortable. "I'm going upstairs too," he said.

Lily smiled sadly at his back; she knew he didn't want to be one to question her.

"I'll go with you," said Peter. He knew he had no reason to stay.

Lily was left with Gavin, Alice, and Sirius to deal with.

"A mistake," said Gavin. "I can understand that, but you hid it from me for…Merlin, how long?"

Lily cleared her throat, looking down, not wanting to see any of their faces any longer. "I don't know…"

"When did this happen, Lily?" asked Sirius.

Lily could not bring herself to look at him. Sirius had always been so accepting of everything she had done, and whenever she had done something wrong, which was only once in a blue moon, he always said, 'I've done far worse. I forgive you.'

This, however, was different. She had kept this a secret for so long, and she knew he wasn't just angry with her; he'd be angry with James as well.

"May," she said softly.

"May?!" said Alice. "It's…it's almost Halloween, Lily."

"Gavin," said Lily, her eyes filled with tears, "can we please talk about this outside?"

"It's not like it matters," he said. "Gabriella yelled it out to practically everyone at dinner."

Lily took a deep breath. "I said I was sorry."

"You're sorry because I found out. You were _never _going to tell me, were you?"

"I was!" exclaimed Lily. Her face was red, knowing that Gabriella, her 'best friend' had told her secret to the entire Great Hall. Well, everyone that was there, anyway.

"Really? When?" asked Gavin skeptically.

"When were you going to tell _me?" _asked Sirius.

"Or me?" said Alice.

"The time…"

"…wasn't right," they all said.

"Heard that before," said Alice. She had finally had enough, and without another word, she stormed up the stairs to her room.

"You need to go take this up with James," said Lily, pointing to Sirius. "You're only mad at me because _he _didn't tell you."

"Oh, yeah," said Sirius, rolling his eyes. "You don't get me at all, do you?"

"Don't be histrionic," said Lily.

"Whatever," said Sirius. He, too, went upstairs.

Remus didn't like this. It seemed like he was going to have to do a lot of cleaning up, and he didn't even know what happened yet.

Lily still wanted to go outside to discuss what certainly needed to be talked out, but Gavin wouldn't go. People were staring, and Lily didn't like it.

"I've supported everything you've ever wanted to do, haven't I?" asked Gavin.

"Yes," said Lily, rubbing her eyes.

"I'm aware of all those boys who want to be with you, and I have never once been a crazy jealous boyfriend over it, dictating who you can and cannot spend time with. I've always allowed you to spend time with other people without me, haven't I?"

"Yes," said Lily.

"Have I ever been possessive?" he asked.

"No."

"And I supported your decision—even admired you for it—to wait until marriage to have sex. Didn't I?"

"I didn't need to hear that," muttered Remus. He still didn't go upstairs, knowing that he'd rather listen to their argument than listen to James and Sirius fight upstairs.

"Yes, you did," said Lily.

Neither one of them seemed to hear Remus' comment.

"How could you do this to me? What did I ever do to deserve this?"

"I can't explain myself. I made a huge mistake. I hid it _because _I knew it was a dumb decision. I would never ever do it again," said Lily, standing up from the couch.

Gavin backed away. Lily could hardly tell anymore what he was feeling. Clearly, it wasn't happiness.

His final word was so soft that it was almost a whisper. Lily and Remus might have been the only ones to have heard it, but that only seemed to make it worse.

**"Slut."**

Then, he was done. Lily watched him walk out of the common room, going only God knew where, and Lily reluctantly turned around to face Remus.

"Lily…" he said softly.

"Well, if you haven't gathered this yet…I slept with James."

Author's Note: Eh, reading it over, I really didn't hate it that much. Lol. I don't know…I'm not the biggest fan of my own work. Anyway, please review, and do me a favor? Read Just Passing Through because the next chapter will be out very soon, and that story is oh-so much fun to write, and it does (even if it doesn't seem like it so early in the story) help you with this one. Buh-bye now.


	10. After All This Time

Author's Note: Okay, I pretty much got this in my reviews: **That's what James' problem is about, isn't it? He and Lily had sex. **Well, you haven't solved the mystery quite yet. Yes, it is certainly a contributor, but it is not everything. James is having one hell of a bad life right now. Don't kill Lily. Okay? She'll have her say later on. Enjoy and please review!

Remus waited a long time before he even attempted to voice his confusion. "You—" But he still couldn't get it out right.

"Yes, spread it to the world," said Lily. "One stupid mistake, and I'm forever known as some slut."

Before Remus could reply, Lily stomped up the stairs.

Remus was left standing, stunned, in the common room.

Lily had slept with James? It was unbelievable. He could not fathom what would have possessed Lily to cheat on the love of her life with—with a sworn enemy.

Remus knew that staying where he was, just thinking, was not going to get him anywhere. He walked up the same staircase everyone else had, in less of a hurry than the others, and he cautiously opened the door to his room.

"Oh, why did I bother?" he asked himself, knowing he would be ignored by James and Sirius.

"Oh, you're here," said Frank. "Does that mean all is calm downstairs?"

"Uh…yeah," said Remus.

Frank quickly took off.

"We only came up here not to get involved with Lily and the others," said Peter. He looked up from his Potions textbook to watch James and Sirius with a frightened look on his face. "But maybe we made the wrong choice."

Remus sighed, taking a seat on his bed. It was amazing how he and Peter had gotten so used to their fights that they were able to sit on separate beds, cheat, and do homework while the fight was going on in the background.

This time, however, Remus tuned in.

"I didn't think you would care!" James shouted.

"Is he serious?" Remus asked Peter.

Peter groaned. "Lately, Moony, he is _always _serious."

For Peter, that was the hardest thing to adjust to. He, like Sirius, missed James' care-free, happy, everything's- a- joke way of life."

"Why wouldn't I care? Two of my best friends having sex, and you—"

"It was one time," said James desperately.

Sirius smashed his fist into the wall, frustrated. "Who the bloody hell cares how many times it happened? That is something you tell your friend."

James scoffed, crossing his arms. "Like you would have approved."

"I wouldn't have approved; you're right," said Sirius. "But you don't just hide it!"

"What about Lily? She didn't tell you, and you're not yelling at her," said James.

"Don't change the subject," said Sirius, annoyed. "What did you do? Get her drunk? Threaten her?"

"What!" James exclaimed, looking extremely hurt. "I would never do that!"

"Then, tell me how this event ended up occurring."

"I don't know," said James honestly, collapsing lazily onto his bed. "_She _started it."

"Are you six?" Sirius asked, pacing the room furiously. "You should have told her no—you know you're not really…allowed to…well… but more importantly, why would Lily come to you for sex?" (1)

James was looking smaller and smaller by the minute. "I told you that I don't know! Why do you think I never said anything about all this?"

Remus sympathized with James. He knew how hard it had to be for James to get Lily to come to him, probably being so much nicer than normal, doing something unmentionable with him, and then hurting him by leaving him afterwards and avoiding him _and _never mentioning it again.

It was as if a piece of chocolate had been dangling over James' head for six years, and when he was finally tall enough to grab it, it disappeared in the palm of his hand. It must have crushed him.

Remus decided to jump in, even though he was pretty sure his opinion wouldn't matter.

"Sirius," he said.

Sirius turned to him, glaring. "What?"

"Sirius," said Remus, trying to keep from further angering his friend, "I can understand that you're angry with James for not telling you, but James knows he was wrong. Don't you?"

"Yes," said James mechanically, but he did not apologize.

"There's no use crying over spilled milk," Peter added.

"Exactly," said Remus.

"He shouldn't have even done it!" said Sirius. As Remus had expected, Sirius did not take his opinion to heart.

"But, why do you care?" asked James.

"Because Lily has a boyfriend."

James rolled his eyes. "Please! Like you give a damn about him!"

"Maybe not, but I care about _you," _said Sirius. "And your life is going to be hell when Gavin decides to get revenge or something."

Remus did not believe that was the full truth, but he kept his mouth firmly shut.

"Please," said James again. Apparently, he did not believe Sirius, either.

James swung his legs over the side of his bed, standing up again. He grabbed one of the posts on his bed to steady himself, hoping no one had seen his almost fall. Sirius was too pre-occupied with their argument to notice.

"James," said Remus, making sure he was okay.

James waved his hand to say he was fine. He walked closer to Sirius.

"What?" asked Sirius. They were now close enough to bump noses.

"Call me crazy…" said James, "but I think you're jealous."

"Oh, sweet Merlin," said Remus, putting his head in his hands. "Tell me he did not just say that."

"Tell me when it's over," said Peter, hiding behind his textbook.

"How long has it been since a discussion about…well, you know?"

"Not since second or, maybe once in third year," said Peter.

Sirius adopted James' new line. "Please."

"I can see it in your eyes," said James, stepping way over the boundary lines of two male friends, mostly to torture Sirius. He smirked. "I can't believe I didn't think about this."

"You are so arrogant," said Sirius, stepping backward.

James looked down after that comment, losing some of his power. He quickly raised his head. "But you are still jealous!"

Sirius, previously determined to continue the fight at all costs, was now backing out of it because James had suddenly caught the upper hand.

"So, I get it," said James. "You're mad because you wish it could have been you."

"Stop," Remus demanded.

A few more words between them, and Remus felt it was possible their friendship—rocky as it had become—would be over.

James ignored Remus, laughing cynically. "You're still not over me, huh?"

Sirius did not find this conversation amusing. "Like I said before, you're so self-obsessed. I—"

"We end this now," said Remus. He spoke more strongly than he had before, but it wouldn't have mattered because Sirius was now willing to give up; James wasn't.

"No, we do not," said James. "He gets to push me around, and I just—"

Remus gave James a meaningful look, begging him to stop before he went too far, and he seriously hoped that only minimal damage had been done.

James sighed.

"Good," said Remus. "Go to bed."

For a moment, James looked as if there were absolutely nothing wrong with that command, but then he shook his head. "Maybe I don't want to go to bed."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Fine. Don't."

Remus was slowing running out of patience for that boy.

"You can't tell me what to do," said James crossly, but he climbed into his bed. "Besides, I have to patrol with Evans later."

Peter looked astonished. "You're still going to go? After all _that?"_

Remus had to agree with his sentiments.

"It might not be the best idea," said Remus slowly.

"Backing out on Evans' orders is a bad idea," said James. "Besides, she already asked me before if I was going to cancel for sleep or something."

"She'll understand," said Peter.

"I'm going. Just let me rest for a while."

"_He's so weird," _Peter mouthed in Remus' direction.

Remus shook his head, not willing to take a chance that James would see anything.

The room was peacefully silent, so Remus opened his book, and he took advantage of this pleasant reading time. Peter did the same with his Potions textbook.

Sirius was lying on his stomach, regretting his choice six years ago of choosing a bed right near James', and he was avoiding James' eyes completely.

"I can't believe, after all this time, you are _still _in love with me," said James after a good long while. "It's kind of…pathetic."

James wanted his head cut off. It was very obvious. Maybe he thought that if Sirius would just kill him and get it over with, all of his eating disorder pain would leave him, so it would be worth it. Whatever the reason was, James must have had a death wish to have brought that topic back up…and so harshly.

Sirius did not get up, yell, scream, hit him, or something along those lines. He stayed exactly where he was, but turned his head to face James.

"Look who's talking. I forget the name of the third child you're going to have with Lily… What was it again?"

James took the hint.

………………………………………………………………………………….

"Are you going to just sit there?"

Lily looked up at Alice. "What did you want me to do? Dance?"

Alice wasn't amused. "I can't believe you didn't tell me, and you told _her," _said Alice, pointing to Gabriella. They had a sneaking suspicion that she wasn't really asleep.

Lily turned away from Alice to look out the window. It was dark out, and she wondered how many stars she could count before Alice would ask for her attention again.

"Lily, I thought…I thought I was your friend."

Lily turned away from the window. "You are, Alice. You know you are."

Alice sat down on the edge of Lily's bed, twisting the loose strands of her shirt in her hands. "This is a big thing you kept from me."

"I know," said Lily, looking down at her lap. "I'm sorry."

"For a long time," said Alice.

"I know," Lily repeated. She knew that she had done a terrible thing, but she had no idea what else to say. There was nothing she could do to change the fact that she had screwed up.

"You think there's any chance Gavin will forgive and forget by the morning?" asked Lily.

"Oh, yeah," Alice replied sarcastically. She sighed and shook her head slowly. "Umm, no. Probably not, actually."

"Thanks," said Lily. "Listen, I'm going to take a walk."

"Okay," said Alice, watching her walk to the door. "_I'll _forgive and forget, but…in the future…?"

"If James Potter and I ever do the deed again," said Lily, surprised at her ability to joke around at a time like this, "I'll let you know."

"After the fact," said Alice. "Don't compose a letter right in the middle."

Lily actually laughed loudly at that. "Yeah," said Lily. "It won't happen again, so we don't have to worry about that."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, I'm just some huge burden on your life?" James asked, trying to keep his face free of emotion.

"That," said Remus, "is not what I said."

"It's what you meant!" said James, putting on his shoes to go patrolling with Evans.

"No," said Remus. "Please, James."

Remus looked to Sirius for help, but he looked like he wanted to avoid being yelled at for the first time in weeks.

"It's fine; I get that."

"James," said Remus, grabbing his arm. "James, I want to help you. You're not a burden."

"I don't need help!" James cried, wrenching his arm out of Remus' grip.

Remus admitted to himself that he might have gone about the conversation wrong, but his intentions had been good. He had tried to explain to James how worried they all were, and that they wanted to help him, but he had ended up talking mostly about what it was doing to their schedules.

James wasn't listening to him. He was tying his shoes, and Remus needed something, some way to get him to stay. This was the last time he would be brave enough to talk to him about it all.

James opened the door.

"I heard you throwing up in the bathroom," said Remus.

James turned around. "You probably heard someone else," he said. Then, he slammed the door.

Remus was more interested in talking to James than answering questions from Sirius and Peter that were sure to come, so he followed James out.

"James, I'm sorry," he said.

James turned around to face him before walking down the stairs. He looked at him with loathing shining in his eyes.

"Thank you," he said sarcastically.

"Wait," said Remus. "Look, I didn't—I was never planning on telling them about that. I wanted to talk to you about it first, but I—"

"So that you could fix your life again?"

"James—"

"Am I cutting into your homework time? Are your thoughts focused on me and my problems during a test? I'll apologize in advance if you don't do so well."

"James, you know that's not true!"

"Just give up on me, Remus. Go back to bed, damnit. I'm Head Boy!"

"Oh, I'm scared," said Remus, taking a moment to roll his eyes. "Look, just talk to me."

"I hate you," said James. "That's all I have to say. You just caused me so many more problems by telling them you—you heard me doing something that, by the way, isn't illegal. My stomach hurt."

"Oh, the hell it did!"

"And now you sound like him," said James, referring to Sirius. ".You. And I don't need your pity and your _time._ I'm out. I'm done."

"With what?" Remus asked.

"Just everything. You, Sirius, Peter, Lily, Snape, my family, quidditch. Done."

"Right, considering you're going to patrol with her right now," said Remus, rolling his eyes skyward.

James glared. "Fine. I take back everything after Peter. Bye."

Remus went back into the dormitory, and it was only after he had closed the door that James felt safe to go down to the common room.

Lily was already waiting for him when he arrived. She was sitting on an armchair, her head on her knees, looking as miserable as he felt.

"Let's skip patrolling," said Lily.

James almost fell. "Are—are you serious?"

"I need air and stars," Lily said, leading the way.

James also needed some air and stars.

"I can't believe little goody Miss Evans decided to cut patrolling," said James.

They were lying down on the quidditch field, looking up at the sky. It was relatively cold, and James had to hide the fact that he was shivering. Lily looked fine.

"Hey," said Lily. "I can't believe you'd want to be anywhere with me after what happened today."

James cleared his throat.

"Different topic now…" said Lily. "During the summer, my cousin and I used to sit out in my backyard and do this for hours. We'd even sleep here."

"Well, we're not doing that," said James, laughing.

"No, of course not," said Lily.

They both stopped talking for a while, enjoying the peace and quiet. The only sound that could be heard was Lily drumming her fingers on her knees.

"I think that you know I know," said Lily, turning to face him, "about your dilemma."

"I have no dilemma," James denied, albeit weakly.

"Your sickness," Lily corrected.

"I'm not sick."

Lily sighed. "Go ahead hiding it. It only makes you look stupid, though, hiding something we all know is there."

"Is that why you asked me to come out here?" asked James, furiously standing up. "I came out here because I thought this meant I could finally relax, but no! More interrogations!"

"James…James, sit _down. _I may not know exactly what you're dealing with, but I do understand—"

"—Lily, don't even…" James shoved his hands into his pockets. "You have _absolutely _**no **idea." 

Lily had never seen him look so upset. "James," she said softly, reaching out for him.

James pulled back as if he had been burned. "I'm going inside."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, what does he mean he's done with us?" asked Sirius. "What is he talking about?"

Remus shrugged. "How should I know? He hates me now."

"Oh, don't take it personally," said Peter. "He hates everybody now."


	11. Gone Mental

Author's Note: This chapter was supposed to be up earlier, but I wasn't expecting my friend's mother to die on Wednesday. Since the wake, I've had a hard time getting this out on paper or on Word because I know exactly what I want to happen, but the writing kept coming out so badly because my emotions are weird right now, and nothing really seems to be making me feel better. Now, it's finally here. Hopefully, it's as good as I had expected it to be when I _started _planning it. There are a couple flashbacks in here (some of you who don't read my other stories may not know how obsessed I am with them lol), and it jumps back and forth between James to the other marauders. There is offensive language in this chapter, and I'm thinking of bringing up the rating because of it. James also loses it completely. Beware. The main thing about this chapter is…James feels like he needs to take the burden of himself off his friends and family because they don't "need it" anymore. This usually happens in this story, but I'm just warning you now that there are probably things in this chapter that will confuse you a bit, but you'll get it later. This chapter is so LONG.

Remus had hoped the hatred James felt would be temporary. He had hoped that James would realize he was stupid to walk away from them, and he would come back and beg them for forgiveness.

Evidently, he had underestimated James' ability to hold a grudge. He didn't even sleep in his own bed anymore. He didn't want to be around them.

The first night, Remus had tossed and turned, worrying about him, so he decided to try to bring him back upstairs. It was then that he discovered James was not sleeping in the common room. After searching frantically for him, he found James outside, lying on the quidditch field, shivering violently.

_"James," he said softly. Remus walked closer and laid a hand on his shoulder._

_James looked up at him. Remus was surprised that he let Remus help him up, but he supposed James did not have much of a choice. He was practically frozen, despite the mild weather._

_"Let's go inside, James," said Remus. "You're freezing."_

_James shook his head. _

_"I know you hate me right now, but—"_

_"You," said James, speaking through shivers, "don't get it. You ruined everything."_

_"James…"_

_"But I'm glad you did. Since I don't have to deal with you guys, I'm free to do as I please without worrying you'll 'tell on me'. No one else watches me day and night."_

_"James, we don't __watch __you," said Remus wearily. It was too early for this._

_"Now, I can just be happy doing what I'm doing."_

_"This—this honestly makes you happy?" said Remus. "You are ready to give up everything—even Lily—to just lose some weight or whatever."_

_"Yeah," said James, shrugging shamelessly._

The problem was worse than any of them had ever imagined. "He is willing to do anything to get what he wants," said Sirius.

Remus believed that Sirius could not get over the fact that James had so cruelly brought up bad memories for him just to get him to back off.

"I know," said Peter. "I saw him after Potions yesterday, leaning against the wall in the bathroom…just crying."

"I think," said Sirius, "that it may be time to write to his mother."

"He would never forgive us!" said Peter, terrified.

"He hates us already," said Remus. "And it's the least we can do to prevent this from getting worse. I'm afraid…we're already really late."

Remus looked down at his hands.

"Is the perfect friendship that everyone was always so envious of finally being destroyed?" said Peter.

Sirius sighed and sat down on the floor, his head on his knees.

Abruptly, Remus smashed his hand on his night table, causing his book and clock to fall down.

Sirius and Peter both jumped. "For Merlin's sake, Moony!" said Sirius. "What is wrong with you?"

"He shouldn't have had to pass out before we saw it was serious. He shouldn't have had to have a _panic _attack."

"I know," said Sirius.

"We should have noticed before it went that far!"

"We can't blame ourselves for this," said Sirius. "He was good at hiding it."

"Don't you get it?" said Remus. "We paid no attention to him. We—we didn't even know he and Lily…"

"It's his fault," said Sirius. "He should have told us that."

"Like we would have listened," said Remus quietly. "How long have you and I been fighting and ignoring him? Almost a year now. A full twelve months. We only started to make up because he was in danger."

"If you think that our fight has anything to do with our not realizing how sick he was, then why are you bringing the unmentionable _fight _back up?"

"I'm not." Remus lowered his voice. "Sirius, I don't want to fight anymore."

"Then, forgive me," said Sirius, shrugging.

"It's not about forgiving you," said Remus.

Peter looked back and forth from Remus to Sirius, wondering which side he was supposed to take.

"Well, then I don't know what we're talking about!"

"We just…" Remus sat back down on his bed. "We just should have known, but we didn't."

Sirius didn't reply. He didn't think he was supposed to.

"We should have," said Peter.

"Are we in agreement?" asked Sirius.

"All right. What will we write?"

"Dear Mrs. Potter, your son…no. That sounds like a bad start," said Sirius.

"'Excuse me, but we thought you might want to know that your son is slowly wasting away, and he doesn't seem to care, so maybe you could do something. Hope to hear from you soon!' Cheerful," said Remus.

"Mercedes! We could write to her!" said Sirius.

"Yes!" Remus agreed. "We could meet her in Hogsmeade or something."

"Perfect," said Sirius. "James will refuse to go anywhere with us, so that won't be an issue."

James was on his way back to the common room when someone came up behind him.

"Hey, Potter," he said cheerfully.

"Hi," said James nervously.

Gavin smiled. "I just wanted to tell you that I've been made captain. Thanks for disappearing," he said. "I mean, I'm sorry you were kicked off and all…" He didn't sound very sorry.

James wasn't sure what Gavin was trying to do. He acted as though nothing had happened a few days before. In fact, James was surprised to see Gavin had been avoiding confrontation with him entirely. James had expected an assault.

"I've just got to find another chaser now," said Gavin. "It'll be difficult finding one as good as you."

James had absolutely no idea what this boy's plan was. "You know the password?" James asked, shivering.

"Maragole," said Gavin, still smiling. Perhaps, he was so happy about becoming captain that he forgot that he was supposed to be angry with James.

It was a small possibility.

James and Gavin walked in through the portrait hole together.

"You sleep outside again, Potter?'

James glared at him. "Why do you care?" he asked. "I didn't ask for your opinion."

Gavin rolled his eyes, mumbling, "psycho," under his breath before walking away. James wondered if Lily and Gavin were still together.

Maybe it was just a little fight. They would probably make up and move on. James knew that if he were Lily's boyfriend, he would never leave her, no matter what mistakes she made. Gavin's love for the girl was probably the same.

Sure enough, Gavin walked over to where Lily was sitting, and she immediately dropped everything and began giving explanations. Gavin took her hand and nodded towards the stairs. They were going to talk…about him…and about what he did with her…and she would be forgiven…and all would be forgotten.

In his mind and in hers.

James watched as they walked up the stairs, wondering what Lily would say to him. He knew that whatever she said, it would have something to do with how she had made a terrible mistake because James meant nothing. James, as a human, was a terrible mistake. Lily would probably tell him she loved him, hug him, kiss him, and say she had been out of her mind when she had gone to that _scum _Potter. Then, she would beg for forgiveness, and Gavin would grant it.

"James!"

He jumped. "Don't scare me like that," said James, taking his eyes off the staircase to look at Sirius.

"Sorry," said Sirius. "Anyway, you left your cloak in our room, and I know how you like to use it to watch Lily when she's in here at night, reading."

Sirius handed James his invisibility cloak.

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about," said James.

"Ah, disguise the pain with more swearing."

James ignored him. "If that's all you needed…"

"I just thought you should know that we're going to talk to your sister," said Sirius. "Remus and Peter advised me not to tell you, but I think you deserve warning."

"Wow," said James. He tried to find the right words to say to him, but _I hate you _had been overused.

"Why don't you just lock me up in a cage right now?"

"Save me the drama," said Sirius, rolling his eyes.

"What? You're not planning on buying me my own personal mattress to use when the hospital wing becomes my permanent home?"

"Bye, James," said Sirius, leaving the common room.

James groaned, putting his head in his hands. "So stupid," said James. "I'm so damn stupid."

"Talking to yourself again, Potter?"

James didn't bother to find out who it was. "Why can't everyone just leave me alone?!" he shouted. "And, YES, I'm a psycho." Then, he, too, left the room.

James knew he had probably taken his anger out on someone that didn't deserve it. Some innocent bystander was always subjected to his melodramatic screaming and shouting, but he didn't feel the need to apologize to the person.

James aimlessly walked the corridors, looking down at his feet when anyone caught his eyes. He knew he could not get into a conversation with anyone.

He couldn't sleep in his own room anymore, and his closest friends were the last people he wanted to be around. His life had become a complete nightmare, and no matter how many times he pinched himself (looking stupider every time), he could not wake up.

James wandered until he found an open classroom with the lights off. Opening the door, he smiled involuntarily.

Then, he saw that Professor Slughorn was sitting at his desk, reading in the dark.

First of all, that wasn't a normal thing to do, and second of all, James wasn't sure he appreciated people just waltzing into his room.

"I—uh, hi, Professor," he said.

"Mr. Potter!" he said, surprised. "What brings you here?"

Truthfully, he had wanted to be able to sit somewhere, completely alone, but he figured that being alone with Slughorn was better than being with his friends.

James knew he was in trouble when that thought entered his mind.

"Could I—could I maybe just sit down and relax in here for a bit?"

"Of course!" said Slughorn excitedly.

James smiled. At least, there would be no probing questions while he sat in a room with the Potions master.

"Hurry up," said Sirius.

"I would feel much better if we had the cloak," said Remus, looking around anxiously.

"No one's going to see us here, Moony," said Sirius. "And it belongs to James. I had to give it back to him."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Because you're so kind to him," he muttered.

"I really don't appreciate your comments," said Sirius.

Peter pushed open the door to The Three Broomsticks, ignoring his bickering friends. He walked over to a table towards the back of the pub.

It was mostly empty. There was a witch in the corner, sharing a drink with a man that was probably her boyfriend. They didn't seem too concerned that three Hogwarts kids were out in Hogsmeade.

Sirius and Remus argued all the way over to the table, barely looking where they were going.

Madam Rosmerta saw them immediately. She grinned at them.

"James isn't here?" she asked, disappointed. "He left last time as well, right?"

"Could you get us some butterbeers, please?" said Sirius.

"Absolutely, boys," she said. "Tell your friend I'm starting to miss him."

Sirius nodded, and she left to get their drinks. It was weird to be in Hogsmeade, waiting for James' sister instead of James. It felt, to all of them, as if they were plotting against him.

"She's always late," said Sirius.

"Lucky we got here early," said Remus sarcastically.

"Is everything that happens my fault?"

"_Is everything that happens my fault?" Sirius said, losing his temper. "One tiny mistake, and I—"_

"_Tiny? Tiny!"_

_James' head was pounding from the yelling. He had been trying to ignore it, but it no longer seemed possible. _

"_Sirius, do you ever think?" asked Remus. "There's a brain in there for a reason, you know."_

"_You're so funny," said Sirius. "Witty."_

"_Sirius, let's go."_

_A blond boy, shorter than Sirius, put his hand in Sirius', pulling on him pleadingly. "Come on."_

_James almost jumped for joy at the thought of the fight ending. Sirius squeezed the boy's hand. "Just a minute, babe," he said, not looking down at him._

_Both Sirius' boyfriend and James were aware that a minute could mean two seconds or two days. He looked hopelessly at James._

_James just shrugged._

_"Are you two nearly finished?" said James. "I have a headache."_

_But he was obviously ignored. Shouting out that he had grown another leg wouldn't have gotten him much more of a response._

_"I said I was sorry, Remus," said Sirius. "What more do you want from me?"_

_Remus laughed humorlessly. "Why don't you apologize to Snape, Dumbledore, or my parents? Maybe even James?"_

_"Don't drag me into this!" said James, alarmed._

_"**James **has forgiven me," said Sirius._

_Sirius and Remus stared at each other for a long time, both trying to say something that would either end the fight or cause the other person to feel even more terrible._

"_I'm going," said Sirius, taking the blond with him._

_James was relieved. With Peter, Frank, and Sirius gone, he would be able to have a calm and helpful Remus give him advice._

_Just as Remus was opening up his newest novel, James said tentatively, "Hey, Moony?"_

_Remus slammed the book shut. "What?" he asked._

_James flinched. "Well, I have to talk to you about Lily."_

_Remus sighed. "She has a boyfriend, James," he said._

"_I know," said James, "but—"_

"_Do you really want to be responsible for ruining their relationship?"_

"_No," said James. "Remus—"_

"_Because that's something I'd expect from Sirius," he interrupted again. _

_James groaned. "Remus!"_

"_Oh, James. I'm so sorry," he said, realizing he wasn't being very helpful. "What's wrong?"_

"_Well, Lily and I were talking last night, and the wh—"_

"_Are you kidding me?'_

"_What?" James asked. Could Remus already tell he had done something wrong from those first few words?_

"_Look at the mess he made of that closet," said Remus, getting up to examine it more closely. "He has no respect for me."_

_James also got up, but he had no interest in checking out the closet. He walked out of the room, aggravated with Remus. He could not listen to him for two seconds?_

_James went down to the common room. Frank. He would be able to be of some assistance._

_James assumed he'd be in the library. There was going to be an exam the next day in Transfiguration, so there was a good chance he would be studying for it._

_James was not let down. Frank Longbottom was sitting with his textbook open, reciting spells and incantations. James was ready to run over to him, but then he saw Alice. She had gotten up to grab another book that would help them study…together._

_When she saw him, she waved him over._

_He shook his head, and, feeling stupid, walked right back out of the library. He couldn't sit with the two of them kissing and holding hands while he spilled out his problems. Besides, as Lily's good friend, Alice was likely to tell her everything he said. James didn't want Lily knowing that he was discussing their little incident._

_While he was walking back toward the Gryffindor common room, he thought about his last resort. Mercedes. Did he really want to talk about girl problems with his elder sister? She would probably be more than happy to help, of course, but she was busy…and more importantly, it was humiliating for him._

_After weighing his options, he decided a few minutes of humiliating was better than confusion for the rest of his life, so he reluctantly went to find his sister._

_As he had expected, Mercedes was sitting under the tree by the lake, skipping pebbles._

"_Cedez," he said._

_She turned around, startled. "Oh, hi," she said. "What's up?"_

_James sat down beside her. "Nothing. You?"_

"_Mike's on his way over here," she said, smiling "He's got some big anniversary thing planned… Don't ask me what because I have no idea."_

_James tried to smile back at her, but he was exasperated with the world. Was everyone busy? _

"_So, did you need something or just relaxing here?"_

"_Oh," said James. "Just relaxing," he lied, laying his head on the bark of the tree. He didn't need to make her feel bad through her whole anniversary celebration._

James tuned out Slughorn. If the teacher addressed him, James merely nodded or shook his head. Only once did he say something that actually caught James' attention.

"And I made him dispose of it, of course. The poor boy didn't know he'd created a poison."

Poison.

"Who?" James asked stupidly.

"Well, Josh Perkins, of course!" said Slughorn. "Haven't you been listening?"

"I'm sorry, Professor," said James, sitting up straighter. "I was zoning out. Tell me about the poison—the potion—that turned out to be poisonous…again."

Slughorn looked too happy about the idea of a student wanting him to retell a story that he did not seem to care why.

James listened closely as Slughorn went on and on about the mixed up ingredients Perkins had put in and why those ingredients created a deadly potion. He pretended to be interested as Slughorn explained what happened after he had gotten rid of the potion ("he apologized for being so distracted, and then…").

"Uh-huh," said James, sighing after Slughorn had finished. "Thanks for letting me stay in here."

"Not a problem, m'boy," he said cheerfully, waving him off. "I'll get going with you," he said.

James was afraid he was going to follow him and _talk _with him, but Slughorn answered his unasked question.

"I've got a staff meeting to attend. Hopefully, it will be quick."

"Yeah," said James. "Hopefully."

_____________________________________________________

Mercedes was just as beautiful as the boys remembered. She spotted them at once, not concealing her anxiety very well.

"Hey," she said, pulling a new chair over to their table. "How are you guys?"

"Wish we could say we're great," said Sirius. "There's a bit of a problem with James."

"So, you've said," said Mercedes, frowning. "What is it?"

Remus and Sirius looked at each other, wondering who should be the one to give the bad news. Finally, Remus nodded, suggesting silently that Sirius would be better. He, after all, knew her better.

"Prepare yourself. It's kind of shocking."

"Sirius," she said, crossing her arms.

"James…has some sort of an eating disorder."

The words sounded like nothing. It was hard to sum up how much pain they were all in, using just two words. Remus felt like explaining every little thing that James had said and done, just to make sure his sister got the point.

Mercedes ran her fingers through her long brown hair, looking as if she had not heard them.

Finally, she said, "Are you sure?" quietly.

Remus nodded. "He won't really admit to it, but I think he knows that it's true."

"Denial?"

"A lot of it," said Peter. "He keeps telling us he's not sick, and he can handle himself, and that he wouldn't lie to us…but that's all he's been doing. Lying."

Mercedes nodded. "I don't believe this," she said. "How long has this been going on?"

Sirius looked guiltily down at his butterbeer. "We're not sure, but it's been a while."

"I think it may have started in August," said Remus. "I didn't know then, but…"

"Yeah," said Peter.

They were feeling extremely uncomfortable, and they were somewhat afraid that Mercedes would be angry with them for not noticing earlier or telling her when they first realized it.

But Mercedes didn't seem angry at all. She seemed to be confused, and she continued to run her fingers through her hair.

"He wrote to me recently, asking for pictures," she said, gazing at the ceiling. "It was the strangest thing, but I sent them. He just said 'Can I have a picture of each of you?' and I didn't ask why. He's been so…strange lately."

"Yeah," said Peter. "He has."

"He sleeps outside," said Remus. He had been wondering if it was a good thing to tell her, but he decided that giving as much information as possible was probably the best. "He refuses to stay in our room anymore."

"This is bad," she said, shaking her head.

"He is failing everything," said Remus. "He's not even on the Quidditch team anymore."

"I'm going to talk to mum," she said, "but I'm thinking we're going to have him come home."

The boys couldn't say they hadn't expected that, but the thought of James going home…was just terrible to think about. They couldn't imagine how James would feel…

Actually, Sirius could. He could imagine being shunned for the rest of his life by a certain black-haired boy in glasses, and he didn't like the idea of it.

"Maybe…that's not necessary," he said. "Maybe you could just talk to him."

Remus scoffed. "Because that's been working so well for us? What is with you? One second, you're forcing him to do something, and the next, you act like _we _decided to do it."

"Thank you," said Mercedes, sensing an argument that she didn't want to be around for. "Thank you for telling me all of this, and my mother and I will be having a talk tonight. It was nice to see you again."

"You, too," said Sirius, reluctantly, giving her a hug.

"Take care of him, okay?"

Sirius nodded. "I'll do my best."

______________________________________________________________

James was shaking—literally shaking—as he sat on a bench in a second floor corridor.

He had never really thought about suicide before. In fact, he had never much felt like dying. All he wanted was to control his body, right?

But he supposed the suicide gene—was there such a thing as a suicide gene?—was in his family. Maybe it could work. Maybe…maybe it would make things better.

Not for himself, of course. James no longer cared a bit about himself, and if he died, everything for him would be over, but his friends would be able to live their lives again. If he died, they would be able to relax again.

The idea was just sounding better and better.

All of the feelings of guilt he had held inside for years would disappear. He would cancel out the bad things he had done with the good. He would no longer have to feel bad about hurting anyone else because he would be _saving _his friends. He would be doing a _good _thing.

But his family. What would his family do without him?

James' shaking got worse. He wrapped his arms around himself, wanting it all to _end._

"Heyy, Potter."

'Go away,' James begged inside. 'Please…go away.'

"Severus here was telling us a little story," said Regulus Black.

James stared at them, wishing, for the first time, he had never given them reason to hate him. They traveled in mixed groups. Sometimes, it was Regulus and his cousin Bellatrix. Other days, such as this one, Snape and other Slytherins, ones that James had not bothered to meet, would accompany them.

Snape never truly looked at James anymore. He would usually look at the ground and pretend to be as malicious as the rest of them were. James could only imagine what kind of things he had told Regulus.

Bellatrix looked insanely amused. James quickly reminded himself that there was no emotion Bellatrix every showed that did not go along with the word insane.

"Yes, Potter," she said, walking closer to him. "He says you've turned into quite the little girl."

"Skipping meals, quitting Quidditch, fearing a weight gain. It's kind of…silly, isn't it?" said Regulus, smiling. "I've also heard there's been lots of crying."

"That's rich, coming from you," said James, finding his voice. "I remember finding you in hysterics crying after you realized your big brother wasn't coming back."

Bellatrix turned to him, disgusted. "I really hope he's lying," she said.

Regulus nodded vigorously. "I was merely embarrassed to be related to a boy that had done my family so much shame. And…I wasn't _crying."_

James rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

"So, is it true, Potter? The word around the school is: you're anorexic."

"I'm not," said James, standing up. "_Or _bulimic," he added loudly, seeing her mouth open again.

"Seem pretty defensive," she said, laughing. "I'll bet it's true."

"Maybe he's afraid he's just not good enough for his little boyfriend," said one of the nameless Slytherins.

James looked up at the ceiling, praying for a bolt of lightning to come. He wasn't fussy about which person he wanted to get hit.

"Perhaps," said Bellatrix. "Maybe all the estrogen in his family finally took him over. Poor James doesn't know how to be a boy."

James knew they were trying to provoke him, and he wasn't going to let himself lose it. He would not give Bellatrix the satisfaction of hurting him, as he knew she wanted it more than anything in the world.

"Cute," said James, getting up from the bench.

Bellatrix gently pushed James, and he tried to grab the wall to keep his balance, but it was too far away. He fell to the ground painfully, but he got up quickly, ignoring their laughter.

"You ought to go find your boyfriend, Potter," said Snape, joining in with the taunting. "He'll be worried."

They laughed again.

_Don't let them provoke you._

"Did you eat today, Potter?" said another one of the nameless Slytherins.

James, as if he needed more to embarrass him, was pushed down again. Why could he no longer defend himself?

This time, however, he didn't get up. He didn't want to look at them anymore.

"James?"

This day just kept getting better and better.

"Oh, look at that! My cousin and his friends have arrived," said Bellatrix. "Things get even more interesting."

James wished he had never entered that particular corridor. He felt someone helping him up, and when he chanced a glance at the person, he realized it was Remus. Remus smiled uncomfortably at him.

"Let's go," he said.

"Leave him the hell _alone!" _Sirius shouted at his cousin.

Remus and Peter were obviously trying to pull him away from the scene quickly, so that he would not have to witness the fight, but he wouldn't move.

"Stop," he said.

He wasn't quite sure he wanted to see the fight, but he didn't want to be told what to do, either. His stubbornness forced him to stand and watch.

"What is your _problem_?" Sirius asked.

Bellatrix laughed, as she always did when talking to Sirius. "My problem?"

"Sirius, let's go," said Peter, acting the pacifist.

"It's not my fault Potter can't take care of himself," she said. "It's not _my _fault his big, strong, boyfriend needs to come save him every time."

Sirius looked like he wanted to speak, but then he let out a small laugh. "Wow, this is so ridiculous," he said, possibly remembering that she had a wand, and he didn't.

"Remus."

"What?" said Remus, not taking his eyes off the Slytherins.

"My throat really hurts," said James.

"Sorry," he said.

James wasn't sure he was paying attention.

"And my head."

"Sorry," he said again.

James was feeling dizzy once again, and to prevent himself from falling, he leaned onto Remus.

It was the perfect show for Bellatrix. "Oh, and now he needs _you _to hold onto him? I think you're a little confused, honey. That's not Sirius."

It was as if no one else was there anymore. It was a private fight between Sirius, James, and Bellatrix.

No matter how dizzy he was, James refused to be tortured about it, so he moved as far away from Remus as he could.

James was having a hard time speaking, but his words were very clear. "I am not a fucking faggot," he said through gritted teeth.

"James, calm down," said Remus. "Does it matter what they think?"

"You," said James, "have no right to say that to me. All you care about is what people think of you."

Remus didn't deny it.

"Fine. Fine, whatever, James," he said. "Let's just go."

James looked close to the panic attack point again, and Remus did not want to put on a show for anyone to see.

People were coming again, but they said nothing, did nothing, and cared not a bit about the group they were walking past.

"No!" said James. "I am tired of being labeled a faggot. I don't eat."

James was admitting to that?

"I don't eat!" he shouted.

"Okay," said Peter, "he's gone mental."

"Shh," said Remus.

"This is fun," said Bellatrix, turning to Snape. "They don't need me to ruin their lives because they do it on their own!"

Though Snape and Bellatrix were clearly enjoying it, Regulus was beginning to look uncomfortable. "Maybe we should just let this…occur on its own or something."

Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "You're such a baby."

"Clearly, you're not getting enough oxygen to your brain," said Sirius. "You're acting crazy."

"Tell them!" said James. "Tell them I'm not like you."

Sirius looked at him, hardly believing this was happening. "James, they _know _that. They enjoy seeing you like this. I thought you smart enough to not let them provoke you."

And now Bellatrix joined the group of people that were there, but were no longer noticed.

"No," said James. "No, no, no, no, no! You don't get it!"

"Don't get what?" asked Sirius gently.

"That I like this."

"What?" asked Sirius, confused.

"I like this feeling," said James. "I feel good."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. He was holding onto the wall for support. His face was pale. He was dizzy, his throat her, and he looked absolutely terrible. He was also in the middle of a fight. What felt good?

"I mean," James went on slowly, "I like how I feel when I get rid of my food. It makes me feel so strong. So…powerful. That's nice, and the last time I felt _good _I don't even remember. Why do you want to take that away?"

"Two different conversations here, James," said Sirius.

"When I finally do something that's making me happy, I'm a girl? A faggot?"

"You want to stop using that word?" said Remus weakly.

"And honestly, I'm just—"

"What, James? Disgusting?"

Remus winced.

"That's not what I was going to say," said James, but his voice lowered considerably, and he seemed to remember there were other people around. "I didn't mean that."

"I know that's what you think of me," said Sirius, "but we're not here to talk about that. In fact…we shouldn't be here at all."

"Thank you," said Remus, following Sirius' lead.

"Let's go," said Snape.

"What?" she asked. "You've grown soft-hearted, too?"

"No," said Snape, nodding his head in the opposite direction of James and the others. "Trust me. Let's go."

Bellatrix shrugged, looking disappointed.

When the marauders had gotten as far away as they deemed safe, they stopped walking. James sat down against the wall, and Remus sat next to him.

Cautiously, he put his hand on his shoulder. "James."

"Don't touch me," said James, pulling away from him as if burned.

"Okay," said Remus immediately, moving further away. He'd sort of been expecting it.

James' breathing was coming in short gasps, and he looked extremely flustered.

"I—I don't think you're disgusting," said James.

Sirius was looking down at him, shaking his head. "Don't hurt yourself. Once you relax, we'll walk back to the common room."

"No," said James. "I don't."

"I don't want to talk about this," said Sirius. "Just try to breathe."

"Stop—stop worrying about my breathing!" said James, coughing. "Just listen to me."

"I heard you."

"But you don't believe me."

"How can you expect me to?" said Sirius, smiling sadly. "You're going home, James."

Remus closed his eyes, bracing himself for a fight. "Did you have to say that now?"

"What?" asked James.

"You _might _be," said Remus.

"I'm not going anywhere," said James, standing up quickly—too quickly.

Everything was spinning.

"I _knew _everything would be easier," said James.

"What are you talking about?" said Sirius.

"You don't want me around anymore," said James, holding onto the wall behind him. "Well, fine. I'll go."

James had barely walked two steps before he had to stop to catch his balance.

"James…" said Peter slowly.

"You talked…to my sister… It's practically…betrayal."

"Don't talk anymore," said Remus.

"It's just my throat," said James, shaking his head to shake off their worry. "Can you help me to Slughorn's room?"

"Slughorn?" said Remus and Sirius together.

"Just Peter," said James. "You two go back to the common room."

Remus and Sirius exchanged glances. "Okay," said Remus.

Peter helped walk James to the Professor Slughorn's room, and he kindly did not ask why.

They were sending him home. They were pushing the _awful _burden that he was onto his mother. He wouldn't be a burden to any of them anymore, especially his mum. She didn't need that. It was time to end it.

"Open the door," said James. "He's at a staff meeting."

"Okay," said Peter, always ready to do anything James told him to do. "It's locked."

"Well, obviously," said James. "You have your wand?"

Peter nodded meekly. "Alohomora," he said. He was surprised when it opened.

James smiled at him. "He's never been crazy on security, has he?"

Peter tried to laugh, but James was sort of scaring him. "Open the door," he said. "It's okay, Peter."

Peter felt bad thinking about it, but…he felt this was the first time James had been somewhat nice to anyone in months, and he felt strange to be the one who was privileged enough to see the old James.

James was smiling again.

"Okay, now I need to make this potion for my throat."

"Okay," said Peter nervously.

"Madam Pomfrey…I could go to her, right? But I don't want her to know I'm feeling sick," he said.

"Right," said Peter. "So, it's just safer to make it here, and then I'll go drink it in the bathroom. We just need to get the ingredients."

"So, we're stealing?"

"Well, Slughorn wouldn't mind."

"We're stealing."

"Sort of," said James. "Just come on."

James walked over to the supply closet and found it locked. Peter said the unlocking spell, but it didn't budge.

"Damn," whispered James.

"This is a sign we should leave," said Peter.

"No," said James. "Just…damnit."

James punched his hand through the glass doors of the closet, making Peter flinch. "James!"

James shrugged. "So, he'll know. He won't know you were with me, Peter. Can you do something with my hand?"

He seemed absolutely apathetic about the fact that blood was dripping from his knuckles to the floor.

"Ye—yeah," he said. "Vigoratus."

James' hand stopped bleeding, and he carelessly wiped the dry blood off on his robes.

"James…you're…" Peter didn't know what to say. "Is this really that important?"

James looked at Peter, putting on his best hurt face. "Do you want me to be in pain?"

He knew that Peter could not be as strong as Sirius.

"I—no, of course not. Just hurry."

And, that was exactly why James brought him.

He grabbed everything he needed, and Peter watched nervously as he poured it all into the cauldron.

"Are you sure you're doing that right?" he asked.

James was doing the best he could without instructions in front of him. He could do this. He had to be able to.

"Yes, I am. Are you rubbing it in my face? I'm not that great, but I don't suck either, Peter."

"Sorry!" said Peter, going back to his position, checking the door for Slughorn.

"It just has to sit for ten minutes," said James.

"Ten minutes…" Peter repeated. His eyes were glued to the door, peeking out the peephole, making sure the teacher was nowhere in sight.

Ten minutes later, one student's mistake was James Potter's miracle. He held in his hand the cup that would end it all. All the pain he had caused, all the people he had hurt…they wouldn't have to deal with him anymore.

He had spilled out the rest of the potion into the sink, taking a full cup with him to the bathroom.

"You can go back now, Peter."

"It's okay," said Peter. "I can stay…if you want."

James shook his head. "Don't worry. I haven't eaten anything, so I'm not pushing you away, so I can throw up." He laughed.

Peter tried to laugh too, but it came out as more of a nervous half-snicker. "So, I'll go back, I guess."

"Tell Sirius I'm sorry," said James. "For…well, for everything I've said and done to him over the past couple months."

"Okay…" said Peter. "See you later."

Once James was alone, he drank down the entire potion in one go. If he thought he had felt dizzy before, he had had no idea what that word meant.

And, as he thought about what he was really drinking, the poisonous mixture he had put together, he felt relieved.

Author's Note: Oh,my. That is certainly a mean way to end a chapter, huh? Please, please review! This was a crazy one, I know, and it was 23 pages!

**There was someone who asked me a while ago what, exactly, anorexia was. She said she knew, but she wasn't sure if she really understood…or if she was entirely right. I don't know. So, I give you this: Anorexia Nervosa is an eating disorder, primarily affecting adolescent girls and young women (but, as I try to show in this story, some people don't realize it affects males, too), characterized by ****pathological fear of becoming fat, distorted body image, excessive dieting, and emaciation. It's a ****psychosomatic**** disorder in which the sufferer refuses to eat and undertakes activities (such as self-induced vomiting) to bring about extreme weight loss. It may result in death if medical treatment is not obtained. Treatment for anorexia often includes extensive counseling to reveal underlying emotional problems. Helpful?**


	12. Friends and Family

Author's Note: Okay, so I'm sorry this took so long. It's just that my last chapter of Just Passing Through took forEVER. Not only was I sooo busy with other stuff, but I also had a hard time getting that one the way I wanted it. Also, I'm leaving for Mexico on the 20th, so my stories won't be updated for a while. It's unfortunate. I'm sorry. :( Anyway, I tried to get this one out before Mexico because I didn't want to leave you on a cliffhanger. I turn sixteen Thursday. Review as a present, please. OH! One more thing before I forget…I always like to mention stuff that deals with conversions from the Metric system to the English, which is so annoying, and here I use pounds because I'm honestly not sure if I'm right when I convert to the English system. I'm pretty sure 105 pounds is…**47.63 ****kilograms. Correct me if I'm wrong, please. Anyway, depending on height, a seventeen year old boy is supposed to be around **64 kilograms. Again, this is all depends, but we're working with: James was around 140 pounds, and now his goal was to go down to 105. I'm doing my best with conversion. :(

_"You're pathetic."_

_James watched, a confused look in his eyes, as Lily stood before him with a note in his handwriting. It read: 105._

_That had been James' goal weight for the longest time. When he had begun, it seemed like a perfect weight to strive for. It was quite a reach, but it wouldn't _hurt _him in any way._

_Lily looked at him as if this weight was not even enough._

_How much did James weigh now? It was only just this morning he had walked onto a scale that read 103. That wasn't possible. His goal weight was supposed to be thin. Perhaps he had picked a bad number._

_100 was better._

_He would stop when he reached 100._

"_Did you really think this would make you look better?" Lily asked with a sneer. "I expected more from you. I thought you were supposed to be strong or something."_

_James blinked. Two more pounds? Who was he kidding? Lily was right. He was strong enough to lose at least five more._

_Lily was staring at him, raising an eyebrow expectantly. "Well? I'm waiting."_

_James fell down to the floor. He hadn't eaten in days. There was nothing in him anymore, no food to get rid of._

"_I'm going running."_

_Lily laughed before walking away. "Like that'll help you. Face it, Potter. It's a lost cause."_

"Stop it," Remus demanded, pulling Sirius' hand away from his mouth. "You've almost bitten your entire nail off."

Sirius didn't respond, but he did lower his hand.

"This is all my fault," said Peter tearfully. "I didn't know that…"

Remus shook his head, but he didn't take his eyes off the bed. "Madam Pomfrey said he will be fine, Peter."

"Yeah, he won't _die," _said Sirius. "Well, not yet. He'll only continue to try to destroy himself."

"You're not helping," said Remus.

The three boys were completely on edge, and Remus and Sirius were two steps away from lashing out at each other. The air was tense. James had been asleep for three days straight.

"I never thought I'd say this," said Peter, "but it's a good thing he sucks at Potions."

"Yeah," said Remus and Sirius simultaneously.

Madam Pomfrey came back into the room to check on James. Before doing anything else, she turned to the three boys.

"Go," she ordered. "You've been here three days!"

Sirius looked up at her. His eyes were lifeless, but they showed a silent determination. He would not leave even if she tried to escort him.

"Mr. Black," she said in the gentlest voice she could manage, "you need to sleep."

Sirius did not blink.

"I promise that you will know when Mr. Potter wakes up."

"I'm not leaving," said Sirius.

Madam Pomfrey sighed. "Just don't harass him."

Sirius got up from his chair to walk the floor again, his hands shoved into his pockets.

Sirius wondered what could have possessed James to do such a thing. When he woke up, would he feel guilty for what he had attempted or would he be angry that he had not succeeded?

It was pointless to wonder. What did it matter? James would slowly die, anyway, if he continued with the behavior he'd had as of late.

"Maybe she's right," said Remus softly, watching Sirius pace the floor. It had become Sirius' favorite activity. "You haven't slept through a night in days…forget that. Weeks."

"I won't sleep there, either," said Sirius. "I'll just continue thinking about it."

Remus sighed.

"I'm so damn angry with him for doing this to me, to himself, to you… It's not fair."

"James," said Remus slowly, "has a problem right now that none of us can understand. I'm not saying I'm innocent because I've yelled at screamed at him too. We have to try, though, Sirius. We have to try to be understanding."

Sirius didn't answer. He continued to pace the floor.

James groaned quietly in his sleep and rolled over onto his side. Other than the occasional noise from him, the room was silent.

_Somewhere along the line, James had figured out that he was dreaming. It wasn't often that he knew, inside of the dream, that what was happening couldn't possibly be real, but he knew that Lily would never care how much he weighed._

_He knew that._

_But, the fact that he was dreaming didn't make him any happier because he wasn't supposed to be dreaming. He was supposed to be dead._

_It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair. Couldn't he have been given the tiny gift of death? Was that really too much to ask for?_

_Lily guided him to a mirror, and he was horrified by what he saw. What had happened to him? James knew he wasn't thin, but he didn't think he'd gotten _that _big. A part of him felt like screaming and crying, but he simply fell to his knees and pushed the body- length mirror down backwards. He never wanted to look into a mirror again._

James' mother threw herself into Sirius' arms, nearly suffocating him.

Sirius hugged her back tightly, not knowing what else he could do.

When she finally pulled away, there were tears shining in her eyes. "Tell me everything," she said, walking over to hold her son's hand while he slept.

"Well, he'd been in the bathroom too long—that's where Peter said he was—so obviously, we went looking for him."

Mrs. Potter nodded. "And then?"

"He was just throwing up blood when we found him," said Sirius with a shudder, carefully not looking at her. If he saw her crying, he would break.

"He was only half-conscious, and he really had no idea what was happening, so we took him here."

James groaned again. Mrs. Potter tightened her grip on his hand.

"James needs serious help. This," said Sirius, pointing to James, "was not an accident."

Mrs. Potter did not answer. She obviously did not want to believe that her son wanted to die. No mother would want to believe that.

Sirius' determination to stay with James had faded almost entirely once James' mother had entered the room. This woman who had raised Sirius as if he were her own was in pain—James was in pain—and staying there seemed to be only making Sirius' own pain worse.

"I'm going to take a walk," he said.

He was feeling light-headed, and no one could condemn him for wanting some air.

Sirius left the stuffy room and saw that the hallways were mostly empty. He wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone that passed by. They all knew what had happened, and even though he wasn't the one in the hospital bed, he still felt as if everyone was talking about him.

The thought that plagued Sirius' already anxious mind was haunting him. What if it had worked? What if James had died?"

Sirius decided the person he really wanted to talk to was Lily. He found her in the library, just as he expected he would, staring at a blank piece of parchment.

"Lily," he said, sitting down across from her.

Lily looked up slowly from the tabletop. "Sirius," she said quietly.

"I came back from the hospital wing," said Sirius.

"That's good," said Lily. She had been secretly worried about his sleeping.

Sirius fiddled with a loose string on the sleeve of his robes, putting little thought into the words coming out of his mouth.

"How—how is he?" Lily asked.

Sirius shrugged. "He sleeps. It's pretty much the way he's been for weeks," he said, hoping to come off nonchalant.

"Sirius," said Lily slowly.

"What?"

She shook her head. "Never mind."

Lily looked back at her essay, hoping that words would magically come to her. After squinting a bit, she gave up. It wasn't working. She rubbed her temples.

"Everyone's talking about it," she said, realizing that her mind would not get away from the James situation

Sirius leaned his chair back lazily. "Not surprising."

Lily watched him carefully.

"Do you ever think about dying?" she said.

Sirius sat the chair back down normally again. "Not really. Do you?"

"Well, when something like this happens…" She bit her bottom lip lightly. "I just want to know how he feels."

"So do I," said Sirius.

They went back into complete silence. Lily stared while Sirius was deep in thought.

James didn't protest when he was informed that his mother would be taking him home. Dumbledore, Madam Pomfrey, and Mrs. Potter walked calmly to James. Each of them was afraid James would lose control at any moment.

Remus and Peter stood by his bed while Sirius stood further away.

They were very surprised when James said, "Okay."

It was only the third word he had spoken since he had woken up. The first two had been, "Everyone knows?"

Sirius could only assume that James' submission to all of this was caused by the fear of facing the other students every day.

"You will go back to your room and pack, okay?" said Mrs. Potter, trying to smile at James.

James nodded, throwing the covers off himself.

"One of you should help him," said Madam Pomfrey. "He—"

"I can walk!"

"I don't know what kind of after-effects the potion will have on you, so Mr. Lupin, go with him," said Madam Pomfrey.

James glared, but allowed Remus to walk beside him to the door. "I'll try not to break into pieces," said James coldly, "but I can't make any promises."

Sirius paid no attention to the conversation going on around him. Hogwarts without James… For how long? Would he be coming back? Would he get better? Sirius, of course, adored his other best friends, but nothing would be the same without James.

Mrs. Potter put her hand on Sirius' shoulder. She didn't say anything; she seemed to be holding back tears.

"Could I—could I see you for a moment, Mrs. Potter?" said Madam Pomfrey.

Mrs. Potter followed her mutely, staring blankly ahead.

Professor Dumbledore smiled sadly at them. "I suppose it really is time for me to go," he said. "Wish him luck for me."

Sirius nodded quickly, willing him to leave as soon as possible because he wanted to press his ear to the door and listen.

Professor Dumbledore tipped his hat slightly before leaving.

"Come here," said Sirius immediately, pulling Peter to the double doors.

Their voices were quiet and muffled through the doors, but Sirius could still make out the words.

"…and the reason I insist upon his departure is I believe he will try again."

Mrs. Potter didn't say a word, but Sirius was sure he heard a soft sniffle.

"There is something else," said Madame Pomfrey. "I had my suspicions about James' eating habits."

"Eating habits?" said Mrs. Potter, bewildered. "My son eats just fine."

Madame Pomfrey went on as if she heard nothing. "My fears have been confirmed. He has lost weight."

Mrs. Potter gave a dry sort of laugh. "I've lost weight, too, but that doesn't mean—"

"—a severe amount of weight. He's way below the weight of any _healthy _fourteen-year-old."

"He's seventeen."

"That's my point," said Madame Pomfrey.

"Why are you packing my socks?" James whined, covering his face with a pillow.

"Why wouldn't I?" Remus asked, shutting James' sock drawer.

"I'd only need socks if I planned to wear shoes, and I would only wear shoes if my family let me leave the house."

"You won't be taped to a bed, James," said Remus.

"That's what you think," said James. He removed the pillow from his face, making his words much clearer. "Dana will come over day and night to make sure I'm in my room, eating and doing whatever else I have to do to prove I'm not insane."

Remus re-opened the sock drawer. "We're packing everything."

James rolled his eyes. "I'll be back, you know," he said. There was no trace of doubt. "A week—two weeks—and then I'll be back here."

Remus snorted. He turned away from the dresser to look at James guiltily. "It's not that I don't believe you'll get better soon, but two weeks?"

James laughed. It was almost like the real James laugh. "You think I need to be better to come back?"

"I—"

Remus decided he didn't want to ask what James was talking about.

Remus opened the next drawer in James' dresser. "Is this…"

"No!" said James quickly, hopping off the bed o grab the shirt from Remus' hand.

"Yes," said Remus, examining the soft, black sweater. "James, this is Lily's, isn't it?"

"No," said James again.

Remus shook his head. "This is called stalking," he said, pulling the sweater back. "Unless…you were planning on wearing it."

"I'm not in a teasing kind of mood, Remus."

"No, I suppose you're not." Remus agreed. "If I find anything else of Lily's, I'm reporting you."

Remus continued to take out every article of clothing James owned and toss everything into his trunk. James watched from his bed with his arms hugging his knees to his chest.

"Why did you do it, James?" Remus asked, unable to push the burning question away. "What made you think it was a good idea?"

"Sirius seems like he's going to be mad," said James, completely ignoring James. "He probably is, right?"

Remus, taking his anger out on the drawers he was opening and closing, spoke mostly to the dresser.

"Do you have any idea what it's like to watch you to do this to yourself?"

"Here we go again. 'Oh, James. You're ruining my life.' Sing a new song, Moony, "said James.

Remus slammed the last drawer closed He took a deep breath and lowered his voice. "Please tell me what's going on, James."

James shrugged. "You don't need to listen to me complain. It's time to go back."

"James--"

"Carry my trunk," said James. "I'm obviously too weak to carry it on my own."

"Would you stop taking everything as an insult?"

"Would you stop insulting me, then?" James shot back at him.

Remus was already breaking the vow he had made to be patient and understanding. He had forgotten to factor in the fact that James wouldn't go for his patience. He could be extremely uncooperative.

"I'm sorry," said Remus. "You're right."

Remus let James carry the other end of his trunk all the way back to the hospital wing.

Students were passing by just like any other Sunday. They looked curiously at James, but James was determinedly looking down at his trunk. "Are they staring?" he asked.

"No," Remus lied.

James was struggling to keep his hold on the trunk. His hand slipped, and he cursed. "Remus, what the hell did you put in here?"

"Calm down," said Remus. "I already told you I can carry it alone."

"Whatever. I'll meet you."

"James, don't…run."

Remus watched James rush off to the hospital wing. He sighed, picking the trunk back up, and stopping. "What is wrong with me?"

How had he had not thought about using magic?"

When James arrived at the hospital wing, his mother immediately engulfed him in a hug. He wrapped his arms around her somewhat awkwardly.

"Hey," he said, confused by the sudden change in her attitude. Before he left, she refused to get too close to him.

Mrs. Potter kissed his cheek before pulling away from him. She held him at arm's length.

"Mum…"

"Sorry," she said, letting go. "I just love you so much, James. I hope you know that."

James groaned.

"Where's Remus?" asked Mrs. Potter, ignoring James' obvious disdain.

"He's coming," said James. "Where's Sirius?"

"He went for a walk."

Remus came in with the trunk floating beside him. He was carefully holding in his frustration.

"Let's go," said James, pulling on his mother's hand.

Mrs. Potter frowned. "You in a hurry, hun? Don't you want to say good-bye to some people? I have time to wait."

"No," said James. "I just want to go."

Mrs. Potter seemed surprised. "Okay…if you're sure."

James nodded. "Bye, Remus."

"Bye."

The rumors spread like wildfire. James' friends heard some of the craziest stories from their fellow students. Probably thousands had been created within the two days since James had left. There were differences in the beginning and the middle, but the end of every story was always the same: James disappeared. There was no denying that part.

Most students were aware James had been in the hospital wing, and they had drawn their own conclusions.

James had eaten something bad.

James had fallen.

James had been attacked.

The most common, however, was that James had attempted suicide. It may have been the truth, but people had their own versions of said attempt.

The general demeanor of the students seemed to change. Everyone seemed to have been affected greatly by James in some way, and most people were convinced he was dying. Unfortunately, the stories told by girls who missed James only increased the pain being felt by his closest friends.

"She has told this story sixty-four times."

"I know, Sirius."

"I've never heard it," said Peter, joining them on the couch.

"Yes, you have," said Sirius, sighing. "The beginning changes a bit every time, but it's the one where James helped her with some homework."

"Oh, right," said Peter. "She _has _told this one many times."

"Do you want to go outside?" said Remus, already packing and zipping his bag.

The other two nodded, ready to get away from the hysterical girls.

Sitting down by the lake was a much more pleasant spot for them. It was quieter because no one dared to walk so close to the lake without running back in fear of the Giant Squid. No one was interested in telling "James stories" there, and no one harassed them for information. It was like a sanctuary.

Remus read. Peter daydreamed, occasionally turning to look at the other two. Sirius focused on his fingernails.

Peter couldn't handle the silence any longer. "You guys want to do something tonight?"

"Besides read?" Remus murmured.

"Umm…yeah, I meant besides reading." Peter chuckled. "So?"

"No," said Sirius. "I like just sitting here."

Peter stood up, losing his patience. He was tired of the way Sirius and Remus were acting. He would knock some sense into them even if it meant tossing them both into the lake.

"Is this all you two are going to do for the rest of the year?"

"Peter," said Sirius warningly. "Sit down."

Peter complied and didn't say another word. Throwing them into the lake didn't seem like such a good idea anymore.

Remus switched from his back to his front to get more comfortable. "We could do homework if you'd like."

"Never mind," said Peter dejectedly.

"Go away!"

"James—"

"You met with them. You spoke to them. I wouldn't be in this position if it weren't for you!"

Mercedes pounded on James' door mercilessly. "James, I am getting my wand."

"Go ahead! Invading my privacy has become simpler than eating a piece of toast."

"Oh, that's _easy_ for you?" Mercedes shouted, kicking the door. "Then, why the hell haven't you been doing it?!"

"Go AWAY!"

"Mercedes, for heaven's sake, leave your brother alone."

Mercedes turned around to see her mother standing behind her. Her long brown hair was falling out of its messy bun, and she looked weary of them already, even though they had only been home for a few hours.

"Alone? Do you know what kind of stuff he does when he's alone? He's insane, Mum!"

"Oh, now I _really _want to come out!"

"Mercedes," said her mother forebodingly, "we do not use that word in this house."

"Two words, James!" said Mercedes, ignoring her mother completely. "Open up!"

"Another two: GO AWAY!"

"Cedez, just walk away for now," Mrs. Potter whispered, laying a hand on Mercedes' shoulder. "I will talk to him in a few minutes."

"He could be dead by then," said Mercedes, rolling her eyes.

It was clear that Mercedes was trying her hardest to mask her pain with anger and frustration—maybe even a bit of cruel humor—but her mask was slowly peeling off.

"Sweetheart, he'll be okay," she whispered.

Mercedes looked up at the ceiling. "I was going to tell you that I talked to Sirius and the others, but I decided to wait. I wanted to see if he got better…or something."

"It's okay," said Mrs. Potter. "It's not your fault."

"When you wrote me…" Mercedes' eyes filled with tears. She fell into her mother's open arms, sobbing. "I just—I don't know—I don't get why he'd…"

Mercedes, still in her mother's arms, kicked the door again. "You're a bastard. You know that?" she screamed.

James didn't reply, but Mercedes and her mother winced when an object was thrown forcefully at the door.

"Hey!"

Sirius was rudely woken up by a temperamental redhead. She pulled the sheets off of him and looked down at him expectantly.

Sirius rubbed his eyes and glanced at the clock next to him. "Lily, it's three in the morning."

"I know. Get up."

Lily walked away from his bed to wake Remus.

"Lily!" said Sirius, in the loudest whisper he could manage. "What is wrong with you?'

"We're going somewhere…or…since I don't know any good places, _you're _taking me, and I'm pushing you."

It was much too early.

"What?" Sirius asked, confused.

"Just get up," said Lily, keeping her eyes away from him. "Put some pants on or something."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I have pants on."

"Thank goodness," she said, shaking Remus.

"Wh—what?" he asked groggily.

Apparently, Lily couldn't be bothered with manners. She pulled the sheets down and rolled Remus down to the floor.

"Ow!"

"Wake Peter. Meet me in the common room in ten minutes. And, I _will _come back if you disobey."

Sirius groaned, and Remus went back to sleep. What did Lily have in mind?

James hesitantly knocked on his sister's door, wishing he could take it back the moment he had done it.

"Mum, I'm fine. Don't worry."

That was his excuse, his easy way out. He could just walk away, pretend he had been his mother, and it would be done with.

But then he heard her crying again. She must have been crying for hours. James felt something he hadn't felt in, quite possibly, months. It was sympathy or empathy or…remorse. He couldn't put a name to it, but it hurt.

"Cedez," he said softly.

Mercedes ran to the door and threw it open. "Come in, come in."

"Mum went to bed a while ago," said James, shutting the door behind him.

"Well, it is three," said Mercedes, sitting down on her bed. "That's when normal people sleep."

James sat down next to her. She looked away from him, trying to hide her eyes, but James pulled her back around.

"I was trying to do something good," said James.

"Good?" she said incredulously. "You thought killing yourself would be good."

"Look, that's not what I'm talking about."

"What _are_ you talking about?"

"Just…don't cry, okay?" said James, getting up.

"Thanks for the talk," said Mercedes sarcastically.

James didn't turn around. His hand was on the doorknob when he heard his sister's sharp intake of breath.

"James."

"Stop," said James, apparently having caught on.

"James, it was such a long time ago…"

"You have no idea what's going on in my life," said James. "Don't even pretend you do. Okay?"

"I know," said Mercedes, walking over to him. "I know there must be a lot, but you never would have thought about suicide if—"

"I said to stop," James interrupted. "I'm going to bed."

Mercedes put her arms around him to give him a hug, and she was horrified when she realized how thin he really was.

"Good-night," she said, her voice unsteady.

"Morning, boys."

Lily was looking as bright as if she were standing before them at twelve noon instead of four in the morning.

"Morning," they grumbled.

"Hogsmeade—what's open?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Everything…without any customers."

"Perfect," said Lily. "Let's go."

"What are we doing?" asked Remus. He was still half-asleep, being supported by both Peter and Sirius.

"Evidently, we're heading to Hogsmeade," said Sirius.

"With Head Girl," said Peter, sniggering.

Remus mumbled something incoherent in response.

Less than ten minutes later, they found themselves in Hogsmeade. The fresh air had woken Remus up a bit more, and he was suggesting places to stop at first.

"We have to go to The Three Broomsticks first," said Lily. "That's a tradition Sirius and I have."

"All right," said Peter. "We don't want to hear that story again."

Remus laughed.

Lily smiled. Remus was laughing. Peter was joking around. Operation de-depress-the-marauders was working out nicely so far for the two of them, and they were only ten minutes in!

Sirius, however, hadn't said a word since they walked out of the common room.

Lily put her head on his shoulder, forcing him to wrap an arm around her waist to keep her balanced as they walked.

"I know what you're trying to do," said Sirius.

"Pretend it's working. Smile for me," Lily pleaded.

They walked into the pub together, following Remus and Peter at a distance.

"He won't write me back," said Sirius.

"Oh, it's been two days…almost three," said Lily. "Give him time."

"Don't be ridiculous. You know he's not going to write me. He hates me right now," said Sirius.

"Do—do…do—do you want a butterbeer? I mean, you—you don't have to, but—"

"Merlin, Lily!" said Sirius, almost smiling. "I'm never going to live that down."

"Nope," said Lily, giggling. "Never."

"Just do me a favor, Sirius."

"Hmm?"

"Don't let yourself go, too," said Lily. "Even though it may not seem like it, James needs you."

Sirius sighed.

"Promise me."

"Fine," said Sirius. "I don't really know what you mean, but okay."

"Just stay who you are," said Lily. "Feel the things you feel…and no matter how much it _hurts, _don't try to stop loving who you love."

Sirius squeezed Lily's shoulder. "I'll do my best. I'd do better if you'd let me get drunk."

Lily snorted. "You have class in like four hours."

"There's no way in hell I'm going."

"Baby, please come out and eat."

Mrs. Potter desperately spoke to James through his bedroom door.

"Later," said James.

"James—"

"Mum, I will never eat again if you don't back away from my door now!" James shouted.

Mrs. Potter tried not to let James' hostility bother her, telling herself that it was just the disease talking.

"I'll come back a bit later," she said.

"Whatever," he said, spinning a quill around in his hand.

James' wastebasket could not fit another piece of parchment, so this new letter had to be the last. It had to be perfect.

"Dear Lily…"

No. Even that sounded stupid.

"Lily…"

It wasn't enough.

He could always skip the greeting and get right into the content.

No. That was too impersonal.

"My angel…" No, that one would probably have her running for the hills.

James decided he could work out the greeting after he had a good idea of the content.

"I wanted to say that, though I'm not so…"

No. That sounded pathetic.

James groaned, threw the parchment on the ground, and put his head into his hands. He gave up.

Author's Note: I'm really sorry if this chapter didn't come out very well. I was working on VERY (understand what I mean by VERY) limited time. I tried my absolute hardest, though, to make it good and get it up before Mexico. I hope you enjoyed it.


	13. The mirror that dared to mock

Author's Note: Okay, I would just like to say this really quickly. James isn't bulimic. He is anorexic. Anorexia can sometimes be associated with the occasional…well…vomiting session to get rid of something consumed. Bulimia is usually a binge before purging, whereas anorexia…never has a binge. In James' case, he'd prefer to go without any food at all besides a half a carrot and some water per day, but he was forced to switch it up a bit to cover himself. Still, there is no binging involved in anything that James does. Good? Okay, so this chapter took me a very long time to write. I so apologize. I have so many excuses, but I'll just give you the first three. I've been sick, I've had 39423049343 tons of work to do, and this chapter was sooo difficult to get perfect. Therefore, since you know how hard I worked rephrasing and rewriting, maybe it will inspire you to review? Maybe? Anyway, I really hope it was worth the wait. :( It's written in first person, by the way. It just felt right.

Oh, yes. It's a good thing my mother made sure to find a meal for me with enough sugar to make my tongue fall out. I'm so glad she cares enough to do this.

"James," she said gently, "would you like something to drink?"

"Water," I mumbled, picking crumbs off my blueberry muffin. Just holding the crumbs in my hand made me shudder.

Mercedes watched me carefully, making sure I did not throw half the muffin out of the window behind me.

Mum set the glass of water down next to my plate. I didn't thank her. I wasn't exactly thankful for anything she was doing for—or to—me.

"Can I be done?" I asked. I probably sounded childish, but that really did not matter.

Mum didn't answer me, but she stared back into my eyes, showing no emotion. Then, she picked up her newspaper.

"Guess that's a no."

They were watching me so closely, so I nibbled a bit on a few of the little crumbs I'd picked off. If I ever wanted to go back to Hogwarts, I would have to be able to convince them I had made a full recovery. The sooner I could go back to school, the sooner I would be getting apologies from the people who accused me of being anorexic. I'd forgive them, but I would still have to wonder what the hell was wrong with him.

Me? Anorexic? I actually kind of found it amusing. A diet—a much needed diet—is never something to be ashamed of. People just worry too much.

So why was I the one being punished? What about all the other dieting people in the world that were trying to get healthy? No one was punishing _them_. They probably used my diet as an excuse to send me to my mother because she had been complaining about how much she missed me. I will never be able to believe, as long as I live, that my friends had the audacity to claim I was doing something wrong.

The suicide attempt was a different story. I know that might have been a bad decision, but I really did have good intentions, and if I could do it again, I probably would.

But seriously, hadn't I been punished enough already?

"I'm done," I said, pushing my plate away. My poor muffin was simply demolished on my plate. I could still feel the pieces in the back of my throat that I had refused to swallow, and they were quickly melting.

Something that didn't make me happy.

My mother did not look up from her copy of _The Daily Prophet_. "You didn't eat a thing, James."

I felt that she might have been challenging me, perhaps daring me to get out of my seat.

My mother was the only one in the world that I hoped would be someday proud of me.

But she never was. I didn't think she'd ever be.

"Yes," I said, standing. "I'm done."

Mum finally looked up from the paper. "Okay, James," she said gently.

Yeah. She cared about me, my arse.

As I walked out of the dining room, I heard Mercedes shout, "Mum!"

I laughed. If Mercedes was my mother, she would hold me down while shoving the entire muffing down my throat whole, and then she'd sit with me every moment of every day to make sure I didn't throw it up.

I was definitely glad that my mum didn't do that, of course, but still…in the tiniest little piece of my heart, I sort of wished she would.

When I got up to my room, I saw that more letters had arrived—probably exclusively from Sirius. I pushed the letters onto the floor, sighing before I sat down. I didn't feel like reading the letters.

There were two possibilities. The letters could be heartfelt apologies, in which case I wouldn't believe there was any truth in any of the letters. It would hurt to see Sirius writing with such pain and regret. After all, I had grown accustomed to the bright and funny side of Sirius. I didn't want to deal with the strange unhappy side of him. Therefore, reading it would be a bad idea.

The other possibility was that the letters could be falsely cheery and full of jokes. I would find myself tempted to reply to the letters with my own witty comments. These letters would also make me unhappy because it was all so fake. The thread that was holding our friendship—or whatever relationship we had, something less than that now—up was breaking, and I hated the thought of pretending the words that came out actually meant something.

Besides, no one needs a reminder of what he no longer has.

I lay down flat on my back, staring up at the gray ceiling. My head was starting to pound. I closed my eyes, hoping it would just pass. I promised myself that I would not fall asleep; I had a lot more willpower than that. I just needed some time to think.

I was getting so tired of dealing with comments from other people about how badly I was doing. I was not an idiot. Diets help people get healthy!

I decided to check the scale. It had been a while.

When I walked into my bathroom and slammed the door shut, I found myself face to face with the full-length mirror on the back of it. I was immediately reminded of my horrific dream.

I couldn't look away from the disturbing image I saw. Everything was wrong. All wrong. I reluctantly lifted my shirt, and I was not surprised to see—just like always—fat. What the hell did I have to do to get rid of it all?

I turned away from the mirror that obviously liked to mock me. I walked over to my other enemy: the dreaded scale.

I cautiously stepped onto the scale, closing my eyes as I waited for the arrow to stop. I opened one eye slightly, disgusted by the 100. That was what I wanted to reach? There was no way in hell 100 was going to impress a good dieter. To ever think that I could have been satisfied by the weight of 100 pounds clearly made me an amateur.

I don't really know what came over me then, but I was suddenly overpowered by a truly frightening fury. I picked up the scale who, so many times, laughed in my face, and I threw it at the pretentious mirror.

The sound of it shattering was incredible.

I opened the door, avoiding the glass carefully. I knew that there was really no chance mum would ignore the crash, but I still hoped she would. It was getting harder and harder to explain to people why I did the things I did. Or maybe it was just getting harder for them to hear and understand.

I walked over to my bed, and I picked up the letters again. It wouldn't hurt to read them. It was certainly preferable to the idea of going near the scale again.

Mentally preparing myself, I opened the letter slowly, as if it were the answer to a marriage proposal…though it probably wasn't because Lily didn't even remember that time when I had suggested…

_James,_

_Thank you for all the caring messages you sent us. We really appreciate hearing from you._

I rolled my eyes. Sarcasm in writing?

_Things have been just great around here. You'll be happy to hear that Lily and Gavin are still together._

I know that you have been anxiously waiting for these letters of mine. Now, to the serious part of the letter…prepare yourself.

I was already beginning to regret picking the letter up. Was there going to be anything of importance at any point during the letter?

_So, breaking news: this morning, Remus got up to open the window…and it was snowing. _

Amazing. Sirius realized that winter was coming. That was certainly important enough to waste a piece of bloody piece of parchment.

_So, as you can imagine, it was cold. It was quite cold. We almost considered closing the window, but we had opened it already…and we were tired, so you can understand the dilemma. Right?_

Of course. What a terrible predicament. Heaven forbid they move their lazy arses to shut the damn window.

_Then, despite the frigid weather we had going on in our room, we all fell back to sleep. When we woke up, we were, of course, frozen. We were basically stuck to the beds. It was fun, though. You should have been here._

That was the entire story? Wow. I was very glad he decided not to tell me about breakfast.

I quickly reminded myself that I shouldn't think such thoughts because there were still more letters to get through, and an explanation of how, exactly, Peter managed to knock over the salt was not something I wanted to read about. And since there was nothing else to do, I would have no choice.

_You probably would have hated it. You know, you're always getting cold lately._

Ah, here comes the lecture part of the letter. My favorite.

_If only you had some fat on your body…that's all I'm saying._

Of course. That's all you ever say.

_You're my best friend._

Please.

_I don't judge or anything._

Seriously? What planet was he living on?

_I just…look. If you could answer one of my letters, we could do this a lot more pleasantly. I don't want to sit here and talk about how horrible you are. I hate that it's come to that._

Give me a break.

_I know that you hate us right now, but please just answer one letter. Just one little letter. You won't regret it._

How would you know?

_As soon as we can make it happen, we're coming to see you, so we will be able to talk to you eventually. Why not make it easier on yourself?_

I rolled my eyes again.

_Well, I hope everything's going well at home._

_-Sirius_

What a bloody waste of my time.

I tore up the letter, feeling only slightly satisfied by the destruction I caused. I then let out a terribly frustrated scream when my door opened.

Mercedes was standing with her hand still on the doorknob. It seemed as if she were trying to decide whether or not to stay.

"What?" I asked irritably.

She flinched. My sister, the only girl aside from Lily that had never been unafraid to tell me how she felt, was looking nervous. In fact, it was the first time in my life that she actually looked small to me. I felt like I was in charge now. This switch of power struck me as extremely unexpected, and I knew there was a reason for it. I wasn't sure if I wanted to figure it out.

Mercedes had changed since breakfast. Her hair was no longer thrown into a messy bun; she now had it two long braids over her shoulders. She was wearing a red turtleneck, a short black skirt, and tights. My sister never dressed this way willingly. It was too fancy for her taste. In addition to it being fancy, it also was not covered by black robes. Mercedes never went without robes on.

Unless Ciara was in the building.

That must have been it. Ciara would not have Mercedes dressing like a "slob" without a word to say about it.

"You got something to say, Mercedes?"

Mercedes seemed to gain her usual spirit back from my comment. "Why? You too busy laying on the bed to deal with me?"

"Farewell," I said, closing my eyes.

"James," she said. I could, from her shaking voice, that she was trying very hard not to snap. "James, mum wants you downstairs."

By then, I had opened my eyes enough to raise an eyebrow at her. "And I care why?"

"Because she has been nothing but kind for you, though I don't really think you deserve it," she said.

"Why?"

"Why what?" she spat. Apparently, she no longer cared about being pleasant and calm.

"Why do I have to go down there?" I asked. Now, I was actually curious rather than stubborn. What were they planning? Food, perhaps? Merlin knows I didn't digest any of the muffin bits. Most of them ended up on the floor.

"Would you just come down?"

"No."

"You can't do this for mum?"

"No."

Mercedes looked at me for three minutes straight. Then, she shook her head, turned on her heel, muttered, "Asshole," and shut the door.

I knew that wouldn't be the end of it. Sooner or later, mum would come up, followed by Ciara (after I refused to listen to mum), and she would get me up. I don't really know how, but that woman always had some sort of supernatural persuasive power. At least…when it concerned her siblings.

Suddenly, the door was thrown open again. Had Ciara been notified already?

No. It was Mercedes again. Wonderful.

"What?"

"Did I see—" Mercedes rushed over to the bathroom door that I had stupidly left open, exposing the glass that was spilled all over the floor. When had she seen that? She hadn't even been looking in that direction? Had she?

On second thought, I probably wouldn't have noticed. I hadn't exactly been paying attention to her.

"Glass. Yes. That would be glass," I said languidly.

I bit my lip as Mercedes inspected the bathroom. "What is _wrong _with you?"

"Time to go downstairs," I said, jumping off the bed. I would have done anything at that point to avoid answering her question.

My parents, like any other human beings, had made a lot of mistakes in their lives. Some could be easily overlooked, like my mother's decision to change her hair color from dirty blonde to black when I was twelve. Thankfully, she changed it back. Some, however, would stay with us forever.

In my opinion, the two worst mistakes my parents, Emily and Andrew Potter, had ever made were: having nine kids and building a kitchen that was way too small for them all.

When I walked into this small kitchen, I was confronted with a hell of a lot of perfume and arguments. As always, they were too busy with their own conversations to notice me, the guest of honor, for almost ten minutes. When they did see me, they went ballistic.

I could barely understand what they were saying. I heard that my name, however, was used quite a few times.

"…but that's…James…"

"I don't ca…"

"…mum knows…best for…"

"…handle it better than…"

During this battle over who got to speak, I took a moment to silently pray that I would wake up and find out the past seventeen years of my life were a dream. I was actually an only child, right?

"James!" Ciara was the first to address me.

Ciara walked over to me and threw her arms around me in a tight embrace. "How are you?" she whispered. "I'm so…are you okay?"

I rolled my eyes. "We jumped right into that, didn't we?"

"I'm sorry," she said, pulling away.

I wasn't sure of the details or of what they were planning, but I did know that they were having some kind of meeting over what to do with me. They were planning to pass me over to someone else. I was the garbage everyone knew had to be taken out, but no one felt like taking care of it.

I looked around the room, carefully scrutinizing my sisters' faces. Mercedes was determinedly looking at the floor, possibly ashamed. Maybe she had called the meeting. Ciara was shedding tears, as always, unabashed. Jennifer was focusing on her hands. The rest of them seemed pretty unemotional, stirring coffee and eating small breakfasts.

"You said mum wanted me to come down here," I said, realizing that she was not in the room. "Where is she?"

"Shower," said Mercedes quickly. Much too quickly.

"Oh, really?" I said skeptically.

Ciara played with her wedding ring anxiously. "She wanted to lay down."

I raised an eyebrow, challenging her. Ciara wasn't the best at keeping secrets. "There's more to the story."

Gina loudly hushed anyone who tried to explain more to me.

"Not now, James. We have something to talk to you about," she said.

"If you want me to stay in this room, one of you is moving. I want to sit down," I said…kindly.

If only we had enough chairs, my mother wouldn't have to complain about my sisters never visiting.

Now comfortably in a seat, I waited to hear about the plan I would definitely have to refuse.

Ciara crouched down in front of me, taking my hand. Just like Mercedes and her outfit…if anyone else had dared to treat me this way, I would have run back upstairs.

But this was Ciara. And she had special powers.

"James, I think it would be best if we had you stay with me for a little while."

I laughed. I should have expected Ciara, who fancied herself some sort of psychoanalyst, to want to have me under her supervision at all times.

"I am not moving in with you," I said.

I could just imagine it. Ciara would wake me up at nine, set up some elaborate breakfast for me and stare until I finished every last bit. She would spy on me while I went to the bathroom, making sure I was definitely doing only what one was supposed to do in a bathroom. I would also be forced to wear humiliating clothes and go to work with her.

Or stay home with her husband, which would be much worse.

"It's not exactly moving in," she said, squeezing my hand. "It's just a visit."

"You have to be kidding me."

For the first time in years, Ciara half-smirked at me. "Do I ever joke?"

"I hate you."

"Hmm," she said, pretending to think my words over, "…no…I'm okay. You didn't wound me."

"I'm not going," I said. She was so patronizing.

Ciara pulled me up to a standing position by the hand. "Did I mention this is non-negotiable?"

Ciara just_ had _to have special powers. I don't know how it worked, but no matter how hard I tried to deny her the opportunity of getting her way…I still ended up in her house less than two hours later.

When we walked into the house, she was so damn cheery I felt like throwing her down.

"Well, here we are," she said, putting her handbag on the rack by the door.

"Gorgeous. No need for a tour," I said, throwing my bag in the middle of the room. I knew it would piss her off, and though it could have been considered immature, I needed to feel like I was in some kind of control of the way my day was going.

I believe I saw her shudder, but she didn't make me move the bag.

It was sickening, the way there wasn't a misplaced item in sight.

"Does Hitler know I'm here?" I asked, checking for signs of Jeremy as I followed her into the kitchen.

"Who?" she asked, confused.

I leaned against the counter while she poured herself a glass of water. She looked very confused.

"Muggle reference," I said. "I have too many muggle-born friends."

"Oh," she said, putting the glass down. "Were you referring to Jeremy?"

"If that's what you want to call him…"

Ciara ignored my comment. "Yes, he knows you are here. No, he is not home yet."

"Can I go to bed?" I asked. "I know where the guestroom is."

"Yes, you may," she said. "However, you're making lunch with me in about an hour, so be ready."

I nodded without really listening to her words. I was making lunch with her? Why? Did she have some sort of evil plan? Who the hell _makes_ lunch anyway? Don't normal people just put a sandwich together?

I knew Jeremy was home by the sound of the door slamming shut. I wondered if maybe that man just enjoyed showing off his own strength.

Figuring it had been almost an hour, I got up, anticipating a boring session of cooking with my sister and some sort of an argument with her husband.

I walked down the stairs, kicking myself for falling under the demon's spell. I didn't want to be at Ciara's house; that much was obvious. But I wasn't sure where I did want to be. Home was crappy. Mercedes and my mother were like leeches. School was almost worse. Sirius and Remus were on my back all of the time, making Hogwarts seem like my own personal rehabilitation center. Nothing felt like home anymore.

"Well, I kind of have a lot to do, your _majesty."_

I stopped before reaching the last stair.

"Look, you said you would be okay with James' staying here." Ciara pleaded desperately with her jackass of a husband while I just listened.

"Yes, I was fine with that because I didn't think he'd be in the way."

I almost wanted to stay now. Just to make him unhappy.

"How is he in the way?"

"You're making lunch with him!"

"So?"

I sat down on the step, knowing I'd better get comfortable. There was no way I would be walking into that.

"I work all day, and I come home, wanting to spend a little time with my wife, but no. You have to spend time with your suicidal brother."

If only I had the strength to rip a head off…

"First of all," said Ciara, "you have only worked like two hours. Second of all, my brother needs me right now."

"For God's sake, you know that I don't like to be spoken to in that way."

I stood up, ready to run in if necessary. Jeremy had that air—I could even tell from outside of the room—of suppressed anger. I was not going to listen to my sister get physically attacked.

"I'm sorry," she said quickly. "I can't tell him to leave."

"Oh, you can't? Really?"

"No, I can't."

Ciara was one of the strongest people I'd ever met. She had _powers, _for Merlin's sake. But her powers were cancelled out when it came to Jeremy. She relinquished her powers and her strength in his presence, and it hurt to listen to her cry.

"You can't or you won't?"

"Don't even do this to me, Jerr," she said, trying to sound strong. But she failed. It was obvious to both Jeremy and me that she was only pretending.

"Don't you dare tell me what to do."

And the sound of the simple—compared to many other forms of abuse she had been through—slap reverberated through the house.

I truly despised that man. My anger that was directed toward my family completely shut off when the hatred boiled in my veins. Jeremy Canderack. He was nothing more than a disgusting, dead, shriveled toad smashed into the ground by my foot.

And I was going to do it. I was going to rush into that kitchen and beat the hell out of him. How could I just sit there and pretend that their relationship was okay?

I always did this, I reminded myself. No matter what, I didn't do anything about him.

But this time, I would. There was no excuse now because it was right there in front of me. If I managed beat him to death, there was a success. If they sent me home because I of my loss of control, there was another success. If _he_ killed _me, _that truthfully sounded just as good as the other options.

I stood up, feeling determined, and then I turned right around to walk back up the stairs. There was no way I was strong enough for a fight, and there was no way my sister would survive if I died.

Hey. My first non-selfish thought in months. I would certainly have to notify Sirius one day.

Author's Note: Umm…well, I'm very excited. I got my permit yesterday—here in NY, we get it after we turn 16—so I drove for the first time…yesterday…and it was so exciting. I had never been behind the wheel before. Yes. You probably don't really care lol. So…please review!


	14. Patience

Author's Note: Surprised?! It's me! Did you all miss me so much? It's been more than a year. Try not to hate me, readers. I've had a hard time with writing, honestly. On top of that, I've had a lot of other things on my mind, and many things in my life have _changed, _I guess. I pushed myself to get this done. Make sure you read this note right here! This is probably not the greatest chapter in the world. I felt the need to get _something _out. I don't know if it's my best, but I really wanted to get the whole updating chapters thing flowing again. You might want to refresh your memory on the other chapters. Even I did so! And, while doing that, I saw things I didn't like and ended up obsessively fixing things in chapters and reposting. Yeah. I'm picky, which is probably why I'm not such a big fan of this chapter. I hope you like this, though! I really wanted to excite you guys with a new chapter. Hopefully, the excitement lasts throughout the chapter…instead of it deflating because you don't like it. Ugh. It's not very long and eventful. :/. _**It would probably be a very good idea to review this chapter. **_Here you go. :)

Jeremy walked past the staircase without noticing James and slammed the front door.

James waited for a little while before entering the kitchen, not wanting Ciara to know he'd been listening. When he felt enough time had gone by, he walked in.

The first thing his eyes went to was her face, checking for marks. Seeing none, he sat down on a stool in front of the counter.

Ciara did not bother to blink away her tears.

"We've just had a little fight," she said.

"Mhmm," mumbled James. "Where did he go? I heard him leave?"

Ciara rolled her eyes. "To have a drink, most likely."

"Now," she said, putting on a fake smile and leaning her elbows on the other side of the counter. "You must tell me about school. How are your friends? How is Quidditch?"

Her smile angered James.

Shrugging, he said, "I wouldn't know. I don't deal with any of the three any longer."

Ciara blinked, confused. "The three friends?"

"The three things you asked about," he clarified.

Surprisingly, she did not express any shock about James' careless abandonment of his favorite sport. Perhaps, she had been told.

"Your friends care so much about you, James. And," she sighed, walking away from the counter, "school is very important."

"Don't lecture me," said James.

"I will do what I want in my own house, James."

James' anger increased. "Oh, like having us over for Christmas?"

Ciara's eyes flashed with something James could not name. "Jeremy surprised me with other plans," she said. "I already told you that."

"_Jeremy," _said James, "didn't want _your _family in _his _house."

Ciara quickly changed the subject.

"James, you're going to have to work with me. Eating disorders are tough, but I feel confident that we can overcome this together."

James rolled his eyes. "You sound like a self-help book."

"Oh, Merlin," he added, thinking it over. "Have you been reading them?"

Ciara grinned guiltily, coming close to the counter again. "Look, you're not the only one in the world with an eating disorder, James."

James raised his eyes to the ceiling, silently asking _Why?_

"Ciara," said James softly. He reached out and took his sister's hand in his own, looking carefully into her eyes. "I promise you that I'm fine."

Rather than being comforted, Ciara looked appalled. She ripped her hand away from him.

"You lie so well. You lie with _so _much experience. How long have you been lying to us, James?"

James didn't answer. He didn't think he was supposed to.

"James," said Ciara. She was using that voice, the voice that one could hear when reading the words in one of those self-help books. The voice she was using was meant, in this case, to soothe the person into giving up the reasons for their self-destructive habits.

"Do you want to talk about Dad?" she asked gently.

"Oh, sweet Merlin," said James, rubbing his temples. "Why does everything have to come back to Dad?"

"You can't be naïve enough to not see that he could be the ca—"

"And, you can't be naïve enough to believe that he's my only problem!"

James fell quiet after his outburst, fearing he might have said too much. He tried to focus all of his attention on his sister's black high heels.

"Well," said Ciara. James detected surprise and satisfaction in her tone. "I think we've made some progress."

In that moment, James felt so much hatred that he could not speak. He hated her black shoes, her black tights, her black skirt, her tan long-sleeved turtleneck, her pointless silver Cross, her perfectly applied make-up, her long tight braid, and the small silver hoops in her perfect ears.

Finally, he found his voice and looked up. "Go to hell, you and your bloody progress."

"_Your _progress," Ciara corrected, smiling. She ignored the anger in James' words.

"No. It's yours. All yours."

Ciara continued to smile. "To celebrate, I'll let you skip making and eating lunch. I'll just get started on your favorite meal for a big dinner."

James hopped off the stool, freed from kitchen duty. "What progress are we celebrating, exactly?" he asked, drumming his fingers on the granite countertop.

"Your admitting that you have a problem, of course."

James blinked. "Are you," he started, walking around the counter to stand directly in front of her. Even with Ciara's heels, he towered over her significantly. "Are you," he started again, "on drugs?"

"Drugs," she repeated, taking a moment to realize what he meant. "Where on Earth would I get drugs?"

"I did not admit I have a problem. This _family_ has a problem!"

Ciara, who liked to think herself nearly perfect, refused to see any truth in James' words.

"I will forgive you for talking so ridiculously, as you're ill. I still plan to make your favorite tonight!"

"Whatever," said James.

He began to walk toward the staircase. "I'm not eating it!"

"Yes, you are," Ciara sang.

"I am not!" James yelled from the top of the stairs.

"You are!" she yelled back.

"I am not!" James screamed childishly, slamming his door.

"Not! Not! Not! Not! Not!" James shouted, tearing up all of the letters on his bed. "NOT!"

He continued to shout, knowing that she'd probably find a way to get food down his throat.

When James had finished destroying each letter, he pushed all of the pieces to the floor and fell onto his bed theatrically. He covered his face with his hands and shook his head back and forth for a good amount of time.

Though he had no belief in a supreme being anymore, and he despised the thought of having anything in common with Ciara at that very moment, he decided to give one more plea to someone who, if there, might have the ability to help him.

"God," he said desperately, "whoever you are…make them stop." Tears were again coming to his eyes. "Make everyone go away."

Six hours later, James found himself in his own personal torture chamber. He could smell the delicious food all around him. His sister sat beside him, attempting to feed him while he continued to push the spoon away in protest. Many of the spoonfuls landed on the floor. Jeremy sat at the head of the table, glaring. James knew he was smart enough not to lay a hand on Ciara while he was in the room with them. He still believed James was oblivious to the abuse.

Finally having had enough of this show, Jeremy slammed his fist on the table.

"I just can't eat while you're sitting there _feeding _your twenty-year-old brother!"

"He's not twenty," said Ciara, keeping her eyes on James, as if she expected him to try to escape.

She probably did. James might have, too, if he had anywhere to go.

"And, she—"

"Ha!" shouted Ciara triumphantly.

Ciara had managed to shove a spoonful of garlic pasta into James' mouth while he was speaking. James spit the food onto the table.

"James, so help me, we will stay here all night."

"Gladly," said James, covering his mouth.

"I'm not opposed to feeding you in your sleep."

James raised an eyebrow. "I'm pretty sure I'd either choke or wake up."

"Well," she said, caught off guard, "we will stay here all night," she repeated. "Eventually, you'll be so tired that you will eat just to go to bed."

It was as if Ciara were a death-eater, trying to get the victim to talk.

Only, in this case, James couldn't call for help. Nobody was on his side.

The smell of the garlic that once made his mouth water was making his head ache. Losing control, he pushed his bowl of pasta to the floor; Ciara had already finished hers, and Jeremy was trying to ignore James and eat his own.

"Perhaps, this isn't the right way," Ciara said to herself. "Perhaps, I shouldn't be forcing you to eat right now."

James couldn't help letting out a sarcastic, "You think?"

He folded his arms over his chest. It seemed he had won this battle.

"Maybe talking is the way to go."

Jeremy, who had had such a problem with watching James be fed, seemed to have more of a problem with this idea.

"Ciara," he whined. "What am I supposed to do while you're playing therapist?"

Ciara got up from her chair. "Honey, we'll go in the living room. Now, you can eat your dinner in peace."

Ciara scurried out of the room while Jeremy mumbled in an irritated sort of way, pulling James out with her.

James knew she would be in trouble when she and Jeremy were alone together.

Ciara was in a good mood again, eager to try out the new plan. She practically danced to the couch.

"So, James," she said, tell me what's going on."

James had always thought Ciara was a smart girl. Did she really think she was going to get the answers she wanted so quickly?

James groaned internally. Maybe she didn't think that. Maybe she intended to sit there with him for days until he spoke, waking him up every time he dozed off.

James was torn between two plans. In one, he would tell lies. He would tell her that, yes, he did have an eating disorder. He would tell her all of the reasons that caused it. He would tell her they could work on getting him better and getting him back to school.

His other plan sounded much more satisfying, however. The first plan might get everyone off his back, but at what price? Pretending Ciara understood him? Pretending that it was an eating disorder? That it (if it _were_ an eating disorder) was all as simple to get through as she seemed to believe it was? Consuming garlic pasta and bread and butter and muffins and more until he was just as bad as he used to be?

And, as for school—well, he'd given up on it. What interest did he have in going back to a school where he could not trust anyone? No interest at all.

So, he'd be stubborn and annoying. Maybe, just maybe, they'd give up on him and leave him alone.

He was happier all alone than sharing a room with a bunch of fakers.

"Nothing."

Ciara rolled her eyes. Clearly, she did not want James to spoil her excitement. "Come on, now," she said, hitting his hand playfully. "You can tell me anything!"

"My family thinks I have an eating disorder, and I hate it."

"James," said Ciara, not pleased.

"What?" he asked, feigning innocence. "You asked what was going on; is that not what is currently going on in my life?"

"Tell me something I don't already know," she said calmly.

"Hmm…" said James, folding one of his legs under him. "I honestly don't know anything about myself that you don't already know."

"That can't be true, James!" exclaimed Ciara.

James shrugged.

While it was silent, he looked carefully around the living room he'd never paid much attention to before, other than noticing how clean it was. Each member of their family had an individual photo of him or herself framed on Ciara's mantle. James glanced at the one of himself, grimacing slightly.

It had been taken when he was eleven, just before his first year at Hogwarts. He had a broomstick in one arm, standing taller than he. His glasses were lopsided, and he kept losing his balance and laughing.

He looked like a completely different person.

His hair was still a complete mess, sticking out in all different directions, but that was about the only similarity he could pick out. His eyes, covered now by newer, classier, more expensive glasses, were no longer alive and excited. They had darkened considerably over time. There was no excitement left.

He never held a broomstick anymore. That thrill he once got from flying quickly through the air with the cool wind slapping him in the face and the rain soaking him from head to toe… That was gone.

The laughter. James couldn't even remember the last time he laughed. It was hard to believe he'd ever been the carefree James Potter, the marauder James Potter, the _fun _James Potter.

The happy James Potter.

The James Potter his friends liked.

He was a great deal taller. That was about the only positive change between the boy in the picture and the boy on Ciara's couch.

Ciara followed her brother's eyes. She smiled sadly.

"You couldn't have been more eager for school to start," she said, tentative.

James sighed. "I remember," he said softly, not taking his eyes off the picture.

Ciara took advantage of this particular turn of the conversation. "Why were you able to be so happy, then? Knowing what you did? You went through your silent period, and then…"

"Because this isn't about that," said James. He didn't raise his voice or move his eyes.

"What_ is_ it about, James?" asked Ciara, putting her hand on his shoulder.

James pulled his arm away and shut his eyes tightly. "I don't _know!_"

Ciara shook her head. "James, that's ridiculous. How could you not know? And, how come you keep giving me different answers? You're lying to me, aren't you? _Aren't _you?"

James leapt off the couch.

"And, you _wonder _why I tried to kill myself," he muttered, walking away. "I'd rather be at Mum's!"

"You think Mum wants you?" asked Ciara, her patience lost.

James blinked. "I repeat: And you _wonder _why I tried to kill myself."

Ciara let James storm up the stairs, knowing that she was at fault.

Author's Note: MAKE SURE YOU READ THE ONE AT THE TOP. :).


	15. The Old James Potter

**Author's Note: I'm back, and it's crazy, right? I know what you old readers might be thinking. I came back to this like two years ago (has it really been that long?), updated a chapter, and disappeared for two years. But I'm hoping it'll be different now. I'm in the fanfiction world again, and I'm excited to be writing. I also have about a month left before I go back to college. A bunch of free time, people. Free time. If I can keep this story flowing the way I want to, and nothing crazy comes up, you should be getting updates. :). Also, it might be a good idea (old readers) to refresh yourself on previous chapters. There are little mistakes in there that I may go back and fix, but overall… Anyway, it may be a good idea to remember everything you're dealing with and perhaps get your mind back into this. Weeeell, enjoy. And please review. And new readers, welcome.**

"_A mistake, James. A big one. And I'm sorry I put you through this…"_

"_Of course," said James softly, his heart breaking._

If James closed his eyes, he could almost remember what it felt like to be happy, to be the old James. He could remember laughing with Sirius, playing Exploding Snap in the back of the room during class while still, somehow, achieving top marks. He could remember when it was exciting instead of painful to have feelings for Lily Evans, when it was sort of a game he had to try hard to have a chance at winning.

James remembered that he had once been happy. And he so desperately wanted to feel that again.

His friends would not be pleased to know that the letters they sent him only caused him more pain. Though he would act, if he were to ever see them again, as though he had torn them apart before reading a single thing, but he had read every word. Their concern only made him feel worse.

James missed his old life so badly he could hardly function when unexpectedly reminded of it.

On Wednesday night, the fifth night he'd been living at Ciara's house, the family had all gathered at James' mother's home for a family dinner. No doubt it had been to check on James' progress. On this night, James had mistakenly mentioned to Mercedez how much he did miss his old life.

"Then, bring it back!" she had yelled, partly pleased and partly frustrated. "All you have to do is snap your fingers. You've given yourself this life."

James tried to explain to her, without admitting that he had an illness, that it was not that simple.

No one understood how not simple it was.

"_I'm thinking Hogsmeade tonight, yeah?" said James, a huge grin spreading across his face. "I'm overdue on Evans' gift."_

_Sirius rolled his eyes, but smiled all the same. "I'm good on Hogsmeade, but the gift is pointless."_

James would have given anything for that carefree interaction again and perhaps to be able to pinpoint the exact moment it had disappeared.

But James realized that there was not one key moment. It took months for this awful new "him" to drown the old James Potter. And he was gone. And James felt sure he would never come back. Whatever Mercedez said, it was _not _like snapping his fingers. He could not simply bring back his old self. It was as if someone had invaded his body and kicked the old self out without James having a say in the matter at all.

James had stopped fighting his family the way he had before. He still did not give in to all their requests, but he never screamed, shouted, or threw things. He generally did not leave his room, and when he did give into small meals and favors, (which was rare, but frequent enough that he was not constantly bothered) he did so silently and without making any eye contact.

His thoughts were interrupted by a quiet knock.

"Come in," said James, making sure his body was turned completely away from the door.

The door was opened tentatively. "James." It was Jennifer's voice. They must have been holding another meeting about him. "James, there's someone here to see you."

"Mmm," James murmured into his pillow.

"Well, I'll just send him up, then."

James made no noise of protest. Nothing mattered anymore.

After a few minutes alone with his door wide open, James seriously considered trying to sleep before the guest made it to his room, but before he'd had the chance, his visitor had arrived.

"James Potter, I presume?"

James raised an eyebrow at the man standing in his bedroom. He was quite sure he had never met this man in his life and had no idea why he was there to see him.

"Yeah…" said James slowly. He sat up in bed. Only because he was honestly curious.

The stranger in James' room was on the tall side with bright blue eyes, dark brown hair, and a sort of sad smile. His blue eyes stared at James, though they seemed to be trying, instead, to be staring into James' soul.

Uncomfortable with this, James looked away.

"James," said the man, taking a seat next to him on the bed. "I was a friend of your father's."

"Oh," he replied unenthusiastically. This is so far from what he wanted. "And you've come here to comfort me, to try to make me better by saying that you've been sad, too, but you've gotten through it? Well, it won't work. I'm not ill, not sad, and this doesn't have anything to do with my father."

"I'm not here as a friend of your father's," said the man. "I'm here as…well…if you'd let me explain."

James shrugged, as if to say he didn't care if he explained or not. He continued looking at the floor, and because he _was _curious, he listened.

"After your father died, I realized that I—and wizards in general—had to pay a lot more attention to mental and emotional illness because, unlike physical ailments, we have not been able to cure these so easily."

It sounded to James like this conversation did have to do with his father. And he did not want to talk about him.

"So, I went into this field to—to see what I could do to help people, James. And I think…that maybe I could help you."

James rolled his eyes. He looked at the man again. "What's your name?"

"Stephen," said the man, "Stephen White."

"Well, Mr. White—"

"Stephen," he interrupted, smiling.

"_Stephen. _You can't. You can't help me. Wasting your time."

Far from being offended or angry, Stephen smiled. Perhaps he had been told to expect this attitude, or maybe he was used to dealing with it. The smile bothered James, so much so that he had to bite his lip hard to prevent an outburst.

James had sworn to himself he would no longer shout.

"Professor Dumbledore, your family, and I have come to an agreement."

"Oh, you have, have you?"

"You will be going back to school," said Stephen.

James was honestly not sure if he liked the idea of going back to school or not. It seemed that there were positives and negatives in both places. Either way, he was sure he was not going to be happy. But what bothered him most was that he was being shipped around. They had just decided he was not fit to be at school, sent him to his mother, then sent him from his mother to his sister.

Now he was going back to school?

"Under the condition…"

_Great._

"That you and I meet a couple times a week."

"Great," James said, out loud this time. "Please leave my room."

Stephen rose from the bed. Once again, he did not seem offended when James thought he should have been. "Absolutely, I'll leave you be. I will see you at school, James."

"Whatever."

James watched him make his way to the door. When he got there, he turned around to look at James again. "By the way, you should know…don't bother lying to me."

Without another word, the curious friend of his father's/some sort of therapist/annoying **prick** left his room.

Don't bother lying to him? What was _that _supposed to mean?

Later that night, James sat in his room, quietly packing. He had no idea how he was getting back to school, but he did as he was told: packed. He had many concerns about going back to school, but only one specific concern about the actual leaving of his sister's house. He hated to leave Ciara alone with her husband.

James had tried to tell his family about his sister's abuse, but they seemed to be in denial. Mercedez alone believed him and had volunteered to keep an eye out. But Ciara would not leave. She was strong-willed like James and refused to listen to other people about her situation. She thought she was okay.

James thought it rather unfair that they were focusing on him, believing he was ill, and yet they paid no attention to his sister who really was in a dangerous situation.

James felt extremely guilty walking away from this, but he knew that—even if his wand had not been confiscated by his family—cursing him might do no good, killing him would be wrong…

James was stuck on what to do, and as long as he was stuck, Ciara was stuck.

Or dead. And James could not stand losing another family member.

"What to do, what to do…"

James tried to come up with a brilliant plan while he folded clothes and placed them into his trunk. Tossing them in would have been easier and quicker, but he liked his organization and the time to concentrate on such a mindless task.

But it not distract him from his sister's problem.

James decided to leave it up to Mercedez while he stayed at school. She would do her best to make sure Ciara was okay, and as the whole family pointed out, James needed to finish school.

It had seemed rather pointless to take him away only to send him back about a week later.

James groaned suddenly, putting his head in his hands. When going over all the terrible things he would have to deal with back at Hogwarts, he had forgotten one thing, that the whole school knew of his suicide attempt. This…was going to be…hell.

James wondered if his friends knew he was coming back. If they did, they probably hoped it was because he was all better, eating disorder-free… Though James would certainly not admit to having an eating disorder, he was sure they would not be pleased to find him the same way he had been. As soon as he got back to school, he would eat even less than he had been forced to consume at Ciara's.

Perhaps they would be satisfied by his "therapy" or whatever the bloody hell it was.

Yeah, they would see that as a positive change, they would see that he was getting help, they would assume he would be "better" soon, and they would, therefore, not bother him.

Right?

Well, at least for a while, James supposed. When they discovered after weeks or months (however long he was forced to carry on before the man would give up) that there was no change, then the bothering would certainly begin again…

Or perhaps they would simply realize their friend was not coming back and be done with him.

With a sudden headache so severe it nearly incapacitated him, James continued his packing.

The dormitory of the marauders was silent. Nearly. Every so often, a page would turn in Remus' novel or the scratching would be heard on Peter's parchment when he found more to say in his essay. But there was no talking. There had been no talking for days.

It was as though there had been a death, a death that no one would dare to mention.

Though Remus had his eyes in his book, it would have been clear to anyone who paid attention that he was not reading it. His thoughts were on James, of course, but not on his illness, his suicide attempt, or his not being with them. Remus was focused on the day that James had tried to talk to him about what Remus now knew to be…what he had done with Lily.

But Remus had ignored him. He had been too obsessed with his never-ending fight and anger with Sirius. James had given up on trying to talk to him about it and had left the room.

James had decided not to try to tell any one of them ever again.

Remus could not help but wonder if things would have been different if he had only just listened and talked to James, if he had been there for him when he needed him. What if that was the day James had decided to leave them out of things and to take matters into his own hands?

Remus felt so disgustingly guilty.

"Remus?"

Remus started at his name. He carefully put the book down without marking his page. He had not been directly addressed by Sirius in days, perhaps since James had been around.

"Yes?" he asked.

Sirius was looking at him in an odd way. He seemed to look as guilty as Remus felt.

"Remus…" he said slowly, looking him straight in the eyes. "I know how stupid I was. I should have never played that trick on Snape. Not only could I have killed him, but I could have caused serious problems for you and others."

Remus smiled. "Sirius—"

Sirius put his hand up. "Please. Let me finish."

Remus nodded.

"I'm so sorry for what I did. I never…I didn't think it through all the way. I've certainly had time to think since, though. I now know what it's like to nearly lose a friend, both through suicide and through…well…" Sirius paused, closing his eyes. When he opened them, he seemed pained. "Through abandonment, change, hatred. Whatever we'll call it. James is important to me, and I'll do whatever I can not to lose him. And I know that you and I have been on the rocks for a long time now, and I want you to know…your friendship is important to me, too, Remus."

Remus was clearly touched.

"And I'll do anything not to lose you, either."

There were no other words, no verbal response from Remus. He did not say that Sirius was forgiven or that he had never lost him and never would.

But he smiled brightly at Sirius, and his smile said it all.

"Is it over then?" said Peter, who had been eagerly watching the entire exchange.

Remus knew he meant their fight. "Yeah," he said, his eyes still on Sirius. "It's over, Peter."

…

Apparently, a team of four women was needed to take James to Hogwarts. James was such a danger to himself that it was not good enough for simply one sister or his mother to come along. No, James was accompanied by Ciara, Mercedez, Jennifer, and his mother on the Hogwarts Express. It was the most awkward Hogwarts Express ride he had ever taken.

It was also long and torturous. He was annoyed that this group had forced themselves upon him, but when they finally arrived, James found some satisfaction in the fact that they had to take the long journey right back.

A long talk in Dumbledore's office, which James paid little attention to, James was given permission to go to his common room.

What he did pick up from the too-long conversation was that he would carry on with his classes as normal. Being as intelligent and quick as he was, he could catch up easily on his own. He would carry on with his duties as Head Boy if he so chose. Finally, he would meet alone with Stephen White in Dumbledore's office every Sunday starting the following night.

James felt within him a slight—though he might not admit it—excitement to see his friends. He wondered, as he climbed the steps to his dormitory, how long that would last.

When he got to the door to their dormitory, he took a deep breath. Slowly, he opened the door.

His friends were immersed in their own worlds, unaware that the door had been opened. Peter had his notes—was it Charms?—spread across his bed, and he was evidently writing an essay. Remus was reading a book. Sirius was the only one essentially unoccupied. He was laying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"Hello," said James softly.

The reaction was immediate. Sirius' eyes flew to him, Peter looked up at him from his work, Remus dropped his book, losing his page, and also looked at him.

James could not tell if they were happy to see him, but it was clear they had not been told he was returning.

James tried to smile. "Miss me?" he teased.

And though James was not the same James as he had been before on the inside, he was able to show him—slightly—on the outside. Their reaction to it told James that he was going to try to do it more often. They all seemed so happy.

"Of _course _we missed you," said Peter. "Without you, Sirius is barely in the mood to cause any mayhem and without mayhem…" Peter glanced sadly down at his essay.

Sirius' smile showed more happiness than James had seen in a long time. "Good to see you, mate," he said.

James smiled back. "It's good to see you, too."

This felt good, this felt right. This felt almost like before.

Author's Note: There you have it. More to come, and it shouldn't be two years this time. I may be updating _Just Passing Through _next. Maybe expect this next chapter of this in…a week, a week and a half?


	16. Without Your Control

**Author's Note: Second chapter within a week. I reeeally like seeing reviews…**

Peter had decided to fill James in on everything he had missed while away. Apparently, gossip piled up quickly.

"…together. And I mean, everyone's talking about _you_. But there is some good news. Remus and Sirius are all made-up now. No more fighting and, I think, no more internal anger."

This was good news. The first good news James had heard in a long time, let alone in the gossip session. This meant that, not only would James not have to deal with their fight, but Sirius, Remus, and Peter would all have each other if they had to give up James as their friend.

Which was certainly a possibility.

"Where'd they go anyway?" said James.

"Breakfast," said Peter. "They're going to bring us back food. They wanted to let you sleep late, and you know how Remus is on Sundays."

James nodded. "Appreciated," he mumbled.

Peter was sitting excitedly on his bed, eager to answer any question James had and give any piece of information he remembered. James, on the other hand, was laying down, ready for more sleep.

Peter suddenly looked uncomfortable. He looked down at his feet when he asked, "So, you going to tell us what happened with Evans?"

"Nothing to tell," James answered immediately. "I hope they don't bring back a feast."

Peter did not push him further on the Lily Evans topic. "I don't think they'll overwhelm you," he said.

….

"So, Potter's back," said Gavin conversationally. He was having trouble getting Lily to give him sufficient responses.

"Mmm," she said, spacing. "Oh, I know," she said, coming back to life. "Sirius told me."

Gavin nodded slowly. "Right," he muttered.

Lily stared across the common room at the group of girls—fourth years, she believed—discussing James Potter rumors. She could always tell when they were discussing James because they would turn to give her nasty looks here and there, as if she had told him to kill himself.

Though Lily knew she had not done so, she sort of felt, with everything she had done, she might as well have.

And there was one thing that had plagued her. It distracted her from being able to have normal conversations with Gavin the way she used to.

"Gavin?" she said, turning away from the girls. She looked up at the man sitting beside her on the red couch.

"Yes?" He looked pleased that she was starting a conversation herself.

"I have to ask…why…why are you with me?"

Gavin looked confused. "Lily, I—"

"I mean," she interrupted, turning to look at her legs. "Why have you stayed?"

It was clear to Lily that Gavin now understood. Perhaps he had even been expecting her to ask. She had cheated on him—had _sex_ with a boy she did not have feelings for while in a relationship with someone she was supposed to be in love with, and she had kept it from him. He had only found out when someone else revealed it. And he had stayed with her. He did not, so to speak, send her packing.

Gavin put his arm tightly around Lily's shoulder. With his other hand, he lifted her face for her to look at him. "Lily, I love you. I never want to lose you. And I know that cheating—doing something so wrong…that's not you. I know that you're sorry. I know that people make mistakes, and I love you so much. I can't bear to lose you, to ever be with any other girl. I want you forever, and therefore, I'm willing to move on from this awful experience."

Gavin leaned in to kiss her cheek. "I love you so much, angel. You're the most amazing..."

Gavin stopped speaking. He looked at Lily curiously, as she had started to cry. Lily knew he was not used to this side of her. Throughout all of the years they had known each other, he had only seen her cry once or twice, and knowing Lily, it had probably been out of frustration.

She had not even let the tears flow when her secret was revealed. But she was crying now.

"What is it, Lily?" asked Gavin, gently guiding her head to his shoulder. "What's the matter?"

Lily did not know if she had ever felt so awful in her life. Everything was crumbling around her. And she was about to make things even worse.

It was flattering, perhaps, that Gavin was willing to forgive her and move on because of his intense love for her. But it was heart-breaking at the same time. Because she knew she would not do the same for Gavin. She cared for him. He had been good to her. She had told him she loved him whenever he said it to her.

Maybe she had believed that she did love him. Or maybe she just thought it was the right thing to say. But she knew that if Gavin had cheated on her, she would have let him go and move on. She would have been hurt, she supposed, her ego bruised, her trust broken. And without someone to hold her for a while. But she would, unlike Gavin, have been able to bear the thought of being with other men. She would have embraced it if he had cheated.

She may have forgiven him after some time, but she would not have held onto him.

Gavin's feelings for her were so passionate. And though it hurt, she knew it was good, in a sense, that she knew now.

Lily did not truly love Gavin. She had never loved him. She had never felt that supposedly incredible "in love" feeling in her life.

Taking a deep breath, Lily pulled out of Gavin's embrace. "Gavin, I'm—I'm so sorry."

"I know, Lily," said Gavin.

Lily assumed he thought she meant she was sorry for sleeping with James. Which she was. But that was not at all what she meant.

"I'm sorry that we can't do this anymore. I'm sorry I've ruined everything."

Gavin's eyes were wide. "What are you talking about, Lily?"

"We don't feel the same way about each other," she whispered.

Gavin blinked. He watched Lily for a long time. Finally, he stood up. "I don't…I don't know what to say."

And that was all he did say. And he left her to cry.

"Decided to ruin someone else's life, Evans?"

Lily took her head out of her hands. It was one of the girls who had been giving her nasty looks.

Lily did not answer, but put her head back into her hands and cried. The girl was right. She was ruining everything.

….

"They are certainly taking a while," James commented, glancing at their alarm clock. "I mean, I've been awake nearly half an hour, and they left before then."

James was not looking forward to the meal his friends were going to bring him, but he was looking forward to not hearing any more details from Peter about what he had missed.

James had already gotten up and dressed, unable to fall back to sleep with Peter's chattering.

"Do you want to go and join them, then?" asked Peter. "Since you're up anyway. No need for breakfast in bed."

It seemed to James that there were a few benefits of going down to join his friends in the Great Hall. He would perhaps have more choices of foods to choose from, rather than being forced to choose from what would be brought to him. Possibly the unhealthiest things his friends could find. With the atmosphere and distractions the Great Hall could provide them with, his every bite and food choice would maybe not be watched. And he could get the hell out of his conversation with Peter.

"Yeah," said James. "Let's go."

They did not get to the Great Hall, however. James and Peter discovered what had been taking Remus and Sirius so long shortly after getting into the common room.

James froze when he saw her. His Lily, Remus and Sirius on either side of her, while she cried into her hands.

James was torn between standing right where he was, the expression of shock on his face, and rushing to her aid. He chose a path in the middle of the two, walking slowly and silently to where they were.

He stood in front of them. Sirius and Remus both looked up at him. Remus smiled sadly, and Sirius shrugged.

James supposed she had sensed his presence. She looked up at him. He could not tell what emotion was in her eyes when he stared into them. There was obviously pain there, but she looked…

James could not figure out what she looked.

He mustered up enough courage to whisper, "Are you okay?" Which, he realized, was perhaps not the most intelligent question he could have asked at that moment. The girl was clearly upset.

Lily did not snap, though. It looked like she tried to smile. "Yes," she whispered back. "I am okay."

It was as though something took over James' body, and he had no control over his actions. He found himself crouching before the couch, unsure how he had gotten there.

"Whatever it is," he said, "you can always talk to me."

The mysterious controller had apparently taken over his vocal cords as well, as James had no idea why he was saying what he was saying, and it did not seem to him that the words were planned by him before they spilled out.

Lily blinked away tears. She mouthed a thank you and then walked to the staircase to her dormitory.

Sirius and Remus were looking at him with shocked expressions.

"What?"

Sirius came to first. He smiled. "Come on, we brought you food." Grabbing the bag from beside his feet, he led them back in the direction Peter and James had just come from. "We couldn't easily get you, say, eggs. Kinda hard to transport in a brown bag. We just got you some portable items."

James nodded, walking in step with Sirius, feeling Remus' and Peter's eyes on him from behind.

"Why was she crying?" James asked, as Sirius opened the door to their room. "What happened?"

Sirius waited until they were all inside of the room. "I don't know," he said. "She wouldn't talk."

James sat down on his bed. "She doesn't cry," he said. "I've never seen her cry."

Sirius took his place on his bed, as well, facing James. "Don't worry yourself about it, mate." He tossed James the brown bag of food. "You got your meeting tonight, right? What time?"

"Eight," said James, peeking into the bag. "She said nothing?"

"James," said Sirius firmly. "Do _not _worry about Lily. She'll be fine. Focus on yourself."

"Nothing to focus on, with me," said James. He pulled out the smallest item in the bag. A miniature lemon muffin. "I was well enough to come back, right?"

"Yes," said Remus quickly. "And we're grateful for that. Sirius will make sure Lily is all right. Won't you, Sirius?"

"Of course," said Sirius, looking at James. "She'll be fine."

James pulled a piece off of his muffin and popped it in his mouth. Sirius smiled.

….

James sulked in his chair in Professor Dumbledore's office. When Stephen talked, he made a point of ignoring him, looking clearly at the ceiling and forcing himself to think of other things. His intention was rudeness.

But it did not stop him from hearing things

"How old are you, James?"

James raised an eyebrow. The question seemed harmless enough. "Seventeen."

Stephen nodded.

"I don't see why that's important, though," James muttered, rolling his eyes. "Oh, you'll really solve the mystery now. James is seventeen. Really golden information."

Stephen chuckled. James glared at him.

"You're angry," said Stephen.

James had given up on not paying attention. Perhaps flat-out meanness was best, rudeness not good enough.

"Yes, I'm angry. I don't want to be here."

"You misunderstood," said Stephen, smiling slightly. "I meant, in general."

"You think I'm an angry person?" said James, laughing. It was a sort of dark laugh. "On the contrary, I…"

James stopped. Not only was what he was _possibly _about to say _possibly _no longer true, but he was also _possibly _treading into dangerous territory. He could not give this man anything for him to "work with."

Stephen shrugged. "I could, of course, be wrong—misinterpreting. But that's certainly what it seems like."

"Yeah, you could."

"James, it's perfectly okay with me if you want to yell and say mean things, but if your intention is to scare me away, you may as well waste your breath. I'm not going _anywhere." _

James shook his head. "That's what they all say."

James cursed in his head at his stupidity. That would certainly give Stephen something to theorize about.

"So, why'd you try to kill yourself?" Stephen asked bluntly.

"Wanted to die," said James simply.

"Did you?" asked Stephen, raising an eyebrow. "I don't know about that."

"Funny," said James, "but I was under the impression that I was the one who did it, not you. And that I know more about myself than you do. Guess I was wrong."

Stephen was sitting only a few feet away from James in a fold-out chair. James was using the chair that was used when having any sort of meeting with the headmaster. Though Dumbledore had offered his seat behind the desk to Stephen, he had politely refused. Apparently, talking to James with the desk between them would have been too formal.

"I suppose you would," said Stephen, nodding. "So you wanted to die, with no concern for how it would hurt your mother, your sisters, your friends?"

"They'd have been better off," said James. He could not help responding at this point. Stephen was provoking him. "I did it for them."

"Hmm," said Stephen. "That's a…a different reason than you just gave me, no?"

"Yep," said James. "Tricky, _no?"_

Nothing seemed to bother this man. It was ridiculous. James decided to try harder.

"So," he said, crossing his arms. "You were friends with me my dad, right?"

"I was," said Stephen.

"Guess you must have felt real shitty that he didn't care enough about you to keep himself alive, must have felt really unimportant, huh?"

Stephen did not seem bothered. He looked at James expectantly with an almost cheerful expression on his face, waiting for more.

"He never said anything about you," said James. "Obviously, you weren't that important to him. I never _heard_ of you my whole childhood."

"And that wasn't simply because your father didn't speak much to you at all?" Stephen asked.

His expression was still, if not entirely happy, not _unhappy. _What the hell did James have to do to hurt him?

"No," said James. "My father talked to me plenty."

"No, he didn't, James. You know that."

Now James found himself very confused, though he tried not to show it. He cleared his throat. "You're trying to break me down, and it's not going to work. My dad did not neglect me. He was a good man."

Stephen shrugged. "He was. A long time ago."

"He was a good father," said James.

"He was," Stephen said again. "Before you were born."

James' eyes widened. It seemed as though this man was trying to do to James what James had been trying to do to him: hurt him. Was this retaliation?

"You have no idea what you're talking about," said James, glaring at this man who dared to say such things, hatred boiling within him. "No _fucking _idea."

"Enlighten me?" said Stephen, gesturing that James should sit back down.

James had not noticed he was standing.

"Why should I tell you _anything? _Besides, there's nothing to tell. He was a good man, a good father. The fact that he up and decided to kill himself one morning—"

"Up and decided?" said Stephen, an eyebrow raised skeptically. "I think you know it was not that sudden."

This man had to have special powers. James had gone into the meeting, intending to sulk in silence. Then, perhaps use his anger to drive him away, hurt him. Something. But now he was speaking without thinking, without remembering before he spoke the consequences that could come about.

Anything he said could have been used against him. It would be filed away in a report that would make this man come up with some wackjob diagnosis for why he was behaving the way he was.

"James, I think you're in a bit of denial, the way you see your life before your father died, it's…it's not right."

It was James' turn to raise an eyebrow. "Oh, is that so? I'm in denial. Now I'm crazy. Now I believe things that aren't true. Well, thanks for informing me."

"All right," said Stephen. "It seems to me that our two options are you are in denial about the way things were and/or repressing things. The other option is that you know the words coming out of your mouth are bullshit, but you're saying them anyway."

James snorted. "You know what _I _think? You—"

"I'm afraid you'll have to tell me next week," said Stephen, glancing at his watch. "Our time is up."


	17. Pride and Shame

Author's Note: Bit busy. Here I am.

"Each has a reason to believe he or she is responsible."

James rolled his eyes. "Well, maybe they should stop torturing themselves. There's no point."

"I quite agree; there is no point at all."

James was mid-way through his second session with Stephen White, and he had already learned to stop being surprised whenever he acted differently than anyone else James knew would have. For instance, if James insulted him, Stephen would merely laugh, smile, or simply show no change in expression. He was eternally calm.

"So, tell them that!" said James.

Stephen shook his head slowly, smiling in a way that made James want to throw something at his face.

"I am here to help you, James. Not them. You will be the one to help your friends and family."

"Oh?" said James, raising an eyebrow. "I thought I was supposed to be helping myself."

"You are correct. You see, you get better, they get better."

James crossed his arms over his chest, speaking with insolence, "There's nothing to get better here, Sir."

James had spoken such words before, denying that he had any sort of "problem" that needed fixing. He had denied and denied and yet… The way he was now living his life did not seem exactly normal. He was not prepared to admit that he was doing anything wrong. And he did not want to be stopped, but…

James was now unable to get himself a minute alone. He was followed even to the bathroom (with attempted subtlety), which did not make it so easy to get rid of the food he took in. He knew he could have tried to do what he needed to do with company, but he was unwilling to break their…their… He may have seemed improved in their eyes. And he was not sure he wanted to bring that down.

So, James took the only time that he could see fit to rid himself of his food products of the day. It was perhaps not as efficient, doing it once a day, but he worked with what he had. Using his shower time. While he was in the shower, James did what he had to do, trying to be as quiet as possible, the sound of the water helping.

How could he possibly call himself normal when he was vomiting down the drain while he showered every night and hiding it from his friends? It didn't seem common.

James had allowed that he was not normal—not necessarily sick and not necessarily wanting to _change_, but not normal.

He squirmed a little in his chair, never wanting to keep still. He had to work extra hard with his meals and one purging session a day to keep his weight down. He tried to balance things out by moving—walking, running, whatever he could do without suspicion.

"Uncomfortable, James?" Stephen asked.

James studied the man that was so close James could grab his hand if he desired. His hair, James noticed, was slightly darker than it had been the previous week. It was still not as dark as James' jet-black hair. He also was wearing an earring, but James was not sure if Stephen had had this all along, unseen by him.

"Your hair changed," said James.

Stephen seemed impressed, flattered, or surprised. Or maybe some combination of the three. "You noticed that?"

"What hap—"

"Let's not waste our time together talking about me, James," said Stephen. "Now, I asked you a question. Are you uncomfortable?"

"I just don't want to be here," said James.

Stephen sighed. "You're lying, James. I told you not to." He pushed his glasses—James noticed these were also new—further up his nose.

James narrowed his eyes. "Do you know the answer, then? Because if you do, I really don't see the point in asking!"

Stephen smiled, as he did so frequently, before responding. "James. This is about _you. _It's all to help _you."_

"No, it's not to help me. It's to help my family and friends. Or to make them happy, calm them down. And I guess it helps me in the sense that I get to stay here at school. But I've already told you I don't—"

"Have a problem," Stephen finished.

"Are you mocking me?"

"Not at all, James."

"Stop calling me that," said James. "Call me Potter or something. Feels too personal and kind."

Stephen chuckled. "I will continue calling you James. Now, _James, _tell me about Lily."

"I don't want to talk about her," said James, avoiding Stephen's eyes.

"Are you embarrassed that you slept with her? Perhaps because she's a—a mudblood?"

James was at his feet immediately. "_Never," _he shouted, "speak about her that way. _Never _call her such a thing." He was nose to nose with Stephen. "She is the most wonderful woman alive. Beautiful, brilliant, angelic… I would never be embarrassed to—one could consider himself blessed just to spend a single moment with her."

"You love her," said Stephen. It was not a question.

James blinked. He found his way back to his seat. "You tricked me?"

"Gotta do what you gotta do. Even if it means using distasteful language."

"Well," said James, "be happy with what you got. Because you've revealed your tactics. I won't be fooled again."

Stephen did not respond to this. "So, you slept with a woman you love. What's the problem with that? Does she not love you? Doe—"

"First of all, _I _never said I was ashamed. And second, she had a boyfriend. It was cheating."

"Aha. So, you—"

"Don't," said James fiercely. "Don't you _dare _analyze this into something that it's not."

Stephen did not continue with his sentence, but he did not drop the subject. "Did you two speak about it after it happened?"

"Not talking about this," said James, staring past Stephen.

"Did she tell you what it was? Did she say it was a mistake? Did she avoid you entirely?"

"Stop," said James. "Stop, stop, stop."

"James," said Stephen gently. "I just want to talk. Just answer my questions, please. What can it hurt?"

James' eyes were filling with tears that he attempted to keep from falling.

"You cannot block everyone out, James."

Some tears had escaped James' eyes. He did not bother to wipe them away. "Watch me."

"I will get in eventually," said Stephen. "You may not think so, but I will. Wouldn't you rather save some time? Not spend the rest of your year visiting with me?"

"Nothing you need to know, Sir."

Stephen shook his head. "These lies are not fooling me, James. Next week, we will again try to break the seal, yes?"

James shrugged. Knowing this meant time was up, he rushed out of the office without another word.

He had cried. He had started crying in front of Stephen. Nothing would change that. It was ironic that at the time when his defenses were highest, not allowing anyone access to his head, he was also so easily breakable, so easily tricked into confessions.

Breaking down into tears after talking about Lily for what may have been less than a minute.

James calmed himself down before starting his journey to Gryffindor Tower. He would not start crying in front of anyone else.

The walk proved rather arduous; it exhausted him. He was happy for the exercise opportunity, but it was kind of difficult to keep moving. Every few steps, he found himself taking a break, leaning on the nearest wall.

When James finally made it to the Common Room, he was dizzy and shaking.

People watched him as he carefully walked to the dormitory staircase while the room spun before him every once in a while.

_Almost there._

When he pushed the door open to their bedroom, his friends were cheerful for a moment, but the moment was very quick. Almost immediately, it became concern.

"James, what ha—"

"—are you oka—"

"What the hell happened to you?"

James was guided to his bed and didn't bother trying to shake off the hands that were doing it. He was shaking and sweating profusely. He wanted to be safely in bed under his covers, and he didn't object when the blurred Sirius helped him lay down and took his shoes off for him. He rested his head on the pillow; it felt so much better.

"Covers," James mumbled.

"No, don't," said a voice from across the room. James recognized it as Remus'. "He could burn up."

Sirius kneeled beside James' bed. He laid his hand on James' forehead. "I don't know if he has a _fever. _But he seems to be having a cold sweat. What happened, James?"

"Nothing," he said. He felt nearly back to normal. "I was just out of breath. I just…" If James admitted to having trouble walking the distance, he knew his friends would get involved. They would request that his meetings be arranged elsewhere or even help him get to the meetings and back.

"I just got a bit nauseous in Dumbledore's office and wanted to rush back here, so I got…well, it didn't go well."

That seemed like a pretty good story.

"You still feeling nauseous?" Sirius asked gently.

"Nah," said James, giving him a small smile. "I'm feeling much better."

Sirius smiled and ruffled James' hair a bit before going back to his bed. Once there, he asked, "So, you want to tell us about the meeting?

"I mean," said Sirius quickly as James was opening his mouth, "seriously _want _to. If you don't, no problem. It's your business."

"Absolutely no pressure," Remus added.

"I don't," said James.

James did not want to say to them that he felt the man asked stupid questions, which James answered some of the time, that weren't going to help anyone. If he did, they may have been discouraged about James' improvement. Though they did not know, to James' knowledge, about the vomiting, they perhaps still did not see him as the James they once knew.

He was fragile, they believed. And with the state they saw him in when he came back from his meeting, could he really blame them for thinking so?

Saying that he didn't want to talk about it could have made his friends believe that he was getting some deep analysis that was painful to talk about, but would fix him.

"You finish your homework, James?" asked Remus quietly.

"Yep."

"Just checking."

James had once been the leader of their group. Now he was the child who needed to be taken care of and checked up on. Sirius helped him to his bed, took his shoes off, checked for fever, ruffled his hair, asked if he was okay. Remus and Peter watched from the other side of the room, and Remus checked to make sure he had done his homework.

"I suggest you get some sleep, James. I know it's early, but—"

"Good night," said James, not bothering to object.

….

"Sirius, can I ask you something?"

Sirius seemed baffled. "'Course, James," he said. "Always. What's up?"

James and he were walking back to the Common Room alone after a late lunch, as Remus and Peter had left lunch early to go to the library, so that Remus could help Peter with his Transfiguration essay.

"What happened with Lily and Gavin? I know they've broken it off, but… Is it because of what I did?"

James could not read Sirius' expression. He knew that bringing up what had happened between himself and Lily could be opening a can of worms.

Sirius shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know. She says they weren't right for each other…or something?"

James felt a slight jump to his heart. It was a happy feeling…and so different. Lily had slept with him and decided she and Gavin were not right for each other.

"I don't know if had anything to do with what you did," said Sirius, his expression still not telling, "but even if it did, that's not your fault. It was not a one-sided act."

James nodded.

"She won't tell me what happened between you two, by the way. I've asked. She refuses to discuss it. Any way of getting it out of you?"

James checked Sirius' face again. This time, he could see what was there. Kindness, affection, and a bit of teasing.

"No," said James solemnly. "I can't talk about it. It was just some stupid night."

"Wasn't stupid for you," said Sirius, all teasing gone. "I know it wasn't. He placed his hand on James' shoulder. "I'm sure it hurt you, James. You being in love with her, things happening how they did. I could try to help."

James shrugged Sirius' hand off. "No."

If Sirius was hurt, he masked it well. "When you're ready, we'll be there."

"And I don't love her," said James. "Just a crush that was effectively…crushed."

Sirius sighed, but did not answer.

"Vitality," he muttered, before the Fat Lady could ask.

James could feel his eyes on him. "Think I'm going to start patrolling with Evans again."

"If you think that's wise."

James didn't question what this meant.

He looked around the Common Room, seeing many separate groups of students, some on the couch, some sitting in the corner, laughing, some at a table working. His friends had been trying to persuade him to spend some time there and get back into the swing of things.

But people stared and talked.

"James?"

James had remained still, standing near the portrait hole while Sirius had gotten halfway across the room.

"You coming?"

James beckoned for Sirius to come back. Which he did. Quickly.

"Why don't we stay down here?"

"Sure!" said Sirius enthusiastically. He led him to a corner of the room that was unoccupied, practically bouncing the entire way.

James could hear the whispers.

….

"We're all really proud of you, you know."

James looked up from his nearly-finished Transfiguration essay to see Sirius watching him. "Are you?"

Sirius nodded, grinning. "Yeah. I know things are really hard for you, but you seem to be getting better. I can't imagine what you've gone through."

James looked back down at his essay. He didn't deserve praise.

"It's nothing."

"No, it's not nothing," said Sirius. "You deal with all our precautions, our following you, without a complaint."

_Because I've found a way around it._

"It's nothing," James repeated, avoiding his eyes.

They fell into silence, James finishing his essay, Sirius watching. Until the other marauders joined them, Lily by their side.

"Surprised to see you here, mate," said Peter, sitting down with Remus. Lily remained standing, looking uncomfortable.

"Well, thanks for your help, Remus," she said, looking around the room. "I'm going to get going."

"No problem, Lily. You can join us if you want?"

Lily shook her head. "No, I really—I'm expected upstairs."

"I'm doing rounds with you tonight," said James. His eyes were on her, but she was looking at everything but the marauders.

Lily nodded. "Okay, I'll meet you here at ten."

She left without another word.

When she was far enough away, James turned to Remus. "What did you help her with?"

Remus waved his hand dismissively. "She had Transfiguration confusion. No big deal."

James nodded slowly. "I could have helped her…"

"James, we were just there. She was in the library, so she asked me."

"I know," said James. "But she wouldn't have asked me anyway…"

James got back to work, ignoring the looks of pity from his friends he was sure he was receiving.

"So," said Remus. "I'm so glad you're doing this, James. Sitting in the Common Room, doing patrol with Evans tonight."

"Don't say you're proud of me," said James, dropping his quill. "Please, just don't."

James gave up on his essay, knowing that he would no longer be able to concentrate. He looked at Remus, who seemed startled.

"Sure, Prongs," he said. "I was just…" he paused, "pleased."

James decided to hold back his "don't be" and instead said, "Good."

Remus nodded slowly, looking thoughtful. "Yes. It is."

Perhaps it was paranoia, but when James looked into Remus' eyes, he thought he saw, if only for a tiny moment, suspicion.


	18. Guilt

**Warning: Long author's note.**

**Author's Note: I have changed this author's note a few times. I've come back to this chapter on many different days. Right now, I am "writing" this from my dorm room. I'm back at college. As you may have noticed, this took a longer time to get up than most or all of my updates since I've come back. I have some excuses. I'm not **_**sure **_**how often I will be updating now that I'm back at school. It's not just work and classes. There are other things I have here. But don't worry. I'm not planning to abandon. I just may be somewhat slower at updating.**

Response to No one Special: I couldn't really respond to you individually, as you weren't signed in with a penname. That's not…really a good thing. I won't be pushy, but I will say that you should probably do something about that. :/. If it helps any, I can sort of empathize. I haven't been in that particular situation, but I do have a history of self-harm myself. I recommend help. :/. 

…_._

James struggled to keep alert; even walking for the first time with Lily since the night their secret was revealed did not excite him enough to easily remain, so to speak, with it. He was so tired, so bloody tired.

He knew his eyes showed it, even if only he could tell. He had looked at himself in the mirror before leaving. Dark. Purple. Underneath his hazel eyes. He looked like hell.

Years before he may have been able to make it work to his advantage, show off, brag about what he had been doing that prevented him from sleeping. Even if it wasn't the truth.

But not anymore. He didn't mention his exhaustion.

"So, what inspired this treat?"

James looked questioningly at Lily.

"You know…patrolling."

"It's my job," said James.

Lily laughed dryly. "Well, I've been doing it with a different prefect every night. And now you're back. Why?"

James ran a hand through his hair and looked straight ahead. "Because things are back to normal now. Doing my duties as Head Boy is normal."

"If things are back to normal, why aren't you playing Quidditch again?" asked Lily.

"Because that," said James, "is not up to me. Gavin's taken over as captain, McGonagall kicked me off, and they have a new chaser. I can't just take over."

There was something odd about lying to Lily.

"True," she said.

They were silent again for a while, James thoughtful as they walked. In order to convince people that he was the old James Potter again, he would have to _act _like the old James Potter.

But how could he act like the old James without pushing Lily away? She didn't _like _the old James, right?

He didn't want to become someone that Lily didn't like.

He settled for something in between arrogant jerk James and the what everyone knew as the sick jerk James.

"You look lovely tonight, Evans."

James closed his eyes, bracing himself for whatever response he would get, and then quickly opened them. He was too tired to close his eyes while walking.

Lily did not answer for what seemed like the longest three or four minutes in the world. Finally, she spoke. Very softly, just above a whisper.

"Thank you."

James glanced at her and saw she was looking down at her feet.

"Sorry," he mumbled, thinking he had made her uncomfortable.

"Don't be."

The rest of the patrol was completed in silence.

….

"No!"

"Yes!"

James opened his eyes wearily and realized his face was shoved into his pillow.

"It's time to get up, James."

It was then that James, previously half-asleep, understood why he had been yelling. "I don't _want _to get up."

He heard Sirius laugh.

"Nobody _wants _to get up, Prongs. We just do."

"Whatever happened to the good old days, skipping classes…"

"Times change," said Sirius, shaking James. "Get up."

James pulled his head out of the pillow and sat up reluctantly. "You said you were proud. Doesn't that give me a sleep-in ticket?"

"Nope."

"But…I had to stay up doing patrolling."

"Which was your choice."

"But—"

"No, James," said Remus. James could make out only his blurry form walking to the bathroom. "Sirius, don't le—"

"I won't, Remus," said Sirius. He grabbed James' hand and dropped his glasses onto it. "Get up, Jamie."

James glared, his glasses still on his palm. "Never call me that."

Sirius merely laughed. "Common Room in ten minutes. We let you sleep in later than the rest of us, believe it or not."

"How about I just skip br—"

"Ten minutes."

Sirius had become kindly firm, never conceding. James never put up much of a fight anymore.

Which is exactly why he found himself about twenty minutes later walking into the Great Hall with his friends, trying to seem unfazed by the eyes that still followed him these days. He wasn't sure what they all meant. Were any still longing for James, or did they all simply think he was crazy?

Breakfast. James loathed it. The only thing that made it better than dinner was that there were less people around. Less people to stare at him, judge him, mock him, analyze his every move.

But there was still food, his greatest enemy of all. And still enough people to cause him unease.

One would assume that, after all the time that had passed since James' return, that the news of James would have been old news, that people would have moved onto other things. James supposed that they were stuck on this news because he was such a popular figure.

Not to mention how happy everyone thought James to be. Happy happy happy.

Lily was there, as well. She did not stare. She only briefly looked up from her pancakes and smiled slightly when the four marauders sat a little ways down from her.

The smile was probably for Sirius, though.

Not for them all.

Not for James.

James turned away from Lily and focused on his new task. Choosing a breakfast. There was food all around him. Enough to cause a panic attack. Eggs, bacon, pancakes—raspberry, chocolate chip, plain, blueberry, apple cinnamon—sausages, waffles, bagels…

And toast. Could James possibly get away with toast? Everything else was so nauseating.

And butter and jam and cream cheese.

Nauseating.

James looked again at Lily. It looked like she had decided on the chocolate chip pancakes, which she was taking bites of whenever the girl across from her took over speaking. He found himself intrigued. He didn't understand how she remained so thin and beautiful when just one bite of those pancakes, James was sure, would have ruined him.

Well, perhaps one bite was a bit of an exaggeration. But if he were to have two pancakes as Lily was, he knew his body would show it.

It didn't make sense. What was her secret? Unless she was extremely good at hiding it, she was not purging her food. And as far as James could tell, she did not exercise much. Where did she put that food?

For the first time in a while, chocolate chip pancakes looked appetizing. His stomach clenched a little at the thought of what they would do to him and the voice in his head prevented him from taking his own plate of them, but there was unmistakable desire somewhere in him. To be able to eat such a breakfast and not have anything to regret sounded truly…

He continued to watch Lily eat and laugh with her friend. What he wouldn't give to be able to not pay attention to his food the way she seemed to be. What he wouldn't give to remain thin no matter what he ate.

James turned away from Lily and looked instead at the toast. He reached for it and then realized that Remus was watching him carefully.

James raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"

Remus shook his head. "Go ahead."

James kept his eyes locked with Remus while he took his toast and filled his goblet with water. It wasn't the easiest of tasks. Remus had been keeping an interestingly close watch on him.

But why he was being watched now… What was so interesting about his eating a damn piece of toast? Did Remus really think James was going to shove it somewhere while no one was looking?

Though, honestly, he probably would have if he could have gotten away with it.

When James was nearly done with his piece of dry toast, Sirius dropped a pancake on his plate wordlessly. James looked up, raising an eyebrow. Sirius was, however, looking in another direction. Conveniently.

James turned back to look at Remus across from him. "No."

"Half," said Remus."

"No."

"_Half."_

"No."

"It's all right, Remus," said Sirius, finally getting involved.

James watched their exchange, ready for Sirius to come with some sort of defense for James not eating the pancakes.

Remus opened his mouth, probably to object, but Sirius put up a hand. "Don't worry. He and I will stay here until he eats. Right, James?"

James' mouth fell open. That was the defense?

Remus seemed pleased with the plan. James shook his head quickly. "But I thought I had to go to class?"

"You did," said Sirius. "Now you've gotta eat. It's a shame you and I won't make it to class today."

Remus seemed even more pleased now. Sirius was careful not to meet James' eyes. And Peter hid his own from what James assumed was awkwardness. Remus and Sirius seemed to be acting in a disgusting combined force of betrayal. And from what James could tell, they were enjoying it.

They were enjoying the idea of causing James serious unhappiness.

"I'm not staying here," said James stubbornly. He began rising from his chair, but Sirius pushed him back down with one hand on his shoulder. Easily.

"I think you are," said Sirius. For the first time, his eyes met James'. "You cannot overpower me, James. Perhaps if you had some pancakes…"

"Funny," said James. "Well, I'll sit here all day if you want. I won't eat that."

Sirius smiled, and James saw it as an evil smile. "I," he said, pulling a newspaper out of his bag, "have time."

"What's wrong, James?" said Remus, obviously feigning surprise. "I thought you were better…I thought you were back to normal?"

They were taunting him. James could feel himself shaking, ready to throw the messiest food at the table in their faces.

But he resisted. He would not give into such antics. He could not. They were already suspicious of him—for some reason—again. If he went and threw another tantrum, surely any façade he could manage to put up would be lost.

And he didn't need to look stupid, either.

His cover was blown when he didn't eat the pancakes, sure, but something had to have caused suspicion before that. The way Remus had been eyeing him… And now even if he did eat the pancake (Heaven help him), he would have made enough of a fuss that they would _not _believe he was all better. He should have just eaten some of it.

What was a few bites compared to what he would have to deal with now without taking them? He'd be having meals and lectures shoved down his throat on an hourly basis.

"Fine," said James. He ripped a piece of the pancake off with his hands and popped it in his mouth. Sirius seemed surprised. Remus did not.

….

Remus slammed the door. "Tell me _how. _Tell me how you're doing whatever it is!"

James gave him his best innocent look. "Doing what, Moony?"

Remus scoffed. "Doing what," he repeated, rolling his eyes.

Sirius and Peter watched this exchange with curious eyes. It was very unusual for Remus to lose his temper, and the two probably had no idea what he was on about.

"Doing _what?"_

James nodded slowly. He was very good at pretending he had no idea. He was generally very good at pretending absolutely anything.

Remus narrowed his eyes. "You've got your damn sisters crying for joy because they think you're getting better. You got Sirius, up until recently, feeling the same way. You have us walking around like blind idiots again, being played by you. Well, not anymore. How are you doing it?"

James laughed. "Seriously, Remus, what are you talking about?"

"I'm not stupid, James. I know who you are now. I know you wouldn't be eating everything willingly we've been forcing at you if you weren't finding a way to get rid of it all."

"Oh," said James, rolling his eyes. "I see. So, you'll never believe I'm better, will you? If I eat, I'm obviously throwing it up."

James turned towards Sirius, which turned about to be a mistake. He looked worse than he had ever seen him, seriously pained. Looking so confused and hurt and scared all at once, just staring at him with darkened eyes. It made James sick. A guilt washed over him.

"We never leave you alone!" said Remus. "So, how is your master plan working? How are you evading us?"

"I'm not!" said James. His eyes were still on Sirius, his voice came out weak. He was faltering; his guilt was getting to him. The guilt that had driven him in one direction already was threatening to push him in another. He was so confused. How could he be okay knowing that he was causing such turmoil in his best friend?

"I'm…not," he repeated slowly.

His head was spinning. Guilt. The room was _really _spinning. Guilty.

No matter which direction, guilt.

James realized he had essentially started tuning out Remus when he heard him talking again.

"…at dinner, and depending on what day, we—oh, dear Merlin!"

"What?" Sirius responded immediately. "What's wrong?"

Remus did not answer him; he continued to stare at James, looking disgusted. "Seriously? In the shower? Please tell me I'm wrong."

James didn't answer.

Remus shook his head. "It's come to the point where you can't even be trusted to take a shower. James, don't you realize how hard we're working to—"

At that moment, the guilt James had been feeling was pushed away a bit when a new feeling came through, one he couldn't quite place. A mixture of anger, pain, and a sudden need for his friends to understand.

"Hard you're working? Hard?" he interrupted.

His voice began barely above a whisper and became louder and louder as he spoke. He kept his eyes moving from friend to friend.

"You think it's hard for you? First of all, I go out of my way to make sure you see nothing—_nothing. _I work hard. And then when you do see a damn thing, you get to shove a damn pancake in my face. How difficult, how painful it must be for you.

"And I live every damn minute of my life working to better myself, to be something I can actually look at and be happy with, to be someone worthwhile, to finally be good enough that I can _stop _working. To be good _enough _that I can relax, that I can calm down for a second. But I _never get there. _

"You don't know what that's like. You sit and watch, you say 'how sad.' You feel bad, you blame yourself.

"First of all, you've got nothing to blame yourselves for. But let me tell you something, even if you did, that's guilt. That's _not _hard work. Guilt…guilt comes easy."

Everyone was silent throughout James' speech and for a little while after he finished. He wasn't sure if he had made a mistake or not by letting his feelings get the best of him the way he had done.

Finally, Sirius spoke up. To James, he seemed slightly more cheerful, but his eyes were still a bit pained, and he was furrowing his eyebrows.

"Why do you feel guilty, mate? Is that what this all is? Punishment?"

"No," said James. "And I never—"

"What," Remus interrupted, "do you feel guilty about?"

James made a frustrated noise. "I never sa—"

"Tell us," said Sirius. "Tell us. Right. Now."

Author's Note: Maybe you want to review? Maybe? But no pressure… So tired. Posting this and bed soon after.


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